—The T.S.A., it seems to me, has been making a genuine good-faith effort to balance the obvious requirements of security with the realization that the civilian public is not, per se, the enemy. Not so U.S. Customs and Border Protection, an agency that appears to be out of control. (Just ask any European business traveler who flies to the U.S. — or just look at the sharp downturn in overseas visitors to the U.S. in recent years.) And have a look at this one – and also this one – to see your an example of what appears to be invincible malfeasance at the border.

—Oh, and this oughta work out real well. Amtrak is rolling out “mobile security teams” equipped with bomb- sniffing dogs (and armed, my guess is, with Uzis, flamethrowers and chucka sticks) to “randomly pull people out of line” at train stations for the good old once-over and third degree.

No explanation of why Amtrak suddenly decided to send out the bulls, more than 7 years after 9/11. These will be Amtrak employees, incidentally. Sleep well tonight.

Here is an example from last June 20:

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From Phoenix News at 5

PHOENIX — A 65-year-old St. Louis man is missing after Amtrak personnel, mistaking his diabetic shock for drunk and disorderly behavior, kicked him off a train in the middle of a national forest, according to police in Williams, Ariz. … Police said there is no station or running water at the crossing, which is about 2 miles from the nearest road at an elevation of about 8,000 feet.

***

Anyway, the most feeble national rail system in the developed world says not to worry, the new in-house security measures will not cause the trains to run late. “This is not about delays,” an Amtrak spokesman told the Associated Press, in the non-sequitur of the day (so far). Hardy-har-har.

There’s a similar security program on the New York City subways, but it’s conducted by the New York Police Department, whose officers are highly trained, motivated, and generally aware that citizens are to be treated with civility unless they provide sufficient reason not to be. I’m not sure that’s in the Amtrak customer-service tradition.

By the way, the good old reliable AP failed to report when this new security program will start. (For some reason, some reporters increasingly overlook the “when” in the 5-W’s).

This week, on the Northeast corridor, is the answer.

Most security experts I know laugh at the idea of “bomb sniffing” dogs as an effective security tool for dealing with moving crowds. Stick a great big ham sandwich in a decoy bag, and that’s where the dog’s attention goes, they say.

Who can blame the dog? Better they should use “busy-body parrots” as security animals. I have two parrots, a big macaw and a little African gray. The little one is always ratting out the big one, and the big one screams bloody murder every time a jogger thumps down the street outside. And neither one can be distracted by a ham sandwich.

Meanwhile, consider the potential of the trained anti-terrorism wasp. USA Today actually did once.

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Not sure whether the verb “clipped” is adequate enough to describe how an airplane’s wing “became lodged” in the wing of another airplane, as this story on a taxiway accident at Washington Reagan says. At least they were on the ground in what is described here as “taxi mode.”

I’ve had some experience with the other “mode,” mid-air collision mode, so I have an idea of just how serious it can be when airplanes come into contact with one another. They aren’t made to do that.

I haven’t been keeping track, but it seems to me that runway incursions and airplane fender-benders on the ground are increasing.

Time to start paying closer attention.

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—Another reason to exercise caution in central Florida: Sheriff’s deputy dumps quadriplegic man out of his wheelchair, apparently just for the hell of it, after his arrest on a traffic violation.

—And here’s still another (and no, this isn’t a summary of a Reno 911 episode).

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—More speculation on the United-Continental merger that is expected to follow quickly once a Delta-Northwest merger agreement is announced. One bit of encouraging speculation on the UA-CO deal: Continental’s Larry Kellner, who succeeded Gordon Bethune as the head of the best-run domestic airline, would run the merged airline, says the Chicago Tribune.

—Given an executive branch accustomed to laughing at Congress while always getting its own way, I have my doubts about Congressional hurdles on the merger-dash track before the Bush gang leaves town in less than a year, but James L. Oberstar, chairman of the chairman of the House Committee on Transportation, weighs in on airline mergers nevertheless.

—Patrick Smith, the aviation online columnist, parrots the official industry line in Salon today: “The airline industry suffers chronically from oversupply — that is, too many seats chasing too few passengers …” That’s one rationale you’ll hear for mergers and consolidation: reducing the number of unsold seats.

(Nevertheless, Smith has some interesting insight on staffing, fleets and other merger matters).

One problem with the “too many seats … too few passengers” mantra: For over a year, domestic airlines have been reporting load factors around 80 percent (a load factor is a measure of the number of available seats sold).

