January 23
This contest is now closed. The winner is revealed in the final comment below. Thank you for visiting my blog!
If you have read my recent adventures on EBay, you know that I have an extra Nook Color and I’ve promised to give it away! I have to admit I’ve never used a Nook, but I’ve been impressed with its great reviews. Even more, I really like it’s unique design. There’s just something about that little corner cutout that makes it super appealing!
The Contest
For a chance to win this Nook, all you have to do is add a comment to the bottom of this blog post. Don’t add just any comment, though. Let’s have fun with this! Let’s write a story together. Each person can write one sentence at a time to contribute to the story. The story can be about anything. You can write truth or fiction. It can be exciting, funny, sad, or uplifting. It can be about travel, miles, and points, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be almost anything.
Double Dip, Triple Dip, Quadruple Dip, etc.
You can enter this contest as many times as you like! Each new story sentence you add below counts as another entry into the contest. There is one BIG RULE about this: you may not enter twice in a row! What I mean is that before you can add another sentence to the story, you must wait for another reader to add their sentence. Each of your entries must have at least one contribution from another reader between them.
Valentine’s Day Deadline
I will keep this contest open for new entries until noon EST on Valentine’s Day (Feb 14th 2012). At that point I’ll use my trusty computer to generate a random number from 1 to however many entries exist. The person who wrote the comment that corresponds with the resulting number will be the winner!
Nook Delivery
If you win, I’ll ship the Nook to you anywhere in the continental US. If you need it delivered elsewhere, we’ll figure out the best shipping option and I’ll contribute up to $15 towards it. Or, if any of our travels overlap (Kiva DO anyone?) I’ll hand deliver it to you.
The Rules
- Enter as many times as you like, but no two entries can be consecutive. There must be at least one entry from another person between each of your entries.
- No explicit language is allowed. Keep it rated G.
- Don’t be mean!
- Your sentences can be long or short. Very short sentences are fine. Please avoid long run-sentences.
- Do not try to game the system (by entering the contest with multiple aliases, for example). If I suspect you of anything like this, you will be disqualified. I reserve the right to disqualify anyone at any time, but I really don’t want to!
- Frequent Miler, his wife, and son are not eligible to win, but they are allowed to contribute to the story. If one happens to win, a new random number will be picked until a valid winner is found.
- Have fun!
Nook Side Chat
- To enter the contest, comment below
- To discuss the contest, please visit the Nook Side Chat.
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If you’re new to Frequent Miler, please start here
It was a dark and stormy night.
Suddenly, a shot rang out!
All flights were cancelled.
The airport was on shut down, no one in and no one out.
TSA Special Operative Scott Scanner surveyed the boarding area at gate 10.
And found a dead MD80
And thousands of passengers were left stranded.
Sadly, that wasn’t all they found dead.
This despite the fact that the MD80 could only hold 170 passengers.
A shriek pierced through Terminal C, where, at gate 42, an inconsolable Erin Foster wept over her dead tabby cat, Milo.
More cries were heard as people’s iPads were dying by the dozen.
Suddenly, there was very loud music in one of the charter planes parked and screams of ecstasy!
Then charter started rocking back and fourth.
Stanley’s wife finally shook him awake – he always had these crazy dreams before his upcoming long-haul to Nairobi.
I actually fell out of my seat!
All 170 passengers (or the thousands, media reports could not be substantiated at the time) pressed their faces to the glass to see what all the raucous was about.
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun started shining.
An all black suv came flying down the Tarmac, lights flashing, pulling up short at gate 15.
18 oddly-clad men wearing large red noses poured from the vehicle, 1 at a time.
Jack Bower, was the last man out of the vehicle and climbed into the MD88 luggage / cargo hold an radio’d back that ‘the eagle is in the nest’
Then, shining in the darkness they saw it.
As Scott Scanner overheard Jack Bower’s radio transmission on his walkie talkie, he mistook it for the code phrase used when a grandmother has forgotten a crocheting needle in her purse which, left unconfiscated, could be used to make a Afghan (passengers have an irrational fear of all Afghans).
Scott heard a voice cry out from his left: “Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot!”
Scott then noticed his shoe was untied.
The list ran through Agent Scanner’s mind at a breakneck pace, “Rain, crocheting needle, dead iPads, Red nosed men, his old buddy Jack Bower, and an untied shoe…this can’t be coincidence.
Then Agent Scanner realized he might have to fly economy on the flight…
Agent Scanner thought, “I can’t fly economy! I need the extra room to think.” Quickly he contacted his point collecting buddies for help getting a business class ticket.
Unfortunately, all he had were avios, and he needed a complex routing around the world.
Alas, he decided that paying full price in First Class was the way to go and whipped out his Amex Centurion card.
So with ticket in hand he boarded his flight to…
Right there and then he ran towards a computer to check the status of his latest credit card churn… had he been approved for the Chase Saphire, his business class trip would have been saved…
Bingo! Saphire it is! What was my expertflyer ID after all??? Hun…
Suddently his mind turned back to the preceding events. Darkness then Light, Shots fired, MD80s, tickets, red noses, screams of ecstacy, dead iPads Jack Bauer. He then thought “I gotta cut out the Tequila, too much Tequilla, too much hard living and what was her name from last night?????”
Oh, well, doesn’t really matter, he thought. Time to make his way to the oh so cold city of Zurich….
“Ah, Zurich, I can’t wait to have some Zürcher Eintopf when I get there,” he though.
Zurich, a city with so many secrets and not enough answers. Maybe by the time I leave I’ll get the answers I need. “What the Heck was her name anyway?” but I digress, back again to Zurich perhaps for the last time……
The plane landed in snow-packed Zurich.
But Zurich was nothing like he had seen before. What had happened?!
Neon signs lit up the landscape like 1980′s Las Vegas gone terribly wrong.
And instead of the typical Swiss neutrality position, the government was siding with the Taliban on issues of personal freedom.
Wait, this wasn’t Zurich; it really was Las Vegas!
They had a terrorist alert at the airport. Nobody was allowed to disembark the plane. He was stuck in the old and dingy MD-80 for who knows how long.
He was almost bored out of his mind when he noticed the stewardess winking at him from across the aisle…
Flight attendant!
He departed the airport promptly, though briefly first stopping at the head on the way out.
He corrected himself
Out of the corner of his eye he noticed he was being followed.
He checked his point balances to see which hotel he had enough points to stay at, while he decided what to do next.
Was it a weekend? Was it a weekday? How many nights? He HAD to know in order to get the maximum points…
Damn! No Andaz in Las Vegas…
OH NO! Internet Explorer crashed before the page could load! Cursing his windows phone he searched for a viable option to research his points – There! …
…He pulled up the awardwallet app on his Android phone instead.
Thinking how nice a larger screen (like on a nook) would be, he perused his options.
As he sifted through his plump wallet of points he reminisced about the fantastic trips he took earning them.
How could he forget the first class trip to Tokio and the stay at the Park Hyatt for free since it was his company that was paying for it…
The only thing he regreted was not being able to convince the financial department at the company to aloow him to double dip on his personal credit card and get reimbursed… damn you accountants…
At least they let him sign up for MR on his Corp card.
Finally getting a signal he determined he was staying at …
The AIRPORT! Everything was put on lockdown again! Frantically, he…
Ate an apple.
…that was almost as old as the MD-80 from which he had stolen it. Gagging, he ran for the closest bathroom – the Ladies.
Oh no, it was occupied!
And when he was done, he threw it on the ground to see if his follower would react..
Much to his suprise he opened the door and saw a man smoking a cigar.
Luckily, they were in a special smoking zone at the airport!
It was Tom Bodett (of Motel 6 fame)…. And he had left the light on for him!
Then the other guy suddenly grabbed his own neck and tipped over…dead.
“That would never have happened if he had signed up for free A Club platinum!” Scanner exclaimed.
Commenting on perhaps the most valuable elite perk of all time – not dieing.
What am I to do now? If somebody sees me here they may think I am a suspect!
Never realizing platinum status had so much value he fled the scene.
He stepped over the lifeless body and moved towards the nearest bar.
“A vodka tonic with a lime, please.”
“I’ll make it a double, you look like you could use a drink.”
With one swig the double vodka tonic was taken down.
Bartender: “That will be 100,000 SkyPesos, please.”
Over the loud speaker, an announcement is made. EVERYONE must evacuate the airport and reclear security, as there has been a TSA breach.
“Everyone gets the white glove treatment today” continued the loud speaker.
Turning away, he said “Let me talk to Rene (Delta Points) about the best strategy to pay you today.”
Scanner grabbed the bottle of vodka and chugged, he knew there was work to be done
“And now Steven Tyler of Aerosmith will sing the national anthem over our glorious loud speaker”, blared the loud speaker.
In his haste, he tripped the alarm on the door, and now the sirens were blaring!
He runs out the airport and is the first in line to clear security again. He wonders — should he take the nude o scope or opt for a pat down?
And all of a sudden, none other than the Priceline Negotiator, William Shatner, dashes into the bar.
Make that the ZOMBIE negotiator.
There is a huge burly man doing the pat downs so the choice is easy, he went in the pat down line and waited his turn
As the plane plunged into the inky blackness of night, Mr. Shatner knew he was in trouble.
There was only one way to handle this.
Ahead of Scott in the new security line is Paula Deen.
He struck up a conversation with Shatner, asking him about his latest travel escapades.
So, using his smartphone he . . .
figured out a way to pull up all his itineraries in the last 20 years and then proceeded to describe in detail every trip.
Then I hear someone say, “He’s dead, Jim.”
Played words with friends
Launched his biscuits and gravy locator app, and every indication showed that Paula Deen was indeed in close proximity, and carrying a half gallon of sausage gravy and 4 dozen biscuits into the security checkpoint.
Using his smartphone GPS program, he tried to figure out if he was in Zurich or Las Vegas, because his location has become unclear to him.
I’m in new York! Said Will
But of course, I should have known that considering I paid $20 for an iced tea along with the 100,000 SkyPesos for my gin and tonic.
Suddenly all was clear and the preceeding events no longer incomprehensible. This was just another day at JFK t3.
Way to go, I’ll be able to take advantage of those NYC Amex promo’s after all!
“Wait a minute” he thought. “I thought ‘The Negotiator’ was seen plunging to his death earlier on TV. How can Shattner be here?”
Including the pliot that was entering T3 that had a bumper sticker on his rollerboard that read “Pilots for Bob Dole for President 2012.”
He headed to the sky club for a nice Scotch – Lagavulin – appreciative that at least delta knew who would pay for premium liquor.
He knew at the Skyclub he wouldn’t have to fork over 100,000 SkyPesos for Lagavulin. No, it was 100,000 SkyPesos for Boones Farm malt liquor.
Fully inebraited off of three bottles of Boones Farm he did what any sensible New Yorker would do, hailed a cab to Harlem.
Once there he realized he wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
He elected to pay the 16 US dollars for the scotch instead, saving the pesos for that elusive multicontinent itinerary with a stopover and open jaw on partner airlines.
After arriving in Harlem, he realized that he left his wallet in the SkyClub @ JFK. Thankfully, he smuggled out 3 extra bottles of Boones Farm and told the cabbie “These three bottles of Boones Farm are yours if you’ll drive me to LaGaurdia.”
He knew there was plenty more boones at the US airways club.
As the reached LaGuardia, he paid the cab driver his Boone’s, and realized the cabbie was Rick from Frugal Travel Guy!
His only fear was that his wallet was in the JFK SkyClub. How would he be able to get into The US Airways Club? Thankfully he had the cell phone number of “The Negotiator”. Surely if he could get “The Negotiator” over to LGA from JFK that Mr.Shatner would vouch for his identity.
No such luck.
“If he’s still with Priceline, you won’t get any points!’ FTG exclaimed.
He misdials the number and a woman, Bonnie answered the phone.
Thankfully he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express 2 nights ago.
UN’s plan to dominate frequent flyer discussion via cab driving was becoming clear.
She wasn’t sure why she felt this way. A thousand, parallel, random thoughts coursing at once through her mind. Coupled with that slightly-shipboard feeling of wooziness, the day was only going to get more difficult.
He then realized he had Boones Farm 2 Nights ago with Bonnie at the Holiday Inn Express.
DID HE FORGET THE FACT THAT HE WAS IN ZURICH 30 POSTS AGO?
In his intoxicated state, he realized that he had broken the space-time continuium and had traveled to a parallel universe.
“Drat, even Richard Branson won’t give me miles for traveling the space/time parallel universe!” he thought.
Nevertheless, he knew that travel was worth more than the points. Uh… who was he kidding?
“The real mystery” he thought “Was what exactly was a point anyways, and how did they make them?”
Feeling warm from his alcohol consumption, he ripped off all of his clothes and screamed …
Wow, I need to put more deodorant on!
The people around him concurred.
and passed out.
Of course, he had no deodorant with him (since it is a liquid that would be snatched up by the TSA). So instead of deodorant, he used …
But he had his precious Nook in his hand firmly even while passing out.
some nearby flowers to rub over his pits, roses to be exact. The thorns hadn’t been removed.
And died, as they weren’t platinum.
Anyway…standing back up after recovering from the pain of the thorns, he exclaimed:
DYKWIA???????????
Those around him were puzzled.
everybody shook their heads, except for one person.
It was the man in the Diamond Hat.
Hyatt gave it to him a present, for those ‘beyond’ diamond membership….
But even Diamond Hat man didn’t know what to make of the thorn wounds.
But luckily Dr. Hilton did
He looked closely at Diamond Hat man, and recognized his from the One World Mega DO lineup…. It was Gary from ‘View from the Wing’!
Then he wondered where Bill Marriott was..
Until he realized that Bill Marriott was the dead man at the Zurich airport bathroom.
Gary walked up and said “Excuse me sir, I believe I have your wallet… You left it behind when you were in the lounge earlier.”
Unfortunately, the wallet was missing ALL of its cash. In its place was …
a free ticket to the One World Mega DO, and a voucher for 3 more bottles on Boone’s on the flight!
It was a happy day.
And a gold awardwalley onecard.
‘Someone meant for me to go on this flying trip with all of these wild and crazy bloggers’, he thought.
A glowing, levitating randy Peterson appeared.
“All hail Randy Peterson!” the entire terminal yelled.
He seemed to be in hurry and was running to…
‘Scott’ said Randy ‘I heard you are searching for truth, justice and American miles…. And we have exactly the right trip for you to join in on!’.
Scott thought, “well that’s great. I just landed, someone tried to kill me, and rose thorn wounds all over and now this stranger is telling me “we have exactly the right trip for you to join in on”? Weird.
Scott decides to join the group despite his concerns. Since he has no money, he is hoping someone in the group will help him figure how to travel without using cash.
Randy said, ‘First, we need to get you back to a club with a shower so you can get rid of that malodorous scent you knock over those people with…. And some clothes, please!’.
