Joe Sharkey At Large

I’m very sorry to hear that Conde Nast’s Portfolio magazine has folded after two years. I could never understand the animosity directed at that magazine by some members of the media. I thought the editor, Joanne Lipman, pulled off a miracle getting Portfolio up and running.

I did a couple of business-travel pieces for Portfolio.com, and they were a class operation to work for.

I’ll miss Joe Brancatelli’s smart business-travel column, Seat 2B. Ultimately, it was not to be, I am sad to say. (Sorry Joe).

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Rather than relying on some newspaper to paraphrase press releases (“Cover your mouth when coughing,” that shiny newspaper they hand out free at hotels advises today, like somebody’s mom), I’m going to post updates on what I regard as useful information, because I’m starting to see signs of that old devil media panic.

Do note that when traveling in some international airports, passengers are subject to temperature scans (typically, you walk through a thermal machine) that may cause delays.

Also, in Mexico, the police, evidently having been temporarily pulled off duty acting as bodyguards for drug lords, are supposedly monitoring passengers for signs of illness. Make of that what you will.

Here’s the late morning CDC update:

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Travel Health Warning
Travel Warning: Swine Influenza and Severe Cases of Respiratory Illness in Mexico — Avoid Nonessential Travel to Mexico
This information is current as of today, April 28, 2009 at 11:43 EDT

Updated: April 27, 2009
Current Situation

As of April 27, 2009, the Government of Mexico has reported 18 laboratory confirmed human cases of swine influenza A/H1N1 infection. Investigation is continuing to clarify the spread and severity of the disease in Mexico. Suspect clinical cases have been reported in 19 of the country’s 32 states. The World Health Organization (WHO), the Global Alert and Response Network (GOARN), and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have sent experts to Mexico to work with health authorities. CDC has confirmed that seven of 14 respiratory specimens sent to CDC by the Mexican National Influenza Center are positive for swine influenza virus and are similar to the swine influenza viruses recently identified in the United States.

On April 25, the WHO Director-General declared this event a Public Health Emergency of International Concern under the rules of the International Health Regulations. CDC and state public and animal health authorities are currently investigating 20 cases of swine flu in humans in California, Texas, Kansas, Ohio, and New York City. Some of the U.S. cases have been linked to travel to Mexico. At this time, only two of the 20 cases in the U.S. have been hospitalized and all have recovered, but deaths are reported to have occurred in Mexico. CDC is concerned that continued travel by U.S. travelers to Mexico presents a serious risk for further outbreaks of swine flu in the United States.
CDC Recommendations

At this time, CDC recommends that U.S. travelers avoid all nonessential travel to Mexico. Changes to this recommendation will be posted at http://wwwn.cdc.gov/travel/.

Please check this site frequently for updates.
If you must travel to an area that has reported cases of swine flu:
Stay Informed

* Check updates from the:
o Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,
o Secretaria de Salud,
o World Health Organization
* Monitor announcements from Mexico’s Ministry of Health and local government including information about affected areas, as not all areas are equally affected.
* Follow local public health guidelines, including any movement restrictions and prevention recommendations.
* Be aware that Mexico is checking all exiting airline passengers for signs of swine flu. Exit screening may cause significant delays at airports.

Prepare for your trip before you leave

Antiviral Medications: Travelers from the United States going to Mexico who are at high risk of severe illness from influenza (for example persons with chronic conditions such as diabetes, lung disease, heart disease, and the elderly, see www.cdc.gov/flu/professionals/acip/index.htm) are recommended to take antiviral medications for prevention of swine influenza during travel. The recommended antiviral drugs for swine influenza are oseltamivir (brand name Tamiflu®) and zanamivir (brand name Relenza®). Both are prescription drugs that fight against swine flu by keeping flu viruses from reproducing in the body. These drugs can prevent infection if taken as a preventative. Talk to your doctor about correct indications for using influenza antiviral medications. Always seek medical care if you are severely ill.

Antiviral chemoprophylaxis, or taking medicine to prevent flu viruses from reproducing in the body, (pre-exposure or post-exposure) is recommended for the following people:

* Household close contacts who are at high risk for complications of influenza (for example, persons with certain chronic medical conditions and the elderly) of a confirmed or suspected case.
* School-aged children who are at high risk for complications of influenza (for example, persons with certain chronic medical conditions) who had close contact (face-to-face) with a confirmed or suspected case.
* Travelers to Mexico who are at high risk for complications of influenza (for example, persons with certain chronic medical conditions and the elderly).
* Border workers (Mexico) who are at high risk for complications of influenza (for example, persons with certain chronic medical conditions and the elderly).
* Health care workers or public health workers who had unprotected close contact with an ill confirmed case of swine influenza A (H1N1) virus infection during the ill person’s infectious period.