Load factors in the 75-80 percent average range mean most flights are totally full — as anyone who’s been flying in the back of the plane is well aware. And so far, passenger demand has kept growing, despite the huge fare hikes airlines have been sneaking in on selected routes.

At the same time, the major airlines (Southwest excepted) have been steadily reducing the number of seats available on domestic routes. United, for example, cut its domestic capacity by over 10 percent in January, compared with January 2007.

And as to fares, how about $1,200 roundtrip for a coach seat, Newark-Toronto in a regional jet, which was what I was confronted with last weekend when I had to fly to Toronto this week on short notice? Not to worry, though, as my flight, and the one after that, were canceled by bad weather. Back in December, an earlier attempt to reach Toronto from Tucson failed when my flight into Houston arrived too late for me to make the connection.

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Cutting benefits is a perk! Yeah, that’s the ticket…

My jaw drops when I see an announcement like this from an airline, in this case US Airways this morning (italics mine):

“As part of out continuing efforts to provide valuable benefits to our frequent fliers, US Airways is making a change to our Dividend Miles program …”

Surely, you’d think, while this announcement is going to contain some jive, there must be some arguable small benefit for US Air’s most loyal (and profitable) customers hidden in the palaver. I mean, they say this is part of a continuing effort to provide valuable benefits.

Uh, nope.

Starting May 1, passengers who fly trips of under 500 miles no longer will get a 500-mile minimum credit, the announcement says. Instead, they’ll get credit for the actual number of miles flown. (Most major airlines credit a passengers with a minimum of 500 miles for any trip.)

If anyone has an explanation for this move — which seems certain to infuriate some of US Air’s most loyal customers, while providing very little benefit to the airline itself that’s evident to me — I’d love to hear it. Maybe I’m missing something.

Let’s say I’m a loyal flier on the US Air Shuttle between LaGuardia and Washington, a trip of about 200 miles. As of May 1, I will no longer get a 500-mile credit for each trip. Instead, I get credit for less than half that.

By the way, the current roundtrip US Air Shuttle fare between LGA and DCA is $679.

My response, if I’m that customer: Amtrak here I come. I-95 here I come.

As part of its “continuing efforts to provide valuable benefits to our frequent fliers,” US Air also is slapping a $50 per ticket “quick ticketing fee” on award travel booked online within 14 days of departure.

I just don’t get it. Why do airlines persist in putting out public announcements that are couched in language that is an obvious attempt at deceit — on the level of a prevaricating seven-year-old child? Do they really think we can’t see this baloney for what it is?

Earlier this month, United Airlines pulled a similar stunt. United blithely sent out an announcement that passengers buying nonrefundable tickets (read: most of us who aren’t traveling at the last minute) would have to pay $25 for a second checked bag. (Which used to be free).

United began the announcement of the new fee with these words:

“As part of its continuing effort to offer customers choice, flexibility and low fares, United is announcing a new, simplified checked bag policy …”

Now, compounding the idiocy was the fact that most of us don’t routinely check bags anyway, and very few frequent travelers check a second bag except on very rare occasions.

If United had simply said, in effect, “Fuel costs are soaring; the weight of those extra 50-pound bags that each member of the Clampett Family insists on dragging along affects our costs, and we reluctantly need to charge a fee for that extra bag in order to keep fare hikes under control …” — well, most of us might have seen the point even if we didn’t like it.

Insulting your passengers’ intelligence is unwise.

But wait till the merger (s). You’ll be reading more about the “benefits” coming your way.

P.S.: Here are two sample comments about the US Air move this morning on Flyertalk.com:

“I just called UAMP about this since I fly the shuttle twice a week and they indicated that if booking as a United codeshare you would still get 500 minimum. The trick is not to book as true US in which case you’d get actual flight miles flown.”

***

“So fuel is only expensive on flights of less than 500 miles? ”

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Above: What better way to follow Northwest’s 2006 money-saving tips than acquiring this smart used dump truck, which can provide family transportation (plenty of room in the back, kids!) and also haul home those necessities you manage to score at the town dump. The dump truck is being auctioned by the city of Bryan, Tex., with the current high bid at $3,050.

As the Northwest CEO assures employees that there is nothing to worry about (see post below), I was reminded of the infamous Dumpster Diving incident of 2006, when Northwest sent to employees about to be laid off a booklet suggesting “101 Ways to Save Money.” I wrote about it at the time.