He goes to the Admirals Club and takes a long shower. He likes the smell of the shampoo and shower gel. He comes out and his travel companions are gone. He has no idea what airline he is traveling on. He has no idea what gate the plane is leaving from. He is a resourceful fellow, so he …
Oh fudge…he just realized he left his umbrella at the airport bar. It’s an important umbrella.
He turns around and leaves to go back to get the umbrella instead of leaving with the strangers.
swipes someone’s tablet computer and sees that the events begin tonight a place called the Puglia Restorante.
back at the airport bar, he grabs his umbrella, checks the handle to make sure it’s still loaded, and runs out of the airport.
‘I think one of these bloggers tried to kill me, and is now playing cat and mouse,’ thought Scott ‘but now I have their plans and can watch them on thks trip!’.
http://megado.com/blogs/?p=571
Scott is obviously deluded with drink, since all travel bloggers are friendly folk who wouldn’t kill anyone (unless, of course, the murder victim stole the blogger’s upgrade).
While in front of the airport pondering this puzzle, The Points Guy pops out of a cab and says ‘Is that a OWDO pass in your hand – we are getting ready to fly out now to London!’
Suddenly, he heard the cry from behind him…”El Paso or bust!”
then he saw her.
It was Sarah Michelle Gellar!
Scott always wanted to be MISTER Sarah Michelle Gellar, so he turned on the charm. The first thing he did was …
And she was about to get the last upgrade on my flight!
Dressed in black from head to toe, she winked wickedly as she bypassed the line and strolled past all the men in business suits.
Scott can’t let SMG get the last upgrade because he would lose face in front of his new friends. So, he trips her as she walks smilingly by. She falls and breaks a tooth. She won’t be making the flight after all.
Now which gate is that DO plane for London leaving from?
And he certainly won’t be Mister Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Unless she’s into that.
Luckily, Angel shows up and Sarah Michelle Gellar remembers her love for him and they walk off into the night. Finally together.
A bit dissapointed, Scott turned his attention back to the long line waiting..
Shivering in his seat, the flight attendant quickly and gently taps on his shoulder to awaken him from his dream.
and seen something he through he would never see.
And he realized upgrades enable you to have sweet dreams.
and so do the free drinks!
and shorter bathroom lines.
After waking up and the flight attendant hands him his coat, where he realizes that $80 is missing from it.
He sinks back into his seat, the FA gives him a diet coke and lime to refresh him.He takes a deep swig and smiles as he remembers the many gc’s in his wallet…thank goodness for bigcrumbs.
He frets over the loss, but disembarks anyway. As he passed the electronics store in the terminal, he noticed that the guy that sat in front of him was peeling off 4 crisp $20 bills to buy something.
“How suspicious,” he thought to himself, “Why would
Lucky coins pay with bills? He dumped his diet coke with lime and prepared for an epic battle…to the pain!
Someone pay with cash. What a waste of credit card points
that guy have four crisp $20 bills?
And an epic battle it was!
A swift fist to the jaw and presidential gold coins came flying out of his mouth
Boy this jab felt good… now I know how Chuck Norris feels!
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his switchblade that he was able to easily get past the TSA.
Unfortunately his adversaryvhad smuggled through something much, much more dangerous – a cupcake.
And not just a normal cupcake…one with a filling!
But thefilling was made of concrete
Thankfully the frosting was just frosting.
And it was delicious, and made with real cream cheese.
Suddenly realizing he needed two weeks worth of content…
However, I am deathly allergic to cream cheese.
dude, love the blog and money saving ideas.
for a moment Scott forgot about the cupcake when he noticed a sign in the store offering a 5% discount after signing up for their loyalty program
He started thinking ahead to a special date…February 14, but not because it’s Valentine’s Day (lame). However that special day is 3 freaking WEEKS away.
If only he could get out of this airport and figure out where he REALLY was
Then he could book that attractive 21 day advance purchase fare and requalify for double platinum diamond kryptonium.
anxiety set in and he had to get out of that store. He swiped frosting off the cupcake and onto the man’s face rendering him helpless
But wait…I see someone, oh my gosh, is that who I think it is?? It’s …..
Richard Branson?
Things were about to get weird.
Real weird.
the Million Mile Secrets guy having lunch with that Mommy Points gal!!!
time seemed to stop as Branson wizzed past on his heelies
He was wearing shorts, t-shirt, and sandals and rambling about a fire on Necker Island…and how he needed help proving it was arson.
But wait, what is that he has in his hands? It’s none other than a
beer
taking a swig, he lost his balance and fell backwards on the floor, rendering him unconscious
His heelie wheels continued to spin as he laid there.
But was he really unconscious, or was it just an act?
in the background an employee was yelling at the man from the plane who was knocking store displays over as he frantically tried to remove cupcake frosting from his face when Scott suddenly remembered…
very small
Hobbits
That had told him about
the proper way to wear a dish-dash.
the proper way to wear a poncho.
As he passed by many gates, he saw a huge infestation of gate lice.
and the proper way to roll your clothes for travel.
and proceeded to become a louse himself while thinking about what Branson had said.
And Branson said “forget about all that nonsense… here… a ticket to Necker Island. Go have some fun in the sun kiddo”
The flight to Miami was uneventful and he could not wait for the private jet travel
Thanking Branson, he made his way to the next gate for departure.
lice everywhere!
He Got to the gate and saw his long lost
friend. A supermodel from Victoria Secret! Mile High Club, here we go!!!!!!
unfortunately she turned left upon entering the plane and he was shooed to seat 21C
They boarded the plane.
wife, who he left in the middle seat in the last row of economy on the previous connecting flight.
She was furious at him. But excited she got to meet Richard Branson’s body in the terminal’s electronics store
There were 3 children who entered the plane.
They were really young, and no mommy points-diva to be found!
Thankfully there was plenty of room left in the overhead
The bins were empty, except for Seth.
Somehow he managed to squeeze himself in to the bins!
Of course! He was told by Richard Branson that this was Virgin’s plan to become a cheaper airline than RyanAir.
After takeoff,
they made a toast- Cheers to Virgin’s new plan.
But the airline is trying to save money in any ways possible that the glass broke while cheering.
The flight attendant swept up the glass and got eneveryone ready for takeoff.
…and left Scott looking like he had wet himself so he said, “..
“Can I get a blanket? Or maybe a…”
“Makers on the rocks?”
“There you go, friend. Looks like you’ve had a long day so far.”
After finishing the drink he quickly asked for a second as he was feeling much better.
while in the cargohold a couple of stowaways wonder,
Whats taking so long for take off?
Why pay for flights – this is nicer than economy!
Sitting there nursing his second Makers…
he comes up with a brilliant idea.
He started tapping on his lap. Then noticed a hot sexy young girl sitting next to him.
Terrible thoughts stared to run through this mind and he noticed the girl was morphing into a purple elephant. Someone had spiked his Makers with LSD!
Then he woke up in Iceland, wearing nothing but his boxers.
Not just any boxers, his polka dot and heart boxers.
And in his hands he was holding a baby koala bear.
Oh great, he thought. Now i lost my passport!
Good thing I keep a few extras hidden away.
Jack Bower showed up to return the
Oh well, he thinks, I’ll just make the best of it; I’ve always wanted an extended stay in Iceland anyway.
But this koala was no ordinary koala; it was a carnivorous koala. Not knowing this, Jack Bauer let the baby koala loose on Iceland, and it caused havoc on the native animal species on Iceland. The Icelandic government was furious and deported him to..
Uranus
I waited for her to come out from the tarmac; I waited for 3 hours, and she did not come out.
Then he thought of those poor folks in the cargo hold. Thinking they should really be flying first class, he introduced them to Flyertalk.
He went to Flyertalk and signed up for Chase Sapphire card and started the points and miles game!
And since he got the card, again, he was able to really enjoy Iceland
then his cell rang, it was. Chase’s fraud dept. “Blast!”, He thought. He rushed through the call before realizing..
That he forgot to tell them he had lost his wallet and thus numerous Chase credit cards
The fraud department told him his wallet had been found in the pocket of a dead man at JFK!
His throat had been ripped open with a sharpened sapphire preferred.
And through all the blood the name on the card was clearly…
On the back!
As well as on the front!
He knew immediately his TSA training would be invaluable here
Then realized he was dreaming. He was still drunk on the plane
“I had the most vivid dream” he said aloud
There were bloodthirsty clowns all around, churning multiple chase personal cards simultaneously!
“No need to worry about the clowns”, he realized. They were all busy talking to the Chase re-consideration reps.
Thanks for your website, it’s fun to read other opinions on topics like this that interest.
……and suddenly …
Was the random thought he had.
Somebody said this “This is a fun idea”
Let’s make a credit card out of granite!
“Boy, that was a dumb idea I just had,” he thought.
“A really dumb idea, what shall I think of next?”, he thought.
A credit card made of marble…oh wait, that’s dumb too.
Maybe like Hilton I can find a way to promise less while suggesting more “may” be possible?
While deep in thought he was interrupted by..
A old farting sound coming from behind him. Followed by the worst smell ever!
A slender older guy was standing behind him.
The old man’s hand came forth….he’s just been cheese cupped.
Then from the corner of the room.
A herd of llamas burst forth.
They also smelled bad.
They began to spit.
and then they all surrounded him…
Meanwhile a rival herd of llamas from another region in the Andes was gearing up for a full-on assault.
This could only end one way..and I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.
So, as he heard the llama-in-charge from the original band shouting, “You can take our lives, but you can never take our freedom!” he fired his grappling gun straight up onto the overhead crane support.
Working quickly, he constructed a rack to give the llamas the full William Wallace treatment.
Meanwhile, back in the terminal near gate 10..
He was thankful when he realized he was still dreaming and had only woken up from his past dream in his dream.
Oh man, someone just hit one of the llamas with their car.
The constant insanity of all his dreaming made him decide to seek some help.
But where was he to find help? Suddenly he thought to himself, “Back to the Maker’s Mark! That’s always made the pain and confusion go away in the past!”
So back to the bar he went, and with horror he realized it will still nearly TWO WEEKS until his big date.
but all of a sudden, he forgot what was happening in two weeks
Then he remembered…
He frantically searched his calendar to no avail and realized he’d have to think of someway to remember.
The Skyclub was nearly deserted…he killed some time by reading 6-7 blogs every morning
He kept thinking and thinking and thinking, trying to jog his memory somehow.
Angry he couldn’t remember anything, and quite drunk off Maker’s at this point, he gave up caring and went to hit on the nearest beautiful woman
Which turned out to be a manwhore asking for $1,000 a night.
which he then counter offered with 100,000 sky pesos and six drink tickets.
But when the ‘man’ took off his wig, Agent Scanner nearly fell over..
The man laughed in his face saying, everyone knows sky pesos are wothless.
Then out of nowhere a couple of dwarves just popped out of the ground, both fully grown and bearded!! Explain that!
Underneath the wig was none other than
Warren Buffet!
“Warrent Buffet,” he exclaimed. “What in the world were you doing under that disguise?”
“Hiding from taxation!” He exclaimed in hushed excitement. “I have what you’ve been looking for,” he stated, as he extended his arm and gave him…
A groveling alpaca. How does an alpaca grovel you may ask…
he didn’t really care how the alpaca grovel, and continued to dig into the stomach to find a USB stick with the classified information it contained.
Finally he stumbled upon this story about him and remembered…
…and remembered he had been forgetting to take his anti-psychotic prescriptions!
He quickly used his Chase Sapphire and/or Ink Bold card to buy Sears gift cards at the UR mall and then went to the K-Mart pharmacy to get a refill!
He never got there, however, because he was waylaid by a Frequent Miler operative who promised him infinite miles for all of eternity, if only he would agree to
sell his soul
He did not accept the offer, as,given the waining popularity of religion, the current market for souls was as week as Sky Pesos.
So instead he decided to just sit and have a break in the lounge. And think. Think about where he was really going with all of this.
Since he still couldn’t figure it out, even after all that thinking, he
Called the psychic network hotline
couldn’t complete a full sentence?
“You have a bright future as a Priceline Spokesman, however using the Corbomite Maneuver aboard the Kobayashi Maru was a bit over-the-top”
We recommend that you take a vacation in a warm place where you can recuperate while you continue to evade the Vogon operatives on your tail.
So i asked “how much would i get paid?”
That depends on how many gift cards you have in your pocket that we know you stole from Frequent Miler on your last trip to
the moon
And can you imagine how many miles I got for that trip?
It’s really too bad that miles accumulated while dreaming of flying to the moon are not transferable to any Earth based program, so all I was left with were
Certainly not enough, I can never have enough miles!
But what’s the point of these miles?
Scott pulled out his cell to check on his Amex Platinum prescription benefits
While bending over to pull out his wallet, he thought, “Did I just give myself a hernia?”
then all of a sudden, a sultry woman in a ninja suit slides down from a rope on the roof and kicks him in the groin
I wish I had seen her. Dang ninjas.
By this point, our hero was really in need of a painkiller. So, he reached into his pocket and
found nothing
Pulled out an aspirin. “finally!” he thought something simple that went according to plan.
Of course, little did he know that around the corner there lurked
..the sultry ninja! who kicked our hero in the groin AGAIN!! She then took off her mask and revealed herself to be..
Older than the hills
Our hero gasped in horror at the discovery. He pulled out a sawed off shotgun from his bag and pointed it at the ninja..
Only to find the shotgun full of confetti when he pulled the trigger.
but the confetti was not confetti after all, but..
Track it Back stickers.
Suddenly, a ray of light shone upon the marbled flooring. A mighty fist cracked the surface of the ground, and out came Chuck Norris..
But the ray of light was actually
the heiress to the Walmart fortunre…Alice Walton
And Alice was checking my receipt from Sam’s Club to make sure that I was not shoplifting some rare art work or 85 pounds of pork rinds as I left the door of Sam’s Club #6895
..when Barack Obama walked in and threatened her with a tax raise if she didn’t let me get away with stealing the pork rinds.
But Newt said that such a tax rise would be dead on arrival.
Although he took back what he said when he was offered a job as a “consultant” by Freddie Mac if he kept quiet.
Then Mitt Romney came in and said “Taxes are too high for millionaires like Newt, Perry, Palin and myself. Let’s cut some more captial gain taxes and jack up the income taxes”
Meanwhile on the grassy knoll some several hundred meters away, Joe W. Lester set down his case.
I told them, “I’ve never been rich enough to be a Republican.”
Or lazy enough and like a leach to be a Democrat…
“Which is why I’m buddhist!”
Lester sat down to meditate, while at the same time, dialed in his scope. His target….
amidst the politics, Agent Scanner again realized his mission wouldn’t end for nearly 3 WEEKS so he
Did some jumping jacks to stay in shape for this long mission.
realized he would have to vote at his early voting location.