Antiviral chemoprophylaxis can be considered for the following:

* Any health care worker who is at high risk for complications of influenza (for example, persons with certain chronic medical conditions and the elderly) who is working in an area with confirmed swine influenza A (H1N1) cases, and who is caring for patients with any acute febrile respiratory illness.
* Persons who are not at high risk but who are travelers to Mexico or first responders or border workers who are working in areas with confirmed cases of swine influenza A (H1N1) virus infection.

Further information about CDC’s recommendations for antiviral use during the swine flu outbreak can be found at the following websites:

* Healthcare professionals
o http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/recommendations.htm
* General public
o http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/antiviral_swine.htm

For all travelers, CDC recommends the following steps to help you stay healthy:

* Be sure you are up-to-date with all your routine vaccinations, including a seasonal influenza vaccine. The seasonal vaccine is not expected to offer protection against swine flu viruses, but it can protect against seasonal influenza viruses which may still be circulating in Mexico and the Southern Hemisphere.
* Pack a travel health kit that contains basic first aid and medical supplies. See Pack Smart in Your Survival Guide to Safe and Healthy Travel for a list of what to include in your travel health kit.
* Identify the health-care resources in the area(s) you will be visiting.
* Check if your health insurance plan will cover you abroad. Consider purchasing additional insurance that covers medical evacuation in case you become sick. For more information, see Medical Information for Americans Traveling Abroad from the U.S. Department of State.
* Remember that U.S. embassies, consulates and military facilities do not have the legal authority, capability, and resources to evacuate or to give medications, vaccines or medical care to private U.S. citizens overseas.

During your visit to an area affected by swine flu
Monitor the local situation

* Pay attention to announcements from the local government
* Follow local public health guidelines, including any movement restrictions and prevention recommendations

Practice healthy habits to help stop the spread of swine flu

* Wash your hands often with soap and water. This removes germs from your skin and helps prevent diseases from spreading.
o Use waterless alcohol-based hand gels (containing at least 60% alcohol) when soap is not available and hands are not visibly dirty.
* Cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze and put your used tissue in a wastebasket.
* If you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your upper sleeve, not your hands.
* Wash your hands after coughing or sneezing, using soap and water or an alcohol-based hand cleaner (with at least 60% alcohol) when soap and water are not available.
* Avoid touching your eyes, nose, or mouth. Germs spread that way.
* Try to avoid close contact with sick people. (Influenza is thought to spread mainly person-to-person through coughing or sneezing of infected people.)
* It is important to follow the advice of local health and government authorities. You may be asked to restrict your movement and stay in your home to contain the spread of swine flu.

Seek medical care if you feel sick

* If you are ill with fever and other symptoms of swine flu such as cough and sore throat, see a doctor, especially if you think you may have had contact with someone with swine flu or severe respiratory illness in the past 7 days before becoming ill.
* If you need to find local medical care, a U.S. consular officer can help you locate medical services and will inform your family or friends in the United States of your illness. To contact the U.S. Embassy or consulate in the country where you are visiting, call the Overseas Citizens Services at:
o 1-888-407-4747 if calling from the U.S. or Canada,
o 00 1 202-501-4444 if calling from overseas, or
o Find your local US Embassy at Websites of U.S. Embassies, Consulates, and Diplomatic Missions.
* Do not travel while you are sick, except to get local medical care.
* Try to limit contact with others as much as possible. By limiting your contact with other people, you can help prevent the spread of swine flu.
* For more information about what to do if you become sick while you are traveling outside the United States, visit Your Survival Guide for Safe and Healthy Travel.