Here’s a link to the booklet on TheSmokingGun.com

Among the tips Northwest offered to the soon-to-be-sacked:

—Do your own nails

—Rent out a room or garage

—Buy spare parts for your car at the junkyard

—Quit smoking

—Take a shorter shower

—Go to a matinee instead of an evening show

—Share housing with a friend or family member

—Don’t be shy about pulling something you like out of the trash

—Move to a less expensive place to live

—Borrow a dress for the big night out

—Cut your cable television down to basic

—Buy pre-owned toys and children’s books at garage sales

—But software at computer fairs

—Search the Internet for freebies

And my personal favorite, which turns out to have been such good advice for those about to be reduced to marginal incomes in mid-2006:

—Refinance your mortgage

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Just for the record: We’ll have to get back to you on that one, probably after you get your multi-million-dollar buyout, Skippy:

From today’s Detroit News:

Merger may aid airline workers

Northwest CEO vows that any deal to join with Delta will be in employees’ best interest.

Nathan Hurst / The Detroit News

Amid speculation that Northwest Airlines Corp. is close to reaching a merger deal with Delta Air Lines Inc., Northwest CEO Doug Steenland told employees this week that his airline’s board will make sure any transaction is in the workers’ best interest.

“I, the management team and the board of directors will not move forward with a transaction that does not benefit all of our key stakeholders: our employees, our customers, our shareholders and the communities we serve,” Steenland said Monday in a recorded message on Northwest’s employee hotline. “Any merger would have to put our airline in a safe harbor and offer long-term stability and job security for our front-line employees.” …

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The official line coming out of Delta Air Lines is that worries about deep cutbacks and consolidation in the imminent merger with Northwest Airlines are overblown, that the route structures will compliment each other and that more cities will have better air service.

Put me down as skeptical on that. But with all indications being that Delta’s corporate culture will predominate in a merged giant airline, not Northwest’s, at least we can expect a change of tone, in time. Northwest’s work force in my opinion is the most demoralized in the industry, and that’s saying something.

Delta recently had 50,000 people apply for 1,000 openings for flight attendants.

Delta has been sharply beefing up its international routes in recent years, especially eastward. Northwest, of course, is a major presence on trans-Pacific routes. A major priority in a merged airline will be to stimulate feeder traffic into domestic international hubs.

IS there any good news for languishing mid-sized and smaller cities currently seeing a sharp decline in air service? Not much, if they can’t come up with international connecting traffic to feed the beast.

Mike Boyd has some thoughts on the prospects for medium and small city air traffic in his essay this week at the Boyd Group.

Meanwhile, the next shoe to drop is a likely United-Continental merger. Oh great. There goes the remaining value of my Continental elite status and miles.

Meanwhile, I’m off for an overnighter in Toronto. In an RJ. And it’s about to snow. Shoot me now.

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—[News notes, Inside Baseball Dept., No. 1:] BULLETIN: Journos Upset When Billionaire Owner Utters a Curse Word!

I despair at the pursed-lip scolds who now dominate journalism. And I understand Sam Zell for whom six billion dollars is truly f-you money. Under the same circumstances, I might have muttered the same thing after that photographer — photographer! — asked a snotty question and then theatrically turned her back on him at a staff meeting at the Orlando Sentinel — a newspaper that has seemed in recent years to be determined to put into a coma the half of central Florida that isn’t already in one. The photographer now denies intending to turn her back as a gesture of contempt, but some people saw it differently. Meanwhile, the pursed-lip scolds won’t just let it be. Imaging, cursing during a newspaper meeting! Miss Grundy, bring the salts!

Surely, a harrumphing Public Editor is settling down on the landscape somewhere in a big hot-air balloon. Ah, yes.

***

—[News notes, Inside Baseball Dept., No. 2]. I’d hire this kid. The news business used to be full of pains in the ass like him, and it needs new ones desperately.

***

—Excited Drudge headline of the day: “Chertoff Worries About ‘Earth-Shattering’ Events” … Don’t we all, dude, don’t we all.

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The Olympics hype is starting, a long time before the first sprinter drops dead of pollution in Beijing. Some updates:

Photos from top:

1. Britain’s Olympic fox-hunting team is in for a challenge as the foxes finally figure out the deal.

2. Britain’s team giving the Nazi salute at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. See this actual story from today about how the current UK Olympics team will be required to sign statements promising they won’t criticize China at the summer games.

3. What a great horse can do.

4-5. The U.S. Olympics shooting team in intensive practice.

6-7. Me, at the Great Wall of China, failing to qualify for the Olympics equestrian team despite that elegant levade.

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