Just as he finished, Jumping Jack Flash announced in a very loud, sonorous voice:
He was hoping the mission included some elite travel and lie flat beds (he loved those pajamas with the feet in them that he got on Singapore Airlines.) Suddenly he
Felt lightheaded.
OMG, I haven’t eaten since this story began. It’s time for
A filling meal! He walked over to the nearest restaurant which was..
one for which he had a gift card. Eureka!
closed for renovation…
He moved on to the next, which was a brand new..
Thank goodness the one next to it was opened
Scott sat down at the bar at Fleming’s ordered a $3 Kettle Martini, it was happy hour after all, and looked over the menu.
..and found that the drink had a hidden fee for a “delivery” surcharge worth $50.
along with taxes of $18.79, mandatory tip of 147%!
But with refills for only .75
In arger at these fees he picked up the phone and berated customer service.
Unfortunately his automatic dialer had mistakenly connected him with Zambia airlines, who then mistakenly booked him on a flight to Timbuktu that left in 25 minutes.
He smashed his phone in disgust and ordered up six shots of Patron and a filet with lobster.
but which card was enrolled in their dining program!?!? He couldn’t remember!
It didn’t matter at this point, the plan was to chew and screw.
The meal came out and on the plate was
yummy food.
He went to order a refill on his shots but then remembered about the makers he had earlier.
So he orderd one of each.
and immediately proceeded with IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER!!!
Due to his beligerent behavior he was escorted out of the restaurant.
“Damn,” he said to himself. “I never got a chance to eat. I do have that flight to Timbuktu. Wonder what they’re serving?”
Before he could think of what the food might be, he got a call from Zambia telling him his flight was cancelled and they could not issue him a refund.
He checked into the flight and saw he was confirmed on newly-acquired partner, Spirit! Meals were an economical $500
Mr. Scanner was in a world of confusion.
His palms began to sweat and his face
And he thought he saw a…
new opportunity to use his gift cards in a way even Frequent Miler has not yet though of——–
New opportunity?!? ….. It’s dangerous to go alone, take this! ….
Said the ethnically-ambiguous sidekick, handing him yet another Kohl’s gift card.
and he grabbed his smartphone so he could stay connected to all of his…
Wait he forgot he had already smashed his smartphone so he grabbed his…
walkie-talkie and yelled at the top of his lungs:
ethnically-ambiguous sidekick and kicked him in the groin. “That’s what you get for not being in the top 1% like I am!!”
His ethnically ambiguous sidekick screamed in pain.
And dropped dead.
With all the groin kicking going on, the Kohl’s card was used to buy a box of athletic supporters, netting a cool 20 points per $ and a sense on security.
…and through the pain moaned “but I know how to make a perpetual mileage machine”.
Scott is now upset he killed his friend as he could have used the mileage machine
and could have made some money off him with his Southwest Airlines companion pass that he earned with current SWA credit card offers.
On top of that he had this mess to clean up.
So he asked the stewardess, a waitress in the sky
so maybe he wasn’t really dead…just dazed.
Alas, he actually called the flight attendant a “stewardess, a waitress in the sky”, and she
slapped him on his face and have that vixen look in her eyes at Scott. The flight attendant asked Scott “Do you have a AmEx Centurion Card?” where Scott answered “Yes. but why?” Flight Attendent explains, “the Centurion Card have healing and invisibility properties.”
Scot wonders
aimlessly
aimlessly throught the aircraft
Using the healing and invisibility powers of the Centurion Card he
back and forth. hands on head. he paced
wondering what would happen next.
He decided to use the invisibility powers and
finds that he no longer needs points at all, since no one can actually see him.
As I entered the gloomy old house, I heard a board creak behind me…
I froze in fear…listening for the faintest squeak.
I was happy to see it was only my dog Daisy.
Who was wondering if she would earn miles by flying in a carrier in cargo.
But Daisy had secret powers and was able to fly.
But only with the proper drugs, which cost more than a ticket on a flight. Thus she was asking about miles.
Only if Gary would stop giving it to her.
She then got a kick in the groin by a random stranger who turned out to be..
Gary, who hates drugs.
Due to the severity of the injury to her groin, Daisy was put down at the PETA headquarters.
However her spirit returned and
whipped out a targeted 100k Amex platinum offer!
which was quickly rescinded by Amex due to an error made by a lowly intern. The offer was now only a standard credit card with high APR and insanely high annual fees.
But with lounge access
and then a loud yodeling was heard from around the corner.
Perhaps Special Agent Scanner really made it to Zurich!
Nope, it was william shackner and he was with….
Or maybe it was the Yeti from Disneyland’s Matterhorn ride.
No! It was The Frequent Miler yodeling!!! What was he doing here in this weird psychotic world that wasnt making any sense??
But with folks dying left and right it surely wasn’t Disneyland…
It was Shattner, the Disneyland yeti and Frequent Miler, and they were yodeling a sad tale about the quality of Cartera-run mileage malls and Verizon accessories…
so SA Scanner decided to get back to the mission at hand…now what was it?!?
I think the last meaningful thing Scanner did was lift a glass or two of Maker’s Mark that was spiked…. Maybe the effects are starting to wear off.
Meanwhile, in a land far far away lived a lovely princess stuck in a tower.
And now comes the best part of the story!!
SA Scanner heard about this and just had to fly to that far away land to rescue the princess.
but he got delayed because he refused a full body pat-down from the TSA on his way to board his flight.
He did however manage to logon and read the post about a story that seems to mimic what was happening to him! But wondered why people couldnt hit refresh button their browser so that the story was in order.
So frantically calling out to his myriad of writers, he begged, “will someone please help to accomplish my mission without being kicked in the groin again?”
“Yes, I will,” said sweet, sexy voice behind him.
It was Lindsey Lohan and she was ready to party.
But then a policeman came up and arrested her.
With a full cadre of TMZ types there making sure we would ALL know about it…
Before the officer could handcuff her, she reached into her purse and tossed a handful of cocaine in his face, then ran, right into the waiting arms of
Mr. Scanner.
Who revealed himself to not actually be Mr. Scanner, but an alien zombie robot that can fly and has laser beams for eyes. The readers gasped at the revelation.
Not to be outdone, the Kardashian sisters showed up at this point because they heard there would be paparazzi coverage!
This was way too much for our hero who finally realized it was high time for him to hightail it out of there and take that flight to Timbuktu where he could take the step of his Mission; finding
Alien zombie Scanner liquified the Kardashian sisters one by one with this lazer beam eyes.
While the celebrity death match ensued, the real Agent Scanner slipped out after he spied an A380 left unguarded on the tarmac.
When he got to the A380….
Meanwhile, back at the TSA break room . . .
Everyone is laughing at this story and are so distracted by it that
They forgot how to type.
..back at the TSA break room Lex Luthor was planning his next world domination scheme when the door burst open. It was..
The security team from that A380 – which meant that the jumbo was left all alone!
Jane Seymour looking all sorts of fine.
So our hero snuck onto the A380.
Since no one was watching the jumbo, Superman quickly hoisted the plane in the air, and with all his might, threw it at the sun where it was devoured by the heat. No more jumbo.
..and apparently no more Scott Scanner either.
Tears were shed by all.
While in a little house far from all the drama, a butterfly in a cocoon was doing some of its own shedding.
Only to be eaten by a swooping bird.
Somewhere, Randy Petersen was still glowing and levitating, planning the next big thing…
..when the Ghost Busters arrived and sucked him into their ghost catching machine. Hey, he was glowing and levitating! What did you expect? Well, oops.
But Randy wasn’t inspired today. So he threw a tequila and taco party to get his creative juices flowing.
to gain miles. He requested all writers of this story to divulge all their best tricks.
This completely interrupted his backroom OWMD negotiation to have AA and Hyatt merge to form the nicest long haul carrier in existence – a Park Hyatt with a landing gear and double miles!
…the SkyTeam MegaDO!
Too bad the park Hyatt couldn’t fly, because it didn’t have any wings.. until red bull was used for fuel.
And everyone in the hotel was given the proper drugs.
Xanax.
“If we can achieve lift-off with all those amenities”, Randy thought “we could dominate the mileage and points universe and make billions…. Even millions!”
and Viagra.
Lots of viagra.
But while Randy was trying to pull this deal together, at the same time a humble blogger named Frequent Miler was already formulating a way this ‘Hyatt of the Heavens’ could be hacked…
to infinity and beyond!!
“if I can get this flying Hyatt to the international date line while everyone is distracted by all of the xanax and viagra”, FM thought “I can fly in circles and accumulate nights stayed for everyone onboard every 47 seconds!”
…he exclaimed while smirking and rubbing his palms together
Now if only I can combine my perpetual point machine with perpetual flights back and forth the international date line, I will be able to achieve my goal of world domination
or at least global domination of all frequent flyer blogs!
and maybe even let Daisy rest in peace
Just then, Frequent Miler discovered something quite disturbing…
…he had no gas in his ’93 Corolla.
Someone had broken into his secret stash of gift cards that he keeps locked away and stolen some cards.
Strangely enough, the thief had only stolen gift cards from…..
Victoria’s Secret. Were they even on the UR Mall?
The thief then decided to exchange the gift cards online for..
breath mints and yak shears.
which he then used to escape from
his neighbors closet which he ran into when he heard a slamming front door.Oh if only….
that flying monster Hyatt overhead would stop following him…. It’s like it knew that he had lifted those Vicky’s Secret cards that had been hidden in that guy’s boot!
Now he believes he has found his way out…through the door in the floor under the steps and darn smack dab into the…
washing machine.
So, that’s where my 57 individuals socks are hiding!
Now I can wear matching socks again for my next mission.
The pain from smacking into the washing machine brought a brief moment of lucidity that focused him on the task at hand…
finding out what ingredients really are in sasparilla and what exactly made it so tasty to non-drinking cowboys in saloons.
So he went to the bar in the Hyatt to order Sasparila for his investigation. But there he met
his untimely death at the hands of a drunken Hobo With a Shotgun who killed him with his Machete.
The hobo ran to make his escape on a nearby freight train. He ran along side the car and jumped in to find…
that in his drunken, homicidal stupor he’d failed to recognize it was actually an Amtrak Acela train getting ready to depart for…
parts unknown with no other passengers, conductors or even
other stowaway hobos.
There was eerie music playin throughout the train.
Lana del Rey.
He felt like he was again on RyanAir or Spirit Ailines having to be nickeled and dimed for soda and…
then he realized there was a strange smell in the train.
and, wow, it was bad and it was strong!
and then….
the strangest looking monster he had ever seen strolled down the aisle, breathing out an odious mixture of
toothpaste and Skittles and sushi
The monster asked him for…
directions to the nearest mall, because it had a profound need for some
T-shirts. But while he was there, he look over into the store window and saw
Nail clippers and baking soda to
Trim his nails and bake a cake
Valentines Day candy and dental hygiene products.
and a NOOK also sat poised in the window, with a constantly updating story appearing across the screen!!!
What! Are you telling me that the NOOK we’ve been promised by Frequent Miler is a used NOOK!?
Unfortunately Bob, the truth hurts
But Bob gets over it as he has a pocketful of victoria secrets giftcards and lots of socks so off to the spa which transforms him into a new man…all decked out he heads too…
the airport, ready to fly away.
So he hopped on the Dash-8 for his 596 stop flight from to Tokyo.
and decided to get off the plane early so grabbed his suitcase and a parachute and jumped out at 20,000 feet only to land ….
Bob brought the used Nook just in case
so that he could use it in…
he land in the most boring place but ended up n the middle of the ocean on a supposedly deserted island.Bobs first thought was….
“is that D. B. Cooper?!?”
riding a dolphin to Necker Island?
Bob wondered how he got himself into this mess..
Oh my its …its…oh my …..can it possibly be….
my cat.
Picking up the cat, Bob wandered the beach to the west and the cat suddenly exclaimed.. “
“I can’t swim!”
and I prefer riding in a boat….so where is the boat?
just then Ms. Jennifer Farragut, alias secret agent Frequent Pointer, showed up on her amphibious airplane, outfitted for special missions to
He just came to realize that the Viagra wasn’t blue, hmmm… That would explain..
just then Ms. Jennifer Farragut, alias secret agent Frequent Pointer, showed up on her amphibious airplane, outfitted for special missions to … rescue cats from isolated islands. But first the cat asked “Do I get miles for the flight?”
To which Osama Bin Laden, who wasn’t really killed by Seal Team 6 in that raid(it was a hoax! no body) said, “No, you don’t get any miles for that flight! Mwuahahahahaha!”
… and then erupted in a ball of flames!
So the cats said “Thanks, but I will wait for a miles producing flight to rescue me.”
They found a canoe on the shore and decided to paddle to the closest airport 7000 miles away
The cat, in a fatal decision, decided to wait around for a pet-friendly Hyatt
Since the island was very near the international date line, the pilot flying the Hyatt in circles across it saw the stranded cat and…
continued to fly right over the cat without a second glance, too busy thinking about what his life-changing event of the morning
The cat was quite offended by this and wrote a complaint to Hyatt requesting points for compensation.
and filed a lawsuit for species discrimination.
Alas, he couldn’t find a mailbox on the island, so he put his complaint an lawsuit in a bottle…
..and crawled in with it, setting sail on the high seas
And threw the bottle in the trash!
and this amazing bottle was picked up from the trash by a passing young beautiful lady…
And she happened to be on her way to the headquarters.
No wait, it was a man..on a raft. He just had really long hair.
Anyway, the long haired man threw the bottle into the water as intended. But the cat had forgotten to put a cork in it. So…
it floated slowly downward where it was ingested by a passing whale, on its way to
the Atlantis resort. The cat was sure the whale would be disappointing at the lack of award space. On the surface, Bob pulled out the weathered Nook and
Japan, where Japanese whalers…
yelled ‘Uno!’
The whale saw the whalers so he pretended to be a dolphin..
the whale’s recent diet (reduced fat plankton) really helped sell that trick, as the whale had been aspiring to appear in future Subway commercials with Jared…
from The Pretender TV show, who is still fleeing The Centre and trying to find out who
the mother of Ted’s kids in How I Met Your Mother.
Meanwhile, the cat horked up a hairball, which really torqued off both the whale and the Japanese.
So Bob and his cat have been rescued and have been invited to be on the Ellen Degenerous show and happily excited because they will be performing their new act which they know the audience will love ….
Then the hairball grew a mind of its own. It picked up a samurai sword, cut up the whale, killed the cat, and beheaded the Japanese. The hairball just became our hero.
And then Bob woke up from his dream and him and his cat walked onto Eleens stage…YEA!!! Everyone was excited…
because on this show Frequent Miler had promised to reveal his latest scheme -
titled “How to Get Traffic To One’s Blog and Earn Loads of Cash by Promising to Give Away Something That Doesn’t Cost Very Much”
during which he will read excerpts from this story, interspersed with his latest tips for earning miles by doing
Google check.