After your return from an area that has reported cases of swine flu:

* Closely monitor your health for 7 days.
* If you become ill with fever and other symptoms of swine flu like cough and sore throat and possibly vomiting and diarrhea during this period, call your doctor or clinic for an appointment right away. Your doctor may test you for influenza and decide whether influenza antiviral treatment is indicated.
* When you make the appointment, tell the doctor the following:
o Your symptoms,
o Where you traveled, and
o If you have had close contact with a person infected with swine flu.
* Avoid leaving your home while sick except to get local medical care, or as instructed by your doctor. Do not go to work or school while you are ill. If you must leave your home (for example, to seek medical care) wear a surgical mask to keep from spreading your illness to others.
* Always cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw away used tissues in a trash can.
* Wash your hands with soap and water often and especially after you cough or sneeze. If soap and water are not available, use an alcohol-based hand gel containing at least 60% alcohol.
* Avoid close contact with other people as much as possible
* Wear a surgical mask if you are in contact with other people

Status of Entry and Exit Screening in the United States and Mexico
Mexico Exit Screening

Swine flu screening has been instituted at airports and land borders for travelers departing Mexico, according to Mexican health authorities. Passengers showing symptoms of swine influenza will be asked to submit voluntarily to physical examination and further evaluation, if needed.
United States

At this time, the United States is not conducting enhanced entry screening of passengers arriving from Mexico, nor is the United States conducting exit screening of passengers departing for Mexico.

The Department of Homeland Security will provide Travel Health Alert Notices to US travelers going to and coming from Mexico at all airports, seaports, and land border crossings. These notices provide advice to travelers on how to reduce their risk of getting sick, the symptoms of swine flu, and what to do if the traveler becomes sick.

CDC will provide all ill passengers and their contacts arriving from Mexico with Travel Health Alert Notices. These notices provide advice information regarding seeking health advice from a physician and how to prevent illness in persons who have been exposed but who are not ill.
Additional Information

If you have specific questions about the swine influenza cases see http://www.cdc.gov/contact/ or call 1-800-232-4636, which is 1-800-CDC-INFO.

To learn more about travel health, visit www.cdc.gov/travel.

For the swine Influenza situation in Mexico, visit:

* Secretaria de Salud: Secretary of Health, Mexico [Web page in Spanish]
* World Health Organization: Influenza-Like Illness in the United States and Mexico
* Pan American Health Organization

For the swine Influenza situation in the United States, visit:

* For information on antivirals
o http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/recommendations.htm (for healthcare professionals)
o http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/antiviral_swine.htm (for the public)
* For information on swine flu in the United States, visit www.cdc.gov/flu/swine

Swine flu travel health updates will be posted on http://wwwn.cdc.gov/travel/ as information becomes available.

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Swine influenza

Current WHO phase of pandemic alert

International Health Regulations (IHR)

The Committee considered available data on confirmed outbreaks of A/H1N1 swine influenza in the United States of America, Mexico, and Canada. The Committee also considered reports of possible spread to additional countries.

On the advice of the Committee:

* The Director-General has raised the level of influenza pandemic alert from the current phase 3 to phase 4.

The change to a higher phase of pandemic alert indicates that the likelihood of a pandemic has increased, but not that a pandemic is inevitable.

As further information becomes available, WHO may decide to either revert to phase 3 or raise the level of alert to another phase.

This decision was based primarily on epidemiological data demonstrating human-to-human transmission and the ability of the virus to cause community-level outbreaks.

* Given the widespread presence of the virus … containment of the outbreak is not feasible. The current focus should be on mitigation measures.

* The Director-General recommended not to close borders and not to restrict international travel. It was considered prudent for people who are ill to delay international travel and for people developing symptoms following international travel to seek medical attention.

* … production of seasonal influenza vaccine should continue at this time, subject to re-evaluation as the situation evolves. WHO will facilitate the process needed to develop a vaccine effective against A(H1N1) virus.

Some employees of the Defense Department and the White House, not to mention that bastion of incompetence the FAA, decided it would be a swell idea to send a 747 airliner, one of the planes used as Air Force One, screaming low over Manhattan today, escorted by a military plane taking pictures.

Evidently, this was a stunt  by the United States Air Force, the branch of the defense department most desperate to justify its bidget.

Here’s a link with a photo of the stunt today. Above, of course, is what a great many New Yorkers remember seeing one morning eight years ago.

Today’s incomprehensible stunt was described as a “photo op.” A secret “photo op.” Surprise, horrified New Yorkers and those looking on from across the river in Jersey! Up there in the sky, that great big airplane swooping low over the skyline? It was just a photo op! A publicity stunt! Whatsa matter witcha? Get over it! Chill!

The stunt was so secret that the mayor of New York wasn’t told, let alone the citizens of the city.