Which worked out perfectly for his encore…
Mega do giveaway.
The mega google do?
But there were no Google card churning opportunities.
What if he just made Goo-gily eyes at all of the Chase cards that are out there, but just outside the 3-4 a year comfort zone… What to do?
He looked at the American Airlines 50K offers and…
Wanted to churn very very badly, but…
applied for both 50k offers, hoping to get a haul of 100k miles but instead got denied even after calling for reconsideration. So he decided..
to buy a boat and cruise to wherever he wanted to go. To hell with miles.
his first stop was the coast of Italy, where his boat was ran over by a ship called the Costa Concordia.
The sinking boat killed the whale that ate the bottle. The bottle was recovered from the whale’s body by the Japanese whalers who claimed the whale and the complaints thernin were…
of no concern to them.
But when one of them told his wife about this, she insisted he tell the press about this amazing find.
Suddenly, a huge space craft emerged from the sky. It was the Star Destroyer, and in it was Darth Vader wielding his red light saber. Dum dum dum, dum-du-dum, dum-du-dum..
Oh god! Now what!!!
Then suddenly a light saber magically appeared.
And when Darth Vader emerged from the craft, he removed his helmet and revealed that he was, in truth, TSA Special Operative Scott Scanner, still alive and ready to rumble!
Agent Scanner said, “it’s the cat Bob, get the cat back from the whale…our mission lies within it’s
It was like Han Solo reappearing alive all over again!
digestion of Arctic Krill. We’re convinced that Krill contains a secret substance that when digested by a whale becomes an elixir, whose special properties include
those mimicked by A Club Platinum status, including eternal life! Bob missed the free promotion recently and had been kicking himself because it was all due to
Concerns about impotence. Thank goodness for Cialis though!
Yes, Cialis is such a sweetheart. No matter how down he gets, Cialis is always there to cheer him on with kind words and invitations to
Bob’s head was spinning. He jumped on the spaceship with Scott and they beamed up the whale for
…and invitations to amusement parks all over the world.
“Cut!” shouted Spielberg, the director. “Take five!” He was exasperated; it was his first attempt at a mock-umentary, and something was telling him his intuition on the storyline just wasn’t clicking…
so he consulted a group of experts.
So in come the experts headed by the one and only paula Dean.
…ya’ll smell that? come closer …
then Master Yoda appeared wielding his green light saber! He started dueling with Darth Vader when..
suddenly, without warning, paula exploded.
Spielberg yelled at the effects guys and told them to
make the explosions bigger!
so they began building another Paula Dean robot
but they couldn’t hear him
so they started off with only a small robot. “Don’t you know how much paula eats?” yelled spielberg? They quickly began again.
And Paula can only eat what was last mentioned on Rachel Ray’s “Eating for $5 a day in Panama City Beach” from 2006
That makes no sense, said the author of the story.
The door burst open and in came Chuck Norris. He viciously kicked Spielberg in the groin and he died instantly.
“Chuck Norris is king of the entire universe!” he yelled.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice!
The others quickly fell silent, not in awe but in disbelief. Could this really be
Perhaps.
The cat suddenly woke up in a cold sweat. He was at home at the foot of the bed and thought
“I’m alive right now because Chuck Norris allows me to live”
… Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is, but a cat’s dream.
But did Hyatt receive my complaint?
The sun had set and the night was
still. Somewhere, though, someone was stirring in a Westin heavenly bed.
cold, but the Cat didn’t care about that.
The cat was actually Chuck Norris, only pretending to be a cat.. so he
Orly said the cat to the room attendant who was talking about
The cat was actually Chuck Norris, only pretending to be a cat.. so he traveled to Hyatt headquarters to demand his points, or else!
the Hyatt headquarters wasn’t actually the Hyatt headquarters, but a Hilton headquarters only masquerading as a Hyatt headquarters. Chuck Norris was so angry at the deception that he..
the cat nervously crouched under the corner of a desk, fearful what may happen next…
Chuck Norris was so angry that he became a cat again, and he hid under the corner of the desk.
As Chuck Norris the cat was throwing his temper tantrum he had a nightmare about these missing points, and jumped up hitting his head and screamed “Me-Owwwwwww” as an enormous….
new Chase British-American-Asian-Australian credit card with 0% APR for 10 years, no foreign transaction fee, unlimited first class lounge access and 5 bazillion points upon application approval offer emerged.
Everyone was in awe and quite shocked. One by one they started to…
apply for the card. But….
all of them got denied because they didn’t have the required credit score of 1000
However to each who applied and denied got a Chase 4-continent card having powers making the cardholder ireesistible to the opposite sex.
It gave off an odor that attracted many.
flies, mosquitoes, yellow jackets and pterodactyls-
all very hungry for human flesh
Good thing the cat wasn’t human, so none of them touched him.
Scratching my head wondering what to do.
Meanwhile, at the Vatican, the Pope was on his royal toilet trying to squeeze out a big dump when..
His phone rang.
You want me to do what ???
It was one of his Bishops who wanted help concealing some very disturbing criminal offenses of a devious nature against little boys.
But definity a job to be handled very carefully.
Handled so well that even the authorities were not informed.
A top secret mission.
Top Secret Mission… SOOO secret that even the agents involved were given no details ….
God, what now???
So, God said let’s try a new mission based on love, understanding, gratitude and true enjoyment.
And the humans replied:
Humans replied: Sounds like a great idea! Where do we start?
You start in your heart.
That’s where love, peace, understanding and happiness are found.
“That is your mantra for your cover in the Cult” says the agents handler.
Executives from Fox studios were called to the scene.
Only it took them forever to arrive. For some reason, their flight went through a bunch of random cities and nobody could figure out why. Or could they…
Every time I see that airport I get happy
After many layovers and one open jaw the Fox News executives finally made it to the scene. They had to run to avoid the lightning bolts crashing down all around them…
The mission had begun.
Well, actually, the mission began over a week ago. Nonetheless…
Thy looked to their heart and decided
they decided that this mission sucks so they all flew back home.
and lived happily ever after………….
Except one day one of them had this desire to tell a story
and so it all starts again and again and again………….
Starting his Peruvian adventure, and having taken the one-hour morning flight from Lima to Cusco, Scott was having trouble adjusting to the 11,000-ft elevation, breathing heavily as he tried to make his way to his hotel.
His first stop was for some Coca tea.
As well as more Makers Mark
He thought, “I’ll just put coca leaves in my Makers”.
It tasted delicious.
And it helping my headache.
He took another sip and thought…
“I want to go home.”
But he couldn’t remember where home was anymore.
Oh yeah, it was in Paducah.
How long and daunting of a trip it would be to return to Paducah.
His mind started to wander thinking about strawberries from around that area of Kentucky and…
bourbon, Makers to be exact.
Yeah Makers. And his worsening case of cirrhosis.
He thought fondly of his home down and started missing his mommy.
Because she always had a large amount of Makers on hand.
While thinking about the Makers his mom had, a comet suddenly slammed into Paducah and killed Scott in an instant. Meanwhile, his mom
was wondering what the heck kept happening to Scott in these stories….. But was thankful he had 9 lives and a large balance on AwardWallet to use on their next vacation together.
Anyway, so he poured another on the rocks.
Which by the way he got free by using his AMEX Membership Rewards points. As he entered his daily stupor he stared at his AwardWallet points as they continued to dwindle from his continual exchange for more Makers. He asked himself “should I switch to a cheaper brand? “But what would mom think?” Would she ever allow him to visit again? Such questions haunted him that night as he drifted off. Then, with a loud bang………..
Suddenly the older man’s voiceover stopped because Fred Savage asked another question about the story. Everyone watching wished Fred would just go to bed already.
He then poured yet another on the rocks
while pouring it he noticed something moving under the skin on his arm. could it be
that he was getting varicose veins from drinking all of this MM?
a new form of life?
Sadly, Scott’s veins burst which caused him to die. He didn’t have 9 lives after all, just that last one he spent. Scott’s son however, Sean Scanner, was alive and well. His first course of action was
To finish crawling out if dads arm in an odd molting form of mutation. The alcohol had formed Sean, a newer breed of
genetically altered super zombie were-bunny bent on world domination.
Sean was ready to go out and live the life he’d always wanted to live.
Until he died of a heart attack. His sister, Susan Scanner, decided to continue on his legacy, vowing revenge on whatever causes heart attacks.
Unbeknownst to her, she was the cause…
Don King’s really large hair back in the 80s…. Something to do with static.
But the static had a unknown side effect that was usefull
The heart disease was unfortuinatly genetic and Susan’s heart also exploded. The Scanner family was now gone.
Meanwhile, back in his basement after having earned the secret Hyatt status zirconium from accruing 4,532,333 nights before the plane circling the international date line ran out of fuel, Frequent Miler was working on a new plan to earn points and miles world domination….
He realized someone was following him trying to steal his valuable ideas. It was none other than…
Scooby Doo
Scooby as usual was stoned out of his mind and demanding Scooby snacks.
…but there were no snacks in sight. Scooby got sidetracked writing a complaint to Delta for this terrible inconvenience. For which he could expect 10k RDM minimum. So FrequentMiler got back to his plan.
But was again interrupted by…
A football team
Frequent Miler backed off and went home where he experienced first hand a home invasion. The intruders stole all his things and stabbed him to death in the process.
Then God came to him and said “youve been good, I will grant you life or……”
Let someone else be put on earth who has a story to tell
And the person he chose was….
Ollie, who then started the story we are reading now.
the saga continued…
It was another dark and stormy night.
Hell had frozen over and the Detroit Lions had won the Super Bowl.
Frank was driving down the road in his 1957 Chevy convertible. Unfortunately, the top didn’t go up anymore. He was getting soaked, and he could barely see the road in front of him.
And then suddenly…
Suddenly a deer ran out in the road.
Out jumped a lion, in Detroit. The irony.
The lion was chasing the deer, of course, because he was hungry.
But this was no regular deer. No it was half unicorn half Bambi offspring.
But the lion didn’t care. He was hungry because he hadn’t won enough football games recently. Or perhaps tha was the other way around – he hadn’t won enough football games recently because he hadn’t been eating well.
The famished lion was no match for the super powered deer who stomped the lions until innards covered his neon glowing hooves
Football scouts from all over the U.S. noticed this. They wanted genetic samples of the deer for purposes of breeding better football players.
Many football scouts tried their luck only to end up worse than the lion.
Which, or course, is easy to do.
The Detroit street were running red with scouts blood.
And in the distance…..
a bird, a plane? No it was….
Mrs. Butterworth?
Or is it Mr. Clean in a corset?
The shining bulb quickly approaching turned out to be something much more intriguing then Mr. Clean’s bulbous shining head. It was…
The headlight of the refueled flying Hyatt Hotel.
Frank was perplexed, “How could such a nice hotel have just one headlight?”
He couldn’t possibly figure out the reason.
Until he realized it was a cyclops headlight.
With a flying luxury hotel, you know it’s flying IVR…. Don’t even ask where the pilot is sitting!
But the pilot saw the dead deer, and acting on the instructions of the hotel chef …
Smashed the hotel’s only headlight. The glass shattered like…
smashed headlight. He he smashed it because on a dark and stormy night, it was useless, especially since there was only one. Because of the bad lighting, he had mistaken a dead lion for a dead deer.
Meanwhile, in Florida, Mitt Romney the Mormon won the primary which caused Newt Gringrich the adulterer to fume in anger.
The pilot set the hotels path towards Florida
Then suddenly the pilot was surrounded by f-16 fighter jets.
Which shot at him furiously, causing his plane to crash. He survived the crash, but the sharks in the water got to him.
Then out of nowhere came a boat and scared the sharks away.
It was a 44′ Fountain…mmm
Although not before the sharks tore him up inside out. The captain of the boat was none other than the infamous Captain Ahab, on the hunt for Moby Dick.
But little did the captain know that Moby was the whale who swallowed the bottle and was killed by the Japanese whalers.
Realizing that Moby was there no more, Ahab figured there was no more reason for his existence. In old-fashioned Japanese style, he committed seppukku with a short dagger, asking his first mate to cut off his head.
The first mate complied, but only after he finished playing another game of Angry Birds.
Ahab’s head went flying and was adrift in the smooth currents of the ocean, just as he would have wanted. A seagull flew by and dropped a load on it.
Messy and wet.
It was an angry bird plop.
crows came out of nowhere and started munching on the head.
Pieces of the flying Hyatt magically reassembled on the ocean floor. This Hyatt now had the largest swimming pool
Ahab’s first mate threw the crows some Alka-Seltzer which they ate and exploded.
The Hyatt now strangely resembled the lost city of Atlantis, at the bottom of the ocean….. With the world’s largest infinity pool!
And then a suckerfish came and ate the whole city.
The Hyatt had made a terrible decision hiring the suckerfish as the doorman.
From eating that much, the suckerfish got one awful case of indigestion…
And eventually exploded.
Parts flew everywhere.
Causing a nearby squid to be hit in the eye by flying pieces of raw suckerfish. The squid was furious!
But all was not lost.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“and all the people said, Amen.”
and she rolled her eyes, said “c’est la vie” and skipped out of the room.
The squid’s rage caused him to turn green and grow exponentially in size
..and on this dark and blustery night – the plane appeared out of nowhere…
And narrowly missed the squid.
Unfortunately, the whale was not so lucky.
The giant squid grabbed the low flying plane out of the sky and smashed it into the ocean. There was only one survivior.
Who, through skill and dexterity, successfully managed to use his seat as a flotation device.
The squid did not like survivors so went on the offensive.
The survivor was the cat, saying 1 life down, 8 to go.
Fred who was the captains cook survived which is funny really seeing as he lost his shoes & dentures in the attack.
Can you imagine Fred surviving of all people.
But the survival was short lived as the giant squid devoured him instantly.
The squid then looked around, wondering what he could go after next.
The Iranians heard about the threat of the giant squid and decided the try out their newly made atomic bomb. The bomb was made from faulty directions and the explosion was more than antcipated, destroying the entire world and all living things.
The squid somehow managed to survive and ended up landing on Mars.
At this point the squid realized how amazing he was.
The pressure from outerspace crushed the squids insides. he was not so amazing anymore
Until he realized that there are no airlines or Hyatts on Mars, thus no miles or points. Bummer.
Super bummer.
There wasn’t much air, either. But then, being an underwater creature, the squid didn’t need much air. But, also, being an underwater creature, he needed liquid water. Oops.
His dead body was then smashed by a passing meteor.
On that meteor was — the cat, now with only 8 lives left.
A comet smashed the cat…7 lives.
He was this time wearing a hat. He was, The Cat in the Hat. And he was pissed the meteor had no door mat.
The cat was not very good at math.