It just boggles the mind that anyone, let alone a group of people, thought this would be a good idea. Did none of the idiots behind this stunt even consider the fact that literally hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers personally witnessed the 9/11 attacks, and will live for the rest of their lives with the horrifying images of 9/11 in their heads?

And please remember, these were not images they saw on some television screen. These were images they saw in the skies over Manhattan with their own two eyes. They saw airliners swoop low over the city and crash into the two tallest buildings in New York. They saw and heard and in many cases felt those skyscrapers burn and tumble while thousands died.

My next-door-neighbor, who worked in the World Trade Center, was working out on the morning of 9/11 in the glass-rooftop gym at the Marriott Hotel situated between the two World Trade Center towers when the first plane hit. The Marriott collapsed along with the towers. He staggered home that night bloodied, covered in soot and dirt, his clothes ripped, his eyes hollow, to a wife and a child who thought he had died. Somehow, he got out. He has no idea how he made it home. He recalls only the strange, eerie image of an airplane swooping low, low over Manhattan — and he’ll take that image to his grave.

I was in a plane crash once, two and a half years ago, and walked away from it while 154 others did not. I still wake up many mornings with a terrible image in my head. It will never disappear.

And some people in the federal government thought it was OK to pull this stunt over New York, without letting New Yorkers know in advance that it was just that, a stunt?

I cannot get my jaw to un-drop over the invincible stupidity of this. Apologies are utterly insufficient. The people responsible for this must named, shamed and fired. Publicly fired. Slapped with a white glove. Drummed out of government employment, forever. In Times Square. High noon. Tomorrow.

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That old devil paraphrase is back in the news today with alarming reports (alarming to U.S. airlines, I assure you) that Europeans are being “urged” not to travel to the United States unless it’s absolutely essential because of concerns about swine flu in Mexico that has evidently spread to about 20 people in the U.S.

“Urged” under what circumstances and by whom, I wonder? It is not at all clear from what I’ve read so far. It’s pretty difficult to track down the actual “urging.” Actually, the basis of the report seems to be a comment, rather than an official announcement, made by a European Union health commissioner.

Earlier today, there was a big scary red headline on the Huffington Post : “Europe Warned: Postpone U.S. Travel.” The story seems a bit muddled about the precise nature of this warning, however. [The big scary red headline has since been downgraded. Meanwhile, I haven't checked to see how badly that simpleton Drudge is hyperventilating, life being just too damn short.]

The origin of the “warning” seems to be this, as it appeared in the London Independent and other British papers today:

“Britons were urged to postpone non-essential travel to the United States or Mexico today as senior officials held emergency talks over the deadly outbreak of swine flu.

The European Union’s health commissioner Andorra Vassiliou met EU foreign ministers on the subject and advised people to reassess their travel plans.

‘They should avoid travelling to Mexico or the United States of America unless it is very urgent for them,’ she said.”

Again, it’s not clear under what circumstances this saying got “said.” My hunch is that it was a comment made off-handedly in response to press clamor, and not a statement of an official position.

In fact, the reporter for the French news agency Agence France-Presse seems to have heard a different comment from Vassiliou, whom it quotes as saying, “Personally, I would try to avoid non-essential travel to the areas which are reported to be in the center of the cluster.”

Personally, I would ease up on the panic button, Mr. Vassiliou [the London paper evidently got his gender wrong and who knows what else), till I had more information. And if I were an editor, I would insist that these half-baked stories contain actual quotes and get themselves sourced credibly.

The Wall Street Journal online today clears some of the confusion up, thankfully. Evidently, this Vassiliou has been prattling on all day, and then modifying his comments as he caught hell for them.

Reports the WSJ: “But Mr. Vassiliou toned down earlier comments referring to all of North America. `I meant a travel advisory, not a travel ban, for travel to Mexico City and those states in the United States where we have outbreaks’ of swine flu, he said.”

The European Union officially advising against travel to the U.S. would be a very big story. As the Journal makes clear, it just isn’t so, not yet.

On the other hand, U.S. airlines that bet so heavily on international routes in recent years have to be sweating this one out. There are few better ways to spread a virus than in the confined space of a crowded airplane on a long flight.

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The swine flu outbreak has evidently spread from Mexico, where more than 80 deaths have now been attributed to a severe respiratory illness, to the United States, where at least 20 people are known to have contacted swine flu. The United States declared a public health emergency today.

As if Mexico hasn’t had enough problems with travel.

[UPDATE: This is now starting to sound potentially dire for world travel. Look at this link to an AP story, via Yahoo, which mentions (alas, without any elaboration) that some countries are considering issuing travel warnings for the United States and Mexico. If this gains any traction, it will be disastrous news for airlines already staggering under the sharp drop-off in international travel that clobbered them during the first quarter.)

(By the way, don't go to the Aeromexico Web site for any unpleasant news. Not a word about this as of late afternoon Sunday. Nada.) U.S. airlines, on the other hand, are prominently advising Mexico bound passengers that they can change plans without penalty. Here's the American Airline advisory, for example.

The American Airlines policy, by the way, allows someone who cancels a Mexico trip to reuse the ticket without penalty to anywhere for the length of the validity of the ticket (a year after purchase for most nonrefundable seats.)

But have a look at the cheesy US Airways policy:

It reads: "US Airways has relaxed ticketing policies for travel to Mexico City due to an influenza outbreak. US Airways will waive the standard change fee, advance reservation and ticketing requirements for customers with travel to, from or through Mexico City on the dates above ..." [note: through April 30]

” * You can move your entire itinerary up to seven days before or after the scheduled origination date.
* You can apply the full value of your wholly unused tickets toward the purchase of a ticket to an alternate destination, although travel must originate within seven days of the scheduled origination date.

What sports, huh? Even assuming you don’t want to go to Mexico during a swine flu epidemic, you have to use the ticket within SEVEN DAYS!

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Here’s the latest report on the situation from the Huffington Post, which appears to have lifted the story entirely from the AP.

Here’s a link to the much more comprehensive New York Times story.

And here is an advisory from earlier today from the global crisis-response company International SOS. Note that the ISOS numbers of those affected are now out of date.

” … public health authorities are investigating two unusual occurrences – the appearance of a new swine flu that has infected at least 7 people in the U.S., and 20 deaths in Mexico from a severe respiratory illness that appears to be spreading. At this stage there is no [known] evidence to link the two, and the illnesses do not appear to have extended beyond the regions discussed below.

Over one hundred and thirty cases of a severe respiratory illness have been detected in south and central Mexico, of which at least some are due to influenza. It is unclear at this stage the cause of the other cases, and whether all are in fact due to the same infection.

Public health officials in Mexico began actively looking for cases of respiratory illness upon noticing that the seasonal peak of influenza extended into April, when cases usually decline in number.

They found two outbreaks of illness – one centered around Distrito Federal (Mexico City), involving about 120 cases with 13 deaths. The other is in San Luis Potosi, with 14 cases and 4 deaths. A death in Oaxaca, in the south, and 2 in Baja California Norte, were also detected.

The majority of cases are occurring in adults, between 25 and 44 years of age. Some have occurred in health care workers. Symptoms are initially like flu, with fever, cough, headache and muscle pains. Severe cases progressed rapidly within 5 days.

In response, health officials have temporarily suspended classes for schools and universities in Mexico City and nearby locations.

Investigations are ongoing, and samples have been sent to Canada for further testing. Influenza virus was detected in at least four of the fatal cases.

Swine flu in California and Texas

The U.S. Centers for Disease Prevention and Control initially reported two confirmed cases of a swine influenza in two children in California. Since then, three others in California and two others in Texas have been found with the same illness. All have fully recovered, and one case required management in hospital. All other cases were mild. None had contact with pigs, and it is likely that there is spread from human to human.

The first two cases detected were a 10-year-old boy and a 9-year-old girl, who did not have contact with each other. They live in two adjacent counties in California, and both have recovered. Neither child had exceptional symptoms or severe illness. Authorities discovered that they had swine flu as part of routine testing performed on people with flu-like symptoms – they were not singled out for testing based on their symptoms.

The boy, from San Diego county, fell ill with a fever, cough and vomiting on March 30. He recovered completely within a week. His mother and brother had flu-like illnesses before he became ill, but they weren’t tested at the time.

The 9-year-old girl is from Imperial County and had visited a fair where pigs were on display a few weeks before getting sick. She developed a cough and fever on March 28, and has recovered fully. Both her brother and cousin suffered similar symptoms but were not tested for flu.

Authorities are tracking people with whom the children had contact. This effort is ongoing and extends into Texas, as the boy traveled to that state on April 3. Two teenagers who attended the same school in San Antonio have been detected with the unusual flu strain, as well as a father and daughter in California.