But he was gud at spellins
An alien came over to inspect the squid’s remains.
But the cat had already eaten them.
Alien called up to its home base to find more info on the squid
The response was the anything a cat would eat would be of no interest to the aliens.
but was the response right???
But the first alien was of a different opinion.
He felt there was something special about this squid
in London it was worth a quid
so on ebay it put in a bid…
He packed it in a jar and closed the lid.
and said, “yes I did!”
Upon a high shelf was the jar hid.
then into bed, he slid.
Having visions running through his head.
Choked on his saliva, which caused the coroner to pronounce him dead.
‘Can Dan do stuff other than make things die?’ he said.
Hurry! Kill it with fire!!
And an investigation he led.
He thought long and hard using his head.
Then he got hungry, so his stomach he fed.
MMM Biscoff, he said!
suddenly the sky turned a blistering red
Arose from the ground, the legions of undead.
They attacked the living till the streets ran with red.
the cat was so frightened all his hair he did shed
then he went transatlantic on a nice LX flat bed
But the zombies didnt stop, they must be fed
but an unexpected hero rose, a young Lad…
his name was Fred..
his weapon of choice……
the bolster pillow from his bed
He grabbed it and fled.
down the stairs and into his hiding place at Club Med
the terrible thoughts he was having he did indeed dread.
out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a sled.
took the blades off it and hit a zombie, it bled.
until after his meal he felt well fed
especially with all that delicious bread
so onto another adventure he felt himself led
no longer worrying about the wife he just wed
“I’ll find myself a way to win a nook to be read”
“No matter what scary tales lie ahead”
He then realized the wife he just wed,
Was a flight attendant wearing red.
Oh no, forgot to check her sched
thought she was still at home in bed
After his first kill he got lots of street cred
And lots of this from his neighbors: dread
So he killed them all instead.
Just then he arose from under his spread
And realized his dreams had now fled
Thank God, I didn’t kill anyone dead
My dreams sure did have me misled
Then he got tired of rhyming and decided to get back on track.
At least until he fell flat on his back
At least in this story rhymes do not lack,
because some of it writers have the knack.
And some of this story’s writers many miles do rack
So they can fly free to and back
Luxury accommodations they do not lack
Ease in finding a place to hit the sack
So, let’s give a cheer for all who give rhyming a crack
And be grateful for all tips shared with this pack
But perhaps we should get off of this rhyming track
And get this story back into its original whack.
But then it all went black.
Could some anti-milepointers have gone on attack?
Someone trying to force this thread on a new tack?
What must we do to get our story back?
We need someone with a miles and points knack.
with a knick knack paddy whack give a dog a bone, this little kitty went strutting home.
then back to the web to discover more ways to garner more miles and points for more trips on more airlines to more hotels with more status……………
But the web had disappeared.
He found the right tool, the perfect apparatus.
Frequent Miler’s perpetual point tool was posting pointers
On credit card churning and tips for frequent fliers.
He got tired of all the miles and points and decided to go to Vegas.
Got himdelf the best room in the house and them decked himself out for a night of fun….
Until he got too stoned and drunk that he killed himself, with one bullet in a gun.
And he exploded, like everything else in this story.
Indeed he would, what good would it be if the tale were not gory?
But a maid came into his room and found a suicide note.
And from it she read this quote.
“I’m sorry but I have to gloat.
I’ve traveled the entire world for free by airplane, train and boat.
The excitment of travels have kept my life afloat.
Now that I’ve seen it all there is nothing more to promote.
To my friend Frank I leave my mountain goat.
To my sister I leave my hooded coat.
And to my mother I leave the last of my federal reserve notes.
Please do not misquote.”
These were the last words that he wrote.
The maid folded the note into a tiny square and hid it in her pocket.
She didn’t know what to do.
She called up her good friend Lucy.
Lucy told her to rip throught the pockets of the dead man and take all valuables. Which she did only to find nothing but lint.
But it was golden lint.
and with that golden lint, she decided to see if she can trade up and eventually get a house.
A boat house.
The maid then realized there was a babrely legible sentence on the bottom of the suicide note. She was sure it was worth its weight in gold but didn’t understand what it meant: NYC-SIN $500 ai (CPM $0.035)
She opened up her Frequent flyer dictionary that she handily brought that day.
and noticed, that she was in Africa and this deal didn’t pertain to her. So she signed up for 13 credit cards in one day.
Her credit score shot down 80 points.
Just kidding! She was smart to do it all in one day, so her credit score was barely affected.
She maxed out all the cards and was so distaught by her choices she jumped off the Willis Tower.
and into the waiting arms of our new heroine,
Fantastic Francine the Frequent Flyer For Free
Francine was a heavy smoker.
She smoked weed every day. And loved it.
She stayed higher than the planes she flew in.
until one day, a plane landed on her head
don’t worry, it was her nephew’s 9 inch toy plane with remote control
She was too high to get out of the way.
F5 was a wonderful, patient woman.
until her nephew tried to fly his plane into her nostril.
Then she
got so enraged that her red hair turned into whips of fire. she used one to pull the airplane away and crash it and another to
toss her nephew half way around the world. Who knew she
had that much power in a strand! she marveled at her newfound strength, thinking of all the fun things she could do.
One day, she took it too far and her body exploded. She died with no chance of bringing her back to life.
Just like that MD80!
Until one day, with a look of disbelief…
the MD80 engine started again!
Of course that lady
whose name was Kady
said what if I owned all of the ice in Iceland?
This lady who’s name was Kady then decided to go and find out. She bought all the ice from Iceland and dug into it and became hypothermic and DIED.
But at least she was happy.
She was happy when she was still alive. Not anymore though. Corpses don’t have emotions.
Then Al Gore was right and all ice melted, She UNFROZE!!!
She unfroze just as the Iranian military were testing some nukes on the area. She didn’t get hit directly by the nukes, but she did die from the radiation.
But we believe in reincarnation, and she came back as a…
…shapeshifter who had to decide on her preferred shape. She was able to choose between forms she remembered from her past life, or even to design her own, as long as she kept within the mass requirements of the body.
No wait, she came back as something REAL. A lovely dove.
But then the dove ate rice and exploded.
The rice had magical properties that stopped the ones who eat it from using their reincarnation powers.
Next to the explosion remains was a movie star.
This movie star’s name was Tom Cruise. A man of ambiguous sexual orientation and of questionable religious beliefs.
There was that feeling of familiarity again.
Wait, I think I was already reincarnated in this form before.
Then Whoopie Goldberg showed up and gave her a
a well deserved wedgie.
Fortunately at this point in the story, Frequent Miler intervened with even more prizes – $25 Kiva certificates – which allow the recipient to make loans to people in Tajikistan, Philippines, Senegal, Costa Rica and dozens of other countries. And what’s great about these people is that they are extremely unlikely to blow up because they have their own fascinating stories, like………
The time that they were given thousands of nooks as gifts, but then they blew up.
But due to one faulty Nook, the new CEO of Barnes & Noble, Ben Evolence, gave away thousands of Nooks!
But when he woke up…
The Nook became a book about the Cat in the Hat.
And while reading the Nook, the Cat in the Hat ordered breakfast – a large order of green eggs and ham.
And so he ate and ate and ate to his stomach’s delight until his face turned green.
and the moral of this story is…………..
and then he heard a ‘hooooo…..’ from the direction of Kalamazoo……
where Frequent Miler was in hiding because the Ann Arbor police wanted him for questioning in his latest card caper
what exactly was this card caper may you ask? well…
you might ask what the furthest distance one can currently ‘fly’…. And how can miles be earned from it.
he started trading gift cards for old baseball cards. But the ones he traded for were the old ones from the 50s and 60s which traded with bubble gum. so, Frequent Miler soon found himself in a very sticky situation………….
then he remembered the extremely cold temperatures at high altitude during past flights… if he could get the cards cold enough, he could freeze the gum adhesive stuck to the cards and knock it off, and earn massive miles!
So, off he went to his computer to search for his options. Should he book with cash or miles, he wondered..
He started his computer excited to start the search
when his computer exploded. Killing him instantly. That is why James Bond had to continue his story.
Bond noted “there seems to be a lot of explosions, death and reincarnation in this story.” Kind of hard to develop a story line when everyone disappears before they have any action. Maybe we need a dull story about piano lessons…..
Once upon a time…….
there was a boy who wanted to play the piano at Carneige Hall
but he was given a guitar instead.
so he decided to make the best of it and took lessons to learn how to play rock music
but he was an epic failure.
After many years of trying he pursued another goal in his life which was……………….
which means he couldn’t win a Nook…
but that didn’t deter him,he went to ___________
He realized he was tone deaf and needed to pick a new career. He chose garbage man.
said the Magical Flying Walrus, ‘you must find a way to travel to the snowy North and there you will learn to play the keyboard guitar.’
He said how will I ever find my way and who do I see when I get to the snowy North?
before the Magical Flying Walrus could answer, a homicidal wild man arrived with a serrated dagger and repeatedly stabbed the boy. He bled to death right then and there.
BUT WAIT, it was a mistake by the paramedics, he miraculously started breathing.
Everyone rejoiced in the miracle when suddenly, out of nowhere, the vengeful wild man appeared and delivered a killing blow to the boy in the chest directly where his heart is. He also massacred the paramedics and kept an eye on the dead corpse of the boy to make sure he wouldn’t live again.
Suddenly the boys spirit emerged from his body and——–
and then —
he decided to write a points and miles blog from a place where even Dan couldn’t find him and kill him….
Dan couldn’t kill him, but the deranged wild man certainly could. He killed himself so he too would be a spirit, and quickly followed the boy into the afterlife, always on the hunt, so that he would never be able to write his story.
But alas the deranged wild mans plan failed, his spirit went to Hell and the boys spirit was in Heaven where the deranged man could never get to him.
Good thing the boy wasn’t a Christian, so he was sent to hell too for having impure thoughts. He ended up with the wild man anyway.
While in Hell the boy found out that the wild man couldn’t stand his singing, so whenever he seen the wild man he started to sing, which drove the wild man into the deeper pits of Hell, and he was never seen or heard from again.
but not before Dan slipped and fell on his head. Causing him to go to the hospital where he met a cute guy and found out he was gay.
This cute guy’s name was Mike. Unlike Dan, Mike never fell on his head and was actually gay ever since he could remember. He wasn’t interested in Dan when he could have many other hot guys he could chase.
(I knew you would write that! haha)
So now Mike went online to see what other credit cards he can sign up for since his last signup was 3 months ago.
He read that the cards best for him right now were…
(Bet you didn’t know I’d write THIS)
unavailable to gay people. He was pretty upset. Suddenly, Dan, angry that Mike rejected him, appeared from behind and chopped him in half from head to groin.
Then Dan looked startled! There’s no BLOOD!! This is a mannequin!! Mike comes out of the shadows behind Dan and chops him up with Dan’s own weapon! Afterwards, he checks Dan’s DNA, fingerprints, dental records, blood type, pupil patterns and it’s a 100% match.
Mike, being so happy with himself, forgot to count “Dan’s” chromosomes. A normal human being would have 23 pairs, but Dan actually has 23.5 pairs(because he’s awesome). It turns out the man he killed was actually Dan’s less awesome clone. Mike’s eyes grew wide open in disbelief, and from the sky came Dan in a glider with a Samurai sword, cutting Mike in half.
But even though Dan is supposedly “awesome” with 23.5 pairs, he forgot to even check Mike’s DNA!!!!
That was Mike’s AI! Mike comes out of the ground and rips him apart with a chainsaw!
With his body mangled and feeling hopeless, Dan uttered the magic words to complete his transformation. He was reborn into a GOD!! Not caring what Mike would do anymore(because he’s just a mere mortal), Dan ascended into Olympus and ruled the world from his throne.
A loud buzzing sound stuck in his ear, it was his alarm clock. He awoke from this long and drawn out dream with just enough time to get ready for work that morning and to live happily ever after. The End.
and the alarm clock DIED. The end.
Meanwhile, back at Frequent Miler headquarters, it was time to get the kid to school. Trudging off thru snow and icy winds, Frequent Miler said, “it’s time for us to take a vacation where it’s warm. Let’s go to……”
The Gili Islands! A backpacker haven, but very cost friendly and with unbeatable scenery.
But can frequent miler figure out how to get there with miles/…
And so it all began again.
First he sat down and calculated his available miles.
He found out that he had enough miles to go anywhere in the world , so he decided to go to———
the Jersey Shore
The Gili Islands. He then had to decide which airline to fly, and settled on…
Jet Blue. Which he boarded and took off in. Unfortunatly the plane malfunctioned and exploded mid flight killing everyone.
However Frequent Flyer and his son were able to snag 2 parachutes and managed to safely land on…
A remote island. They were safe for only a short time as this island was inhabited by a human eating tribe. Both were cooked on the spit and eaten.
However their spirits took over the men who ate them and thus their story continues.
Until Iran sent a nuclear bomb to the area, killing the men.
Infact the bomb was so large it melted every living creature on Earth.
or did it? Just then, FF noticed
Yes it did.
That although his body was destroyed, he could still think and feel. In fact, he could also communicate with his son, FF mini!
FF mini has only 1 leg
However, he was able to grow another leg, and was able to swim away from the island and went to——-
Madagascar
Where they chopped off both of his legs and arms and used his torso as a target for shooting practice.
Throughout the night, the remains were memorialized by a prayer ceremony and set ablaze, but before the natives could offer the ashes to the ocean, a cyclone appeared in the water just as the sun nipped the horizon.
The ashes flew everywhere never to be seen again.
With frightening speed…
…he tied both of his shoes in double knots.
But who was he?
and took one giant flying leap…
Into the unknown
but his shoes came off again
As he was flying in the unknown he thought “Tie your shoes George.”
and he died because he was shoeless.
again, floating dead in space.
Isn’t it amazing how our characters keep dying and coming back to life?! This time was no exception…
Then his dead body exploded.
but it was a case a mistaken identity, it wasn’t him, it was his long lost identical twin.
Since the twin are eternially connected he also exploded, just much more violently.
including his shoes
Most interesting!
A chicken was crossing the road…
and lost his hat.
But held tight to the matching cane!
and on the other side…
of the road was another chicken who was able to talk and asked “why does everyone keep dying/”
And the first chicken yelled ‘Duck!’……
as, well, a large Mallard flew over, of course!
If She said “Come”, I’d be in Standby tonight
And then this saga lost most of its readership, because it had become too morbid.
From the readership, a strong accent was heard….’Tis a shame’, said a man called Shamus ‘That we couldn’t be gittin back to havin a travel related adventure since that is what we are all ‘ere for….leave the video game violence ‘ere it belongs….’ and with that he raised his pint to the other readers and said ‘Are ye wid me!?’