Public health officials are investigating whether the illness is more widespread, and how it may have arisen. They have advised residents of Texas and California to take everyday precautions to prevent illness, and if they have flu-like symptoms to contact their health care providers.

The virus found is a new strain of swine flu H1N1 which is resistant to the older antiviral medications amantadine and rimantidine. The virus is sensitive to the newer antiviral medications oseltamivir and zanamivir. It is unknown if the seasonal influenza vaccination provides any protection against this swine flu.

ADVICE TO CLIENTS AND TRAVEL ADVISORY

In both situations there is currently limited information, and no definite link between the two. The illnesses do not appear to have extended beyond the areas mentioned above.

Health authorities have not determined whether or not the swine flu has “pandemic potential” and a definitive cause for the respiratory illnesses in Mexico has not yet been found. Investigations are ongoing. For the latest information see the medical alerts on International SOS Country Guides:

USA Swine Flu
Mexico Severe Respiratory Illness

Travel to the United States and Mexico can proceed. People who have not had an annual flu vaccination should consider having one to prevent regular seasonal flu.

In addition, to prevent respiratory infections, including flu and prevent spreading illness:

* Maintain good personal hygiene. Wash your hands frequently and avoid touching your face.
* Cover coughs and sneezes with a mask or a tissue.
* Avoid obviously sick people
* Stay at home if you are unwell, and seek medical attention if you develop flu-like symptoms
* Parents should take their young children with fever or influenza-like symptoms for prompt medical attention.”

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By the way:

Here’s a useful Q&A from the World Health Organization on swine flu.

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And remember Texas Governor Rick Perry, making all that silly noise recently about Texas maybe seceding from the United States because some people were upset about taxes or something?

Comes trouble, and Perry is first in line to demand extra federal assistance.

On Saturday, Perry asked the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention for 37,430 doses of antiviral medicine from the Strategic National Stockpile after the three cases of swine flu turned up in high school students in Guadalupe County.

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Meanwhile, the Air Transport Association says that U.S. airlines are monitoring the situation in Mexico. “We are in communication with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and look to their public health experts for recommendations on whether any additional measures are needed to prevent spread of the disease by air travel. In the meantime, ATA member airlines will continue to comply with long-standing requirements to report any case of communicable disease on board aircraft flying to or within the United States.

“At this time CDC is not advising U.S. citizens postpone or forgo travel to Mexico, although we understand that they will be issuing an ‘outbreak notice’ to inform travelers and provide reminders about standard and enhanced recommendations for the region.”

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Incidentally, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control advisory on the situation hasn’t been updated since yesterday (what, nobody working there on a Sunday?)

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{Cheney in his outfit: Real cowboys don’t ‘frighten easily’}

Here is a very specific and very narrow request: If you know anything about SERE training in the 1960s, please let me know at joesharkey2@comcast. net, as I am working on a magazine article about this.

My first business trips, so to speak, were as a dumb young man in the military in the second half of the 1960s. (By the way, Delta Air Lines always treated servicemen very very well in this era and I always have had a warm feeling for Delta because of that.)

But I digress. Early in 1968, as a young NCO, I had orders to report to Saigon, Vietnam — just in time, as it would turn out, for the Tet Offensive.)

But before going, I was required to report to Little Creek, Va., for a 3-week training course called Survival Evasion Resistance and Escape (S.E.R.E.), which turned out to be an exercise in being subjected to torture and mind-blowing confinement in a simulated Prisoner of War camp after spending four days without food in the godforsaken Maryland or Virginia mountains (they never told us where we were) in the dead of winter, while trying to avoid capture by Navy SEALS posing as and uniformed as Chinese Red Commies.

This being winter in those miserable mountains, there was of course no food, nor were we supplied with any. After some days of “evasion,” we poor hungry, cold, disorientated slobs all were “captured” by Navy SEALS (and who knows who else, under whatever contracts). They were dressed in war paint, but also in Red Chinese uniforms. Disoriented and hungry, we were confined for days in a simulated, very real looking POW camp (they had built it like a Hollywood set), where we were beaten and “tortured” day and night. The torture was real. I left with several broken ribs. There is an indelible image in my head of a Navy captain (a Navy captain is the same rank as an Army colonel) being humiliated for an hour in front of the rest of us, refusing to crack, and then thrown stark naked into a barbed wire fence. I see that man’s bloody body to this day, He extricated himself from the barbed wire crying, blood-soaked, utterly ruined.

Today, I read a credulous report in the paper that blithely stated that SERE was “created decades earlier to give American pilots and soldiers a sample of the torture techniques used by Communists in the Korean war.”

That’s the lie created about SERE by the military and its complicit employed psychologists and psychiatrists — hired hands who all were an integral part of the crimes we confront today.

The reason for SERE was to see if torture worked, on whom and under what circumstances. Sleep deprivation, physical strain, beatings, being tossed into walls and fences, water-boarding, exposure to extreme cold, endless “questioning,” sensory shakeups, confinement in small airless boxes, abject humiliation — all were part of the S.E.R.E. “training.” It’s a shame Cowboy Dick didn’t get to experience it first-hand, but oh, that’s right: Cheney wangled five draft deferments because he had “other priorities” at the time when other young men of his generation were being sent to a vicious, seemingly endless war, and 55,000 of them came home in coffins.

I’ll follow up with a longer personal report on S.E.R.E.  Meanwhile, if you were there too, let me know at … Joesharkey2@comcast.net

[Update: On Rachel Maddow tonight, Lawrence Wilkerson, the former chief of staff to former Secretary of State (and four-star combat general Colin Powell,) described the creepy former vice president, Dick Cheney, as a “man who frightens easily” and, — whoa, Wilkerson even mentioned Cheney’s successful craven attempts to obtain “five deferrals” from Vietnam military service back ,when Warrior Dick insisted he had “other priorities.”)

Dick Cheney as described by Gen. Powell’s top guy: “A man who frightens easily.” Cheney, of course, was one of the main drivers behind the torture techniques used on prisoners and based, we now know, on what was learned from SERE.

Don’t you love that cowboy hat Cheney wears? You ever seen that fat-ass on a horse? My guess is that Cheney is as afraid of horses as his pal Bush famously is. He’s a man, after all, who frightens easily.

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Just when you think things on board an airplane couldn’t get more annoying, here’s this YouTube hit showing some offensively self-regarding Southwest male flight attendant asking for “audience participation” from the passengers so he can sing the safety instructions in rap. And some knucklehead passengers encourage this character by clapping out the beat. (The clip is evidently at least a month old, but it keeps getting rejuvenated online).

We have far too much “performing” in this culture, if you ask me. Does the pitch-challenged Susan Boyle warbling that execrable Les Mis anthem not provide enough noise bouncing around in our heads?

Coerced “audience participation” is one of the lowest forms of performance, even lower than street-mimes and that “Grandma” clown at the Big Apple circus who’s going to get knocked on his smug kiester by an angry audience member one of these Christmases.

An airplane is a confined space, crammed cheek to jowl with a captive audience. It is not like the set for the nitwits on American Idol.

So I am begging you, do not let this spread. Please resist the urge, you flight attendants who want to recite doggerel, juggle, do interpretive dance, try stand-up comedy, or, God help us, force us to listen to you sing. Please just read the safety instructions, fasten seat belts, and shut the hell up. Oh, and I’d like a cranapple juice, please. “Hey yo up there acting like a goose; stop that crappy rappin’, get the dude a juice.”

Word.

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I think there might be some misunderstanding about Delta’s decision last week to stop outsourcing reservations and other sales calls to call centers in India.

The Delta CEO, Richard Anderson, said that while it’s cheaper to outsource the jobs, “the customer acceptance of call centers in foreign countries is low. Our customers are not shy about letting us have that feedback.”

The dislike of foreign call centers could be interpreted as ethnic bias, but I don’t think so. I hear the same thing from a lot of people, and I have had the identical impression using foreign call centers: I simply can’t understand what the hell some of those people are saying.

I remember in New York City not long ago encountering a tourist who I presumed to be Middle Eastern, asking me again and again where he could find an “AH-teem.” Finally, after multiple tries, I realized he was looking for an A.T.M. machine, but it took hand gestures with his bank card for him to get the idea across.

In India, meanwhile, people tend to speak impeccable English. I’d bet that the average middle-class Indian speaks better English than the average middle-class American, in fact.

But the Indian accent, two generations after the departure of the British colonialists who had bequeathed the language to the subcontinent, is sometimes impenetrable. The western ear is simply not conditioned to it.

Which reminds me of those jokes that wiseguys have been known to play at Heathrow Airport, where they hand an innocent customer-service person a paper with what appears to be a foreign name on it and ask for that person to be paged.