For a moment there was silence and then…
a big shout of Hooray! was heard throughout the land
And then the cat came back.
there was a new dawn.
after a dark and stormy night.
That had involved several really large toasts with many different libations!
Making that new dawn very bright indeed.
Almost as bright as the shiny sunlight.
and in this bright new dawn, somebody died..
This new day was bright indeed for Frequent Miler… He had masterminded a whole new level of mileage earning that involved Richard Branson’s space flight planecraft and Virgin Atlantic…. joining up with Star Alliance!
The Alaska Airlines meal prayer cards
Richard Branson convinced the executives to rename it the Galaxy Alliance.
Only because he was the secret owner of Glaxy Alliance
But he told them that the Titanium Platinum Diamond members would get a week free on his island after flying 250,000,000 BIS miles.
Suddenly a masked ninja arrived and shot a poisoned blowdart at Richard Branson before he could say more. He died a slow and agonizing death.
The super power of the Galaxy Alliance is that all the airlines’ website in this new alliance have the ability to view ALL availability award seats of all their partner airlines.
That is, until the Shadow Dragon Clan, a group of highly skilled ninjas decided to destroy this newly created Galaxy Alliance. They invaded the headquarters and massacred everyone in it.
But they missed one person who hid out in the Panic room and he was able to inform the police of all the members of the Shadow Dragon Clan.
then they found out that the leader of the clan was Bart from the Simpsons.
Once the Galaxy Alliance was created, Frequent Miler thought about using UR points to purchase a space flight…. but it was going to require Staples double-dip purchases of $10k x 10e14567… just a little more than Uncle Warren was willing to help with!
Good thing one member of the Shadow Dragon Clan was hiding in THEIR panic room. He survived and managed to kill the Frequent Miler with a crossbow to the heart. He also cut off his head and ran an extensive DNA test to make sure it was him.
but he forgot Frequent Miler has 23.5 chromos due to being slightly more awesome than humans!
He’s still alive!
…and thinking about how he could earn crazy miles by purchasing a coach ticket on the Galaxy Alliance space plane (nothing like speed and altitude to rack them up)… but the cost is one of those ‘if you have to ask, you can’t afford it’ propositions…
He asked anyway, and…
the price was $1 billion dollars. But he was able to google a promo code and received a discount of..
Got murdered by the angry security guard who was just nearby. The end.
Most of the authors of this drama agreed to simply ignore all deaths and continue with the story.
.42 cents… thinking there had to be another way, Frequent Miler calculated how many gift cards he would have to churn if he could average $3.42 cents profit on each…
and computed that he would have to live 400544.7408 years if he were to churn 2 a day. So, which offer was that that gave eternal life?
Or…. how could he churn those cards like a internet start-up on concentrated red bull? Pulling out his babushka hat, he snugged it onto his head and…no…. could it be? Frequent Miler was also Gift Card Granny!
Until Gift Card Granny died of a stroke due to her diabetes which was caused by her cancer.
Then Gift Card Granny came back to earth reincarnated as a cock roach.
and a thirst that could only be quenched by Makers Mark.
She sipped on some Maker’s Mark, and she magically turned back into a human! She can’t die, folks!
Remind me to always carry some Markers Mark around thought Granny
But the Makers was spiked with arsenic. Granny passed away in a drunken drugged sleep. Granpa was sad and decided to..
There was a huge sale for Markers mark for $1 per 750ml bottles.
Granny then moved on to continue her quest, all the while wondering why Dan and Tom seemed so intent on killing her.
But quickly decided to ignore them since they try to kill everyone and forgot that this story was supposed to be clean as possible since the bloggers wife and kid will be adding to the story.
She saw a great promo on BA site for Nordstrom 36pts/per $ spend and bought…
Granny figured that if she could make a small cut on every gift card churning points and miles addict, that she would be able to afford the world’s ‘highest flight…sometime around 2 years from now if Tom and Dan were only able to kill each other.
granny also decided that since summer is not too far away, she will have to start working out. so she joined a MMA club and met a trainer named…
Boba Fett who trained her in art of the one punch kill. Granny soon became gluttonous with power and…
Tom Brady.
who had been a bit down in the dumper after the Snoozer Bowl over the weekend – but as he told Granny, then he had gone home to Gisele and…
baked cupcakes, which cheered him up. Meanwhile, Granny started buying all sorts of wonderful things from Nordstrom, including a fancy new suit for Tom Brady.
but those Avios she was going to earn were only going to work for One World… good to bank in AwardWallet, but they weren’t getting her closer to orbit…. so she
decided to take a vacation and think about it. She chose to travel to…
Sri Lanka. She died of malaria and her corpse was eaten by ravenous beasts.
The ravenous beasts were native to the land and ruled with an iron fist.
But the invincible Granny bounced back, heading to the wonderful beaches to relax and plan her next steps…
Meanwhile back at the farm…
the smurfs were getting ready for a beautiful morning.
papa smurf ordered everyone to do morning excerises by lifting…
Baby smurf.
But Gargamel was lurking in the shadows.
because Gargamel wanted to exercise too. So so he grabbed Tom and Dan and started lifting them.
He lifted them up and threw them in blue paint.
and gave them each white caps to complete the “smurf” look.
Tom and Dan was so happy that they held hands and started to skip, singing “la la la la la laaaa!!! la-la-la-la-la!!!” smurfs theme song.
Tom pulled out his trusty bottle of Makers and shared with all in the smurf village. Papa Smurf was quite the drinker.
papa smurf started to share stories of his younger days where he was quiet the ladies man. Apparently, Papa smurf is Tom and dan’s real father!
Tom and Dan rejoiced in this news as Papa Smurf was loaded and more than happy to share the wealth.
Which explained their diminutive statures and blue tinged complexions.
Now, only if they can solve the mystery of who the mother is!
Unfortunately they had no clue, so they decided to focus their attention on…
why they can’t seem to make a new account on BA.com
it was nearly impossible for them to figure it out, but they finally did…
….. suddenly Keyboard Cat starts doin its thang and …
Since they were able to create their new account they decided to buy the entire village new clothes from Nordstrom.
But the cat had other ideas.
everyone was so excited about their new stuff that they decided to give tom and dan…
a deadly computer virus that killed both of them. The cat acted as consultant on this.
Then the cat ate all the foods in Toms and Dan’s frig.
But his primary motivation was that he feared that with Tom and Dan participating in this story, he might run out of his remaining 7 lives more quickly than he would like.
So he quickly ran away from the scene of the crime.
But not until he ate all the food, of course. After all, he is a cat.
and ran home to his owner, a certain granny…
who praised him and gave him some catnip for his virus death ploy. Now she can enjoy reading the story again.
But wait Tom and Dan had anti-virus and returned. They headed toward the cat to
show him what they thought of him and when Tom and Dan approached the cat they________________
tried to capture him but failed! granny grabbed cat and whisked them away to…
Bora Bora, where granny had booked reward nights over the water!! Unfortunately, the car wasn’t allowed in the resort! So, granny decided to…….
Jetski all the way to Tahiti, since that is where her stash of cocaine was hidden.
On the way to Tahiti she saw talking dolphins.
Out of the corner of here eye there was JCVD (Jean Claude Van Damme) sunbathing 10 yards away from here naked.
It was a glorious site.
at the sight of JCVD, she forgot all about the talking dolphins, but they insisted that she listen to them and they told her____________
They were better than naked JCVD. They were not.
Oh! Wow its actually a comic and jockey YouTube video posted here. thanks for sharing it.
But they wished they were
at Bangkok enjoying a massage.
Across the ocean a man was swimming towards all of the action.
Keeping his head above water, he kept a steady pace.
He was trying to reach Granny, for he too wanted to see JCVD
but instead found a magnificent naked specimen. Dan. The heavens opened up and the angels sang praise of his glorious physique.
before he turned to ash from being in their sight, while granny kept zipping towards the shore, oblivious to it all.
Until he realized that he had beer goggles on and Dan was really a short, obese, wrinkly man.
As Granny got close to shore, Van Damme got up and yelled…
Tequilla!!!!
So the Granny thought. Van damme actually said “There’s a shark behind ya!”
Sounds like Van Damme had hit some of Granny’s stash… So she high-tailed it to shore leaving the shark in the dust.
once she got to the shore, she found King Kong waiting for her and her that if she wanted to live, she has do a funky dance for him.
She did the funky dance, but was killed by Kong anyway for being old and wrinkly.
Then Dan cried his heart out because that was his Granny.
Stunned, bleary-eyed Dan looked up to see Kong metamorphose into his beloved Granny!
Then granny started to wonder into the forest where she decided to build a shelter and gather food.
But food could not be found; granny would have to grow the food. Wish Kong would help…
King Kong’s less superior brother, Donkey Kong then decided to help granny. Before he could get to her, she tripped on a protruding tree root and pierced her heart on a stake. Miraculously, she survived and can now go on with whatever she has to do next.
She started to wonder about and found a volleyball with a face drawn on it. Hmmm, this looks familiar, she thought.
Wilson!! She shouted as the name of the familiar face came to mind.
She caught some fish and sat Wilson down next to her as she began cooking her fish over open fire with some coconut water.
She normally liked her fish fairly raw, but decided it might be smarter this time around to cook it pretty fully.
She started thinking, I wish I had some fries with this, she looked around and seen_________________
JCVD creeping up on her with a devious look.
potatoes and make some french fries using the fish oil.
Later that night, she heard chanting coming from inside the woods.
A look she had seen once before.
a giant pineapple. YUM, she thought.
so she started to venture into the woods to find the source of the chanting. In the distance, she saw a huge bonfire and people dancing around it.
I wonder what that could be, she thought as she slowly crept closer.
and closer….. and closer… until…
she found herself right up near the action, hiding behind a bush. she peered through the leaves and saw…
Gillian, Skipper, Ginger, the professor, and Maryanne!!
She spotted the cause for their celebration. The 36x avois points offer had them dancing with their moves typically reserved for exit row space.
She wondered how they would get the goods they ordered there.
it didn’t matter however, because they only wanted the avios points.
they wanted to book their next trip.
As a group they decided on Amsterdam. Granny had a craving for some fuzzy green stuff.
so they nominated maryanne to handle the flight bookings.
On the way to the morally bankrupt city, Granny died. Oh so sad. Now the saga continues with Gillian!
Maryanne booked the flights with ease, although the others were very upset when they found she was the only one in flying in the front of the plane. So they…
They stopped in Granny’s hometown for the burial ceremony.
then carried onward with their journey. Once they arrived, they realized that they forgot to book hotels!
everyone panicked until maryanne said…
lets just camp in the streets!
no one particularly liked that idea.
but they had no other choice and started to make shelter out of cardboard boxes. Then a gentleman named Mike, saw them and booked suite rooms for each of them at the…
park hyatt, a lovely hotel in the center of town.
In the lobby of the lovely hotel, they met Sue S. and asked what she was doing here. She replied….
I’m movin with my auntie and uncle in Bel Air
Apparently Sue S. was drunk and didn’t understand what the question was. They went to their rooms and later Maryanne and Gillian went to the lobby for some drinks.
sadly they drank a little too much and…
decided to sneak off to the courthouse to get married.
Wouldn’t speak to her the whole trip and thus she missed out on the
onboard movie, playing “Decesdants”.
Unfortunatly same sex marriage was still illegal so Gillian and Skipper were out of luck.
Good thing it wasn’t gillian and skipper that was getting married but Gillian and Maryanne. Once they arrived at the courthouse they received a call from Skipper asking…
where they’d gone. they told him…
the bar.
strangely, maryanne and gillian wanted to keep their marriage a secret.
skipper wondered why they were being so secretive.
His thoughts racing trough head of what is yet to become.
come to find out, maryanne and gillian are really cousins.
They had no idea until years later when the baby they concieved came out with seven fingers and two tounges
But now we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Back to the day of the wedding…
Gillian gave her a tiffany ring and after the wedding, they got back to the rest of the crew and announced that they….
loathe that drunk woman Sue they had met in the lobby of the Hyatt that night in Amsterdam. All agreed their new mission was to hunt and kill her at all costs, and so they set out on their journey.
as they were leaving, a strange weird and ugly guy bumped into them and started threatening them. His name was Tom. They beat the crap out of him and killed him… journey onward…
They journeyed to the longest darkest bridge where they had been told Sue and her husband/brother Mike live under. Sure enough under the bridge in a dirt cave there sat two retched creatures, Mike and Sue. They were promptly slaughtered. It was a dark and stormy night..
They met a strange creature lurking in the dark. The creature kept whispering about some PRECIOUS ring.
The crew was terrified and wanted to get out of there quickly and go to some place warm and sunny instead. They decided on…
Hawaii. They had to decide on which award miles to use and came on the decision of using…
so it was time for gillian and maryanne’s honeymoon! they traveled to…
hawaii with the rest of the crew…. but they still didn’t know which award miles to use for flight and hotel..
They found a secret website that allowed them to use all programs.
They chose the Hawaiian Airlines miles they had obtained from the two credit card offers for that airline.
They had extra Hawaiian miles left over so they transfered them over at a 1:2 ratio to Hilton for their stay.
The professor had gold status with Hilton, so he made sure he made all the reservations.
and booked a stay on a secret volcanic island.
That is where they met Dr. Evil from Austin Powers the movie.
Dr. Evil was singing with mini me.
His singing wasn’t great
But being in a happy vacation state of mind, they simply ignored all evil.
but still sang the song “just the two of us”
After the singing they decided to hit the beach for some frisbee.
and played some volleyball
and did some cornholing.
they were covered in sand.
Then started on a sand castle project.
…. and did some more corning.
they built for hours.
until the waves came in and destroyed the sand castle
so they started over.
by now it was getting late and too dark.
…. they spotted a bonfire!
“another one?” they thought.
they started to dismantle that flux capacitor they found while making sand castles …
but had trouble doing so. So they googled the instructions online.
They by accident hit the wrong button on the flux capacitor before googling and went back into time to the
1930′s where___________
they ran into Michael J. Fox
and they asked Michael, do you have the DeLorean with you?
He replied “How do you know about the DeLorean?” and looked at the group suspiciously
Michael said “Of course. I am sitting it, which is why I was not injured by the collision with the time travelers who ran into me.”
So Michael dialed Geico, his time traveling auto insurance. While that was going on, the group wanted to grab something to change into so they fit more in with the group.
He accidentally grabbed a grenade. It exploded in his hand and he DIED. The end. Now our story is about the Geico Gecko. He is one cool gecko.
Gecko is cool indeed. However, the Gillians crew was walking through the 1930′s town. It was awesome just being able to experience it.
That is until they died from that grenade explosion. Gecko was walking down the road when he found a mysterious package. Inside the package was a
severed head…
God shouted that he will bring the Gillian’s crew back to life. All of them were revived.
The head was from a murder committed by Bonnie and Clyde. The severed head looked a lot like_________
looked like snookie, smelled like snookie.. it was snookie.
The Situation mourned for her loss.
She must have died, after drinking that laxative laced drink or could it have been__________
all those cheeseburgers she was eating.
Well let’s have some fries then.
Dont forget the milkshakes
and the napkins!
and the straws of course!
and the special sauce, which…
is made up of babies passed through a blender(with a dash of ooregano)!!
No wonder she died after eating dinner.
and the whole nation mourned her loss, but life goes on so her friends partied on with ____________
DOM P bubbling over in their glasses
And some La Tache!
your websites is definitely very this page detail is ok
The Situation got wasted and attempted to bag some 1930′s hotties.
and all manner of fancy cheeses and charcuterie.
They drank until the break of dawn.
Some of the group got alcohol poisoning.
and then drank some more.
Took a break then even more. Sue and mike even joined in the party.
and they took some jager bombs
and some tequilas for Mike.. jager are horrible.
and drank some cosmos.
and then they decided to fight, obv
Situation punched Mike, who in turn swung at him back wildly. He was terribly drunk and accidently hit Sue right in the face, who in turn was so drunk thought it was Sammy who hit her, so she tackled Sammy and beat her down.
There was mass confusion. Very briefly they all left to participate in another comment contest but when the entries crested 14,000 they knew the odds were better here
….a boomerang came from nowhere jacked Sue in the throat!
a gurgling sound was heard as she grabber her throat, and she
cried for help.
“please!! can anyone hear me?!” she gurgled.
But nobody could hear her.
Batman appeared from the shadows to retrieve his boomerang
But robin took it from him and ran off
This was a fatal mistake for Robin. Batman took his grappling gun and fired it through Robin’s head, walked over retrieved his boomerang and kicked Robin for good measure.
Then joker came and took the boomerang.
batman chased after bahim, screaming…
Wait, Don’t leave I just wanted to
make out.
Joker turned around and said “basame mucho”
batman leaned in and…
The butted headed. Awkward!
While that was happening, superman flew in and stole the boomerang!
screaming “a dingo stole your boomerand”!
Then the Flash stole it from superman!
Flash took off running but was tripped by Batman, who lost his leg.
Meanwhile, in Gotham City, church bells began to chime.
Not sure why, because nobody was getting married and it wasn’t a Sunday. It was that stupid Igor playing with the bell again!
batman immediately called austin powers.
Austin powers picks up the phone “hello… “
Groovy baby lets take it down a notch
“waht’s going on?”
Just as Sue’s super hero hallucinations began to fade, the situation kicked her in the groin
Then Sue grabbed the Situation by his hard crusty hair and uppercutted him.
The situation started to cry..
and he died of dehydration because he couldn’t stop crying.
luckily Dan came just in time and gave him a kiss. The Situation rose up… alive!
But breathing heavily, and still thirst.
So he grabbed some Makers Mark
but he didn’t like it, so he dropped the bottle and picked up a Johnny walker blue.
Then he changed his mind and handed the Johnny Walker to Sue instead.
but since Sue wanted to be nice, she shared it with everyone.
the Johnny Walker blue was actually poison. Everyone died except for Sue. She then laughed her evil laugh. Muahahahahaha!
Then someone came jump out of the ground, it was..
OBAMA!
actually it was obama girl!
Wearing a blue cape with stars on it (union made of course)
to save the world….
from gremlins that were attackign!
the supply of Busch Light!!
Obama decided he didn’t like Busch Light.
they received two missions!! save Busch Light and protect earth from the gremlins!
Because although Obama doesnt like Busch Light, Obama girls was commissioned by every other person on the planet (who all obviously love busch light)
So onward she went… to spread the love of Busch.
She started by shotgunning one.
Until a very lewd and unappealing Newt Gingrich kidnapped her and ravaged her inside his tinted pedo-van. She was released eventually, but inside her was growing an equally lewd Newt Junior.
Then an echo was heard…. Riiiiiii coooooo laaaaa!
And Newt exploded, like every villain herein
and then the hero of America, the defender of the constitution, the protector of liberty, the guardian of freedom, the obstetrician who delivered over 9 thousand babies, Congressman Doctor Ron Paul(and future President of America) arrived to save the day!!!!
And following in practice, started by chugging a Busch Light.
But Santorum said wait there Ron Paul that is my Busch Light
Ron threw a full can at Rick’s head, knocking him out cold. He then left on his mission to save the world.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the cat woke up to find the computer already on and the blogs buzzing about the most lucrative credit card offer yet…100 points per dollar for buying silly putty via Amazon. What to do with all that silly putty???
And so the worlds largest silly putty ball was created. They rolled it down the hills of San Fran killing a minimun of 5 people.
It rolled and rolled and rolled, taking out two trolley cars along the way!
the crash stopped the silly putty’s momentum.
Then a pornstar had a great idea. She will buy the putty, earn 100pts/$ and use them as implants.
out of nowhere, the cat reappeared.
Only to be crushed by a passing trolley car.
good thing the trolley car was made out of balloons. It didn’t kill the cat.
The cat scratched the balloons, then ate some of the pieces. He choked and died. A beautiful service was held attended by thousands, his ashes thrown off the Golden Gate bridge as he always wanted.
but the car was resurrected since this is supposed to be a G-rated story. In the distant future, all of Tom and Dan’s non G-rated lines were disqualified.
Back to the story. It was a dark and stormy night and Mike was crying.
He was holding a photograph in his hand.
…. Justin Beeeeber !!
lol… Justin wasn’t coming to NY for a show. Mike was crying from happiness.
because he’d scored tickets to the show in DC!
He couldn’t believe his luck! He ran to the store to get a new outfit that would impress his idol.
his outfit consist of…
He bought sparkly pants and matching lip gloss.
and for his feet, he bought.
Odor Eaters !
glass slippers.
now, mike was ready for the concert! he took a limo all the way down to DC. Met up with Tom. Tom was wearing the exact same outfit!!
So tom stepped into the nearest store, which was a Goodwill and bought_________
a red tong
as well as a red cape, so that they wouldn’t be completely matching.
as they walked into the concert with tom in his new outfit the people started to ___________
stare.
but they didn’t stare at Tom. They were staring at the hero of America, the defender of the constitution, the protector of liberty, the guardian of freedom, the obstetrician who delivered over 9 thousand babies, Republican Presidential Candidate(and future President of the United States of America)Congressman Doctor Ron Paul’s bulging underwear(because he is an incredibly gifted man as well as a good lover).
then turn their attention back to them as the concert was about to start.
But the music was awesome and inspiring. The only problem was that the intermission was way to short. And the the second half was worst than the first.
But they were selling Busch Light at the Venue, and there was a guest appearance by…
But the triple encore at the end brought aligned all the planets and brought total harmony to the world.
The End…. or…
ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!
Once upon a time…
once upon a time someone DIED.
Only that it wasn’t true, and the corpse was only a fake.
Once upon a time, there was a little lad named Frequent Miler.
He was very into flying (as the name suggests).
And a points addict on top of that.
So much so he chartered an A380…for himself
Of course, he only did so because he could earn miles with such a flight.
And all his little friends. Frequent Miler had one goal for this trip…to make his friends understand his points addiction.
He even setup a blog.
But not many people knew about it because it did not show up in google.
One day, he decided that this travel business was boring and started talking about his personal addiction to lava lamps.
So he went to Ikea to start on his collection
And then deiced to combine hobbies, A380 decked out with lava lamps for cabin lighting.
It was the ultimate combination.
The same A380 that was being prepped for the Monster of all MegaDos.
of course referring to the “non-allianced middle eastern based carriers MegaDo of 2012″!!!
So happy that TSA is keeping us safe by screening cupcakes, cookies and brownies!
I love to visit San Francisco.
It will be possible to Visit San Fran on the A380 decked out in lava lamps, thought frequent miler, as he continued living the story…
then he had a great idea about buying miles and selling for profit.. the ultimate earning opportunity!
S/he met a fellow MPer/FTer on the flight — in the next seat!
It was Mike!
The A380 also had another unique feature
Ejection seats. Bye Mike! (But for first time the fate did not involve explosions…)
Instead it involved a school of flying piranas who quickly chewed him down to a nice shinny skeleton.
Luckily mike had on a parachute and as a navy seal was able to easily use it to land safely on….
the A380!! Which was still below him, and needed the parachute itself since its wings were inevitably cracked…
Mike went into McGayver mode and fixed the wing using just Elmer’s glue and scotch tape.
“DANGIT” thought the worlds best airlines as they have been grounding their fleets. “Why weren’t we so smart?!”
so they all smarted using glue and tape.
and Sharpies
in every color imaginable, even the purple from the one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater, who now proceeded to help Frequent Miler fly to his dream vacation spot——–
He bought his tax free Sharpies on board with no foreign transaction fees and double points
but he forgot that a sharpie with double points, means ink smeared all over his hands, so he went to the lavatory, where he discovered that
hadn’t shaved in days.
He reached into his pocket. Produced an orange tinted medicine bottle with safety cap. They had replaced his beard pills with M&M’s, again.
He also discovered that Purple People earn double miles.
While also in the lav, he wondered what if…
A woodchuck would chuck wood. How many wood would a woodchuck chuck wood?
I took over the plane? Would i earn quadruple miles?
He was hungry for an apple.
He had too many things on his mind.
Like, what happened to the cat?
So, he settled in for his long flight to destination as yet unknown, by pulling out his Book.
But then he realized that he had forgotten to load any books.
so, he sent out an appeal to his blog’s loyal readers…….
He downloaded a book onto his device but it was a virus! All through his flight, it made a farting noise. He was totally….
enthralled with the sound and wished he could share it with his child who was home in Michigan with the flu, so then Frequent Miler got the brilliant idea to use his Nook as a
disgusted, but assumed that Mike is just a teenage, and so forgave him.
Flight attendant, who thought it was cute.
But the flight attendant wasn’t cute, so …
because he forgot to shave, he died right away.
Freq. miler stopped talking to her.
Someone behind him tapped his shoulders and said
A nice, juicy peach might have done him good.
She forgot to shave?! “Oh, no!” he said.
Then a bomb went off.
There was a small explosion in the tail section. Plane started to fall
and they all died.
But since the explosion was a terrorist attack on an El Al flight, it doesn’t affect this story.
It was time for a inflight meal. The menu consist of
SPAM
But now a new problem appeared. Frequent Miler still hadn’t decided where he wants to go on his vacation, so the pilot kept calling back to him. “Frequent Miler, where are we going?”
Frequent Miler thought deeply, consulted his Nook which had morphed into a super 4G Nook
and announced
“Let’s go to ……..
Seoul, Korea
I need a good Korean meal, and I heard there is a great noodle shop that specializes in
noodles.
no, no . . . let’s go somewhere warm!
fortunately a warm front had just passed thru Korea, so FM landed, hailed a taxi and declared – “please take me to the best noodle shop in Seoul.”
Unfortunately the taxi driver thought he said, please wash my hair with borox.
And so he kicked him out of the cab.
FM looked around bewildered, trying to figure out what had happened. Just at that moment a multi-lingual Korean businesswoman walked up and asked him if he needed help.
Then a attractive girl stopped in her ferrarri and said
“Can I give you a ride somewhere?
unfortunately she only spoke Korean, so FM turned to the multi-lingual business woman and asked, can you translate.
she responded, “Yes.
But you have to pay me in Delta Skymiles because I need to fly to Seattle as soon as possible.”
FM looked at his super Nook and was trying to figure out how to book her to Seattle with skymiles, when
The girl in the ferrarri grabbed him and pulled him in the car. “please help, Mr. Bond. They’re after me!”
he decided to go with her, as she was also attractive – and rich.
of course, FM now needed to learn Korean real quick, so he dug out his headphones and turned his super Nook into an instant Korean language course.
within 42 seconds, he was able to respond in fluent Korean:
James looked at his watch (which in reality was a gun) and replied, “At your service, my dear,” at which time he
Knew he wasnt Bond, but FM thought “oh wat the hell, I need some adventure”
Can you take me to the Yellow Sea? I need to charter a boat for a luxurious cruise to
… a deserted island where it is rumored that a flying Hyatt hotel landed and killed a cat.
Even if the cat wasn’t killed, the Hyatt will be there and we can . .
Sun bathe naked
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
said FM as he luxuriated on the beach. This is exactly what I needed.
Now, where is that sun screen as he looked up, only to discover that he was not alone on the beach.
In fact, standing above him was
the woman in all her naked glory. There was only one problem. The beautiful Korean woman was actually a man, as evidence of the obvious male genitalia. Our hero was so distraught that he took a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, blowing his brains out and died a quick death.
Then a crab walked onto the beach and..
And our hero woke up from his dream with a start to find himself in first class birth on a transcontinental flight to…
Maldive. He soon arrived and was greeted by…
.. a cat.
His name was Chester. He kept babbling about a white rabbit, queen of Hearts and some girl.
And then he dove down a hole in the ground. Our hero…
Got so curious that he jumped in.
Then, cursing Louis Carroll, he cried for help, as he got stuck in the hole. But there was only the cat …
The a boy named charlie came and told our hero that the oompa loompas are coming to get him free.
Cursing the boy named Charlie, for everyone knows all Charlies are liars, Bob decided “no more Chocolatinis and mushrooms for me!” and stepped out into the
open space only to find himself aboard a massive pirate ship. He was quickly subdued and brought to the captain of the vessel, the infamous Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl.
Jack said, “FM, where have you been? It’s been ages. Let’s have a drink. Do you know that we are cruising toward Miami right now? Figured you could use some more sun on that white body of yours.”
FM felt insulted and challanged him to a duel using toothpicks as weapon of choice.
Mint flavored toothpicks of course
With an olive pierced through as a hand guard. The fierce battle began.
Just then lunch arrived and the combatants stopped to enjoy their seven course meal featuring 3 kinds of fish, a humungous salad and an extraordinary chocolate cake to die for.
And Busch Light.
They were so full that they had to stop fighting. Just then a supersized octopus started attacking the ship.
it could smell the busch light…mmm
It went for the beer. But they were not going to let that happen. They drew their toothpicks and started to poke at it
especially in it’s eyes.
“YES, take that you greedy octopus” they yelled…
One of the crew member set it on fire and killed it. They didnt want it to go to waste so they made calamari.
So, then they decided to head to port and open a calamari restaurant, in an eight sided building with eight wings so that each patron could really feel they were inside a mammoth octopus while dining on exquisite calamari.
FM made sure they signed on with the dining program of every airline on the planet, including airlines that had never before given miles for dining.
So, the miles were flying in an e-squid-site fashion.
The business was booming. Until one day the mob tried to estort money from the business. FM didnt want to go down without a fight.
So he started bootlegging liquor as a side business.
And distributing fake handbags
the bootleg liquor was Busch light
and the fake handbags were Prada but spelled Pradda
Then it started to rain on his parade
he got busted of course, like they always do
but he was able to bribe himself out of it by giving away 5 Praddas, 10 cases of bootleg Busch and 5 dishes of calamaris.
and some Makers Mark too.
He decided to turn his life around.
and finally put a ring on her finger.
It took him days to find an online retailer who would accept the weird collection of gift cards he had accumulated, but finally he was able to purchase the ring.
Unfortunately she said “No, you’re already married”
He was so drunk, so often, he had forgotten about his wife!
and his child, shivering at home in Michigan while FM vacationed in warm climes, pursued by beautiful women – all in the name of miles and points and gift cards and….
what was it that he was looking for?
She made sure that she made her Kiva loans before going out!
they made kiva loans $100 a month.
lending to Phillipines, Tajikistan, Paraguay and everywhere that IDGflygirl had lent.
So lucky, I had to fly business class to Manila, Tajikstan and Paraguay to make my loans…
Meanwhile, little did he know, that back in Phoenix…
the sun was shining and a rainbow was forming, peeking through the clouds.
“Oh my god”, he thought…
And the God of His Choice appeared, and said “Yes?”.
“I forgot about the thing in Phoenix!”
And the God of His Choice went POOF! And now he could remember the thing in Phoenix.
I was supposed to stay at a Choice Hotel in Phoenix.
But which one? They have dozens.
Does anyone here know which Choice hotel I should stay at in Phoenix?
I guess it was nothing after all. Just a loving memory of lunch at the best Italian restaurant ever, Sabarro’s, in PHX during a layover many years ago.
So, does that mean I can go back to Kiva loans?
I haven’t made any loans to Burkina Faso yet.
Or maybe Colombia.
So many choices. I could use another one of those Kiva gift cards…………….
as FM was thinking, he saw a comet crash into the earth causing the ground to tremble. From the rubble emerged a large figure. It was Optimus Prime, come to save the world from the evil Megatron and his Decepticons.
Optimus Prime said,
“FM, I have created the ultimate credit card. Will you help me publicize it on your blog??
After a long contemplating pause, FM said:
Can this card be used in The Restaurant at the End of the Universe?
Of course; it’s the Ultimate Card and can be used anywhere.
Well, then sign me up.
I will promote this card to the farthest reaches of the universe and beyond……………….
however, i do want extra bonus since I’m basically a celeb.. what do you say?
nothing really
You are already so well known, why could you possibly care about more pub?
I mean look at all the dedicated, intelligent, informed followers here who have followed you all over the world (and beyond), just for the 1 in 1455 (and rising) chance to win a Nook.
Before FM could respond, the glass ceiling above shattered and a dark figure silently landed on the ground. It was none other than Batman, the Dark Knight!!
And his trusty , robin
A heart is not a plaything, a heart is not a toy….
Hope to win
Confised batman and robin started tap dancing
to the tune of ring around the rosy.
Yes, they had reverted to their childhood in hopes of re-capturing the innocent magic of their hearts
so, they sang and danced and invited everyone around to join them……….
Sammy davis jr. even joined!
before he could join, the concrete wall behind them burst open, and from the gaping hole, two bright blue eyes could be seen. Then, Tony Stark, aka the mighty Iron Man emerged!
He was startled with the new event.
vmkids3 at msn dot com
Yes he was!
Then the sound of sniper fire echoed across the land.
It was the delta force!
but why were they there?
They were there to battle the Cobras from GI Joe
COBRAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Said all the evil followers, as they charged against Delta Force, Batman, Robin, Iron Man and FM
Someone had clearly laced his OJ again.
Where was Superman, though?
Then they all dropped dead.
And Superman flew to the rescue!
superman was busy in bora bora using his points so super girl came!
then they died too.
But then mysteriously rose
and died again.
Then were all sucked into a black hole to forever banish any possibility of resurrecting.
But somehow still came back to life.
then went into another black hole.
The black hole had a hole that made them come full circle.
Which then, amazingly, collapsed into itself!
…And again…
and again…
then they died again
until there was nothing left at all.
the world was empty.
On the horizon a light shone faintly on a small plastic card.
Tom Stucker’s UA frequent flier card, it says …
“Let there be light” and the earth was created with everyone back. They were back to where they left off.
But then, the darkness lifted.
Meanwhile, in a distant universe, voices kept repeating, “For the love of God, is it finally noon on February 14 yet??”
then went away.
And when the light shone, fresh hot towels were ready and waiting along with hot nuts.
All was good in the world (of frequent flying) again.
but these nuts were laced with cocaine.
But if it were Tom’s card…. where was Tom?
they were laced with cocaine
with over 1 million points on it!
Tom’s dead too
No… no…. he can’t be. UA would never let that happen!
Tom was never dead.. he was onlly hiding
Someone yelled, “less than 23 hours to go!”
Thank goodness for that…. now, let’s get him to help resolve this mess and get us out of here.
But first a busch light
out of nowhere strolled in the cat.
and sipped on the can
“ahh, my old friend” said the cat. He got drunk really fast
We need to do an ID check on that cat.
Wait, what’s that around his neck? It’s a tube containing a map showing the way out of this parallel universe!
Since the cat has already been through 4 of his 9 lives, I’m sure he’s old enough to be legal.
Someone poured a tall glass of booze. Straight up, in a high ball glass.
The way out of the parallel universe began with…
the cat dying
and more drinking
more drinking from CO wine glasses which will soon be lifted before they become re-branded with UA labelling
Alcohol poisoning began to set in.
there was the smell of smoke in the air
puffs of smoke began to plume from the ground
in the 757 simulator in Dallas on the MegaDo
there was then a collective roll of the eyes about another DO reference.
Someone had tried to use the aircraft to write “milepoint” in the flight path, but had trouble dotting the “i”s.
They had problems maneuvering since they were in a DC-9.
until it became a continuous stream of smoke…
and a dripping trail of bourbon
then the plane stalled and crashed.
There was a huge fireball.
the cat gagged and slouched
The DO, of course! Now it all made sense. The last words before slipping into the parallel universe were “Do the Dew”. Mountain Dew’s plan to take over the universe with their sweet nectar was in full swing. I trembled as the chants from all the zombie like survivors continued. “Do the Dew!”. “Do the Dew”
Do the Dew! Do the Dew!.. suddenly they all choked on their own saliva and died.
And all was not well in the world again.
The NTSB arrived on the scene.
but nobody knew what NTSB was.
They didn’t? Were they previously living in a cave?
indeed they were..
They must have been in there a long time
a very very long time.
SO HERE THEY ARE TOGETHER, now what, should they tell each other?
Someone started screaming that an NTSB agent just ran over the surviving passengers. They were now all dead.
He who hesitates does not get the supersaver mileage rate.
Luckily, the TSA came to the rescue.
I flew last week and saw my house.
it was a big pink house
The TSA came to the resume and actually help by not becoming involved in anything.
instead they sat around and ate a sandwich made of
human flesh
… and racoon
It was delicious.
they put ketchup too
the human flesh was made out of soy! Soy human, yum.
There was a really nice char on the meat too; the jet fuel really did a nice job.
You can’t forget vegetables.
there were also tater tots.
Dessert was special.
….but too filling. Some people started to feel nauseous.
But kept eating. After desert it was post desert.
the dessert was very gelatinous.
Well…
Dogs say “He feeds me, he grooms me, he loves me – he must be God.”
Cats say “He feeds me, he grooms me, he loves me – I must be God.”
So the cat was really The God of His Choice, and he said “Enough of this violence and cannibalism.”
It turned out that Gary was especially delicious.
That was no surprise!
It was very tender.
Especially his legs
everyone was quite content
The end.
Thankfully the aircraft was insured fully so the airline could reap some monies to use for the families.
Forget about the plane, everyone was still commenting about how good Gary tasted.
Gary, on the other hand, was getting tired of everyone trying to lick him and bite him.
So, he decided to
give in and be devoured
But then everyone ate scott first as appetizer
which led to worldwide protest by the Vegan Action League, who started going door to door with carrot sticks and cherry tomatoes and placards proclaiming
“a carrot a day keeps the zombies away”
Actually, Gary enjoyed the licking part.
On the other side of the world …
Valentine’s Day had begun and people were setting up vigils so that they could be the first to hear who won the Nook
On the other side of the world….
Batman and Robin woke up, realized they had been dreaming for a very long time, and instead of trying to sort out what had all happened, IF if happened, decided to stay in and order a pizza, whilst watching “Smurfs” re-runs….
On this side of the world, the Nook reigns king.
On the other side of the world…
People were wondering what the heck this so-called book was really all about.
Now the world was spinning so darn fast that everyone was dizzy and someone tried to break into FM’s house and steal the Nook
Then they found this story and …
But he had activated the cat scan protective device and they couldn’t get in.
after finding this story the thieves realized their competition for the Nook was an armed and dangerous bunch of bloodthirsty assassins and they had better go home and redeem their library card.
This, however, left one devious soul who still was plotting to get his/her hands on the Nook before noon EST on Feb. 14.
and his name was…
At some point, wielding an editing pen, the true author steps in and…
flirts with FM
But FM wasn’t having anything to do with the flirtation so______
He set the timer on the bomb
He set it to 1,000,000,000 years.
while wondering what is wrong with his flirtation technique.
Came to realize that saying “how you doin?!” like Joey in Friends doesnt really work
Nor does the eyebrow rising trick as in Eugene in “Tangled”.
So he hired Hitch to up his game.
But flashing some frequent flier miles might help …
or the pickup line ” are you a parking ticket because you have fine, fine, fine, written all over you
but the bomb malfunction…
But the backup bomb initiated
and blew up…killing everyone.
leaving a new story to be started with only hours to go before the true ending of the greatest story ever told……………
And the new story goes like this, Once upon a time
in a distant galaxy, far, far away…
there was a woman who wanted to celebrate Christmas all year round
A big spaceship was …
her name was princess….
… but it had a breakdown around waypoint VVKOA …
and it was a dark and stormy night.
Too bad the tail fin wasn’t screwed on tightly enough …
But wait! Tail fins don’t matter in space, since there is no air there with which they can interact.
And luke skywalker was onboard
meanwhile, people thought Gary had been eaten earlier this afternoon.
and so was the cat.
both were tasty
they tasted just like the turkey dinner we eat at Christmas
like juicy dark meat
Would like to have a Diet Coke.
Maybe a pepsi
and makers mark
Straight off the bottle
no glass, no ice
Down the aisle came the trash cart …
full of used lottery tickets, including the one that actually contained the formula mathematicians had derived while contemplating the creation of the first Nook
..and they were able to use the soda as fuel on the spaceship.
But it was diet soda. Fuel last long
ah, aspartame is always good fuel.
Suddenly the ship was getting attacked by Klingons.
Big Helmet commanded the ship to go “LUDACRIS SPEED”
Luckily, the Cardassian Empire had enough trillions of intergalatcic points to fly their fleet over to save the Big Helmet’s crew.
especially when it is mixed with some contraband vodka from the small bottles smuggled on board.
specifically, Ketal One
then BIG HELMET commanded to go into chameleonism cloaking
Cloaking got them as far as 320 feet away before …
the shields went down and then they were vulnerable so then BIG HELMET said
use the power of the Shwartz!
The shields are down captain!
that’s why use the power of the Schwartz!!! Put the Schwartz ring on! (spaceballs the movie, for the people that doesn’t know!)
Never underestimate the power of Schwartz
The best airline meal in years!
shields, shields…what shields!?
“The shields for the space”– before he could finish his sentence, he died.
Then his body dissolved before my eyes.
I was left to wonder where did he go.
I would love to win this!
We will send you a copy when it is published
now back to the story.. the ship was going ludacris speed… it was going so fast that it past 100 light years.. and ended up at…
the third galaxy past heaven where it was found that________
it ran out of gas.
It floated and floated until…
It bumped into…
FM, who was rushing home from his vacation in the Bahamas so that he would be able to announce the winner at noon.
Their collision, however, bumped FM into
The Queen of England?
No silly, the Prince of Wales.
who, for some strange reason, was also transiting ATL airport and looking for a place to
So Prince Charles abruptly said…
Hey baby, you look groovy
FM winked back and said “yeah, baby!”
Thanks, that’s because I do Pilates.
prince charles said can u show me some of those Pilates moves?
then unfortunately another bomb went off
but prince charles and FM happened to go into the panic room where they were safe and they looked at each other and said
Blimey
And what do we do now?
Well, FM realized that he had less than two hours to get home and award the Nook, so he ran to his flight and just before he got to his gate he realized:
I’ve got wi-fi here. I don’t need to get home. I can have two more hours of adventure left………….
I think I will go and do some bungee jumping, He asked Prince Charles, Do you want to go too, to which Prince Charles replied__________
No
I think I will scuba dive instead.
So they poured a couple rounds of drinks and started to drink heavily.
And what happened next, was impossible to believe.
They all finally passed out!
They died from poisoning. MI5 was dispatched to look into the matter.
They quickly got the SIS quickly involved as well to look into the foreign component
What they found was shocking.
Even the boyscouts came.
But it was a false alarm
But it wasnt a false alarm. It was real. They all died.
in a very gruesome manner…
The alcohol was spiked with zombie blood, they would only be dead for a short period before returning as flesh eating monsters.
everyone was in shock.
It was a really, really crazy situation
the nation was in mourning
Because their beloved futbol team suffered a defeat.
no one could be consoled, it was just horrible, terrifying then out the blue came______
a bunch of nutcases scrounging for a Nook.
they were all trying their best to get their hands on one, they all started screaming at once___
Charles was the first to rise.
They screamed in unison PICK ME PICK Me to which a reply was heard
everyone cried.
Gadzooks! Who took my Nook with a hook while I was looking at a cookbook from Sooke?
and then died.
Only one can win! Zombie FM then declared the winner to be….
his wife!
Mike. The awesomist of awesomes.
Sike!
It was a double sike. So it was mike as the winner!
and the story was coming to close. But….
The real winner was………….
FM lost his watch and the contest continued another 5 hours
Still, there was one more thing to announce…
Fm loves mike
Noooooooo…..!!
Indeed, it’ll be nice to close this “story”.
And the cat said, “The End“.
But then Frequent Miler said, wait we need to announce the winner! And the winner is…
And the cat said, “Me?”
And Frequent Miler said “No, not you. What would you do with a Nook anyway?”
And the cat said “I would lay on it anytime you try to look at it.”
And Frequent Miler said “That’s probably true, but let’s get back to the real winner of this contest…”
And the cat said “I bet it was Gary”
And Frequent Miler said “How could it be Gary? He was eaten, remember?”
The true winner of the Write a Book, Win a Nook contest was Marilynn who, in entry 1540 said “He who hesitates does not get the supersaver mileage rate.”
Congratulations Marilynn!