Thus the following “person” has been paged. (There are actual recordings of these pranks online):

“Arhev Bin Fayed Bybeiev Rhibodie.”

Say it out loud and it sounds a lot like “I have been fired, bye-bye everybody.”

Or: “Arheddis Varkenjaab Aywellbe Fayed.”

Say that out loud, but not with children present.

In Paris a few years ago, I stayed at a hotel on Boulevard Malesherbes and got lost trying to find it after a long walk through the city. I don’t speak French, but I can usually bumble my way through basic French words, names and phrases. But Malesherbes? How in the world do you say that? People kept shaking their heads ruefully as I repeatedly tried to get directions, till finally some woman had me write it down. Aha! she said, and gave me directions in English.

I spend a lot of time in southern Arizona, and when driving south of Tucson I sometimes encounter a Border Patrol roadblock checking for illegal immigrants. Sometimes the officer who pokes his head in the car is Mexican American, that is, an American citizen, and on one recent occasion the man had an accent so think that I had no idea what he was saying, even though he was speaking perfectly good English.

“Pliss estateju seeteezchip,” he said.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you said,” I replied.

Now, a small minority of Arizonans and Texans resent Border Patrol questioning on a public highway, and like to bust the chops of the officers, who technically have no real authority to stop an American citizen on a road that’s, say, 40 miles from the border.

But I wasn’t doing that. I really had no idea what the poor man was saying.

He was courteous, but he merely repeated the question louder.

“PLISS ESTATEJU SEEZCHIP?” he asked plaintively.

Nada.

Finally, after several more tries, I got it.

“U.S. citizen,” I stated.

Looking stricken, he thanked me and waved me on with immense relief. I felt a little guilty because it was obvious that he believed I had been trying to humiliate him, which I had not.

By the way, I can only imagine what foreign English speakers think when they hear the way some young Americans today mangle pronounced English. I am not talking here about regional accents, but about the weirdly affected way some people now drop or conflate syllables in common words.

I call them “Crates.” Because that’s how they pronounce the word “create.”

In this bizarre new diction, “Collect” becomes “Klek.” And “collapse” becomes “Clapps.” And so on.

I heard some simpering guy on NPR use the word “Madge-min” this morning. Took me a while to figure out he was saying “management.”

In Australia, meanwhile, a couple of television pranksters pulled another kind of word stunt at the Sydney airport. They handed a slip of paper to a customer-service agent to page the following passengers: Al Kyder and Terry Wrist. Commotion ensued when people heard the announcement in the terminal.

Which brings me to my all-time favorite in this line of frivolity. Sometimes, reporters doing quick person-on-the-street type interviews speak to someone who agrees to give a name, and the name is oddly spelled, so the person writes it down in the reporter’s notebook so that it appears correctly. And every once in a while, the following name actually appears in print: ” …, said Heywood Jabolme.”

Sounds like an urban myth, but it appeared — again — in a story in the New York Post a few years ago.

Belongs in a kleckshun.

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This was not supposed to happen. Ever.   Again.   Under.  No.   Circumstances.

A “mentally challenged” gunman forced his way past security and took over a charteredCanJet 737 at the Montego Bay airport Sunday night. He freed the 170 or so passengers and two crew members but held six other crew hostage, and demanded to be flown to Cuba.

Where, as it turns out, the plane was bound for anyway, after its stopover in Jamaica. I guess the mentally challenged gunman wanted priority boarding and exit row seating.

Here’s the statement from CanJet on the situation.

CanJet also said that a “full security operation is underway.”

They’re a bit late out of the gate on that one, I would say.

[UPDATE: Police captured the 20-year-old hijacker this morning and the hostages were released unharmed.]

{{UPDATE 2 — And I do not buy the baloney here and see comment below that this was not a big deal; I don’t buy the risible assertion delivered here by one Edmund Bartlett, “Minister of Tourism” that this was a great day for Jamaican security. What does the “Minister of Tourism” have to do with security? An armed man got through Jamaican airport security with a gun and took control of a plane. There is absolutely no excuse for this, government blandishments aside}}

All of those 3-1-1 rules, all of those take-off-your-shoes rules, all of those terrorist watch-list precautions and rummage-through-your-bag routines mean absolutely nothing if some lunatic with a gun can sail past security.

And a hijacked airliner in Jamaica is just as much a potential threat as an airliner hijacked in Miami or Atlanta.

Air travel security rests on the fundamental assumption that it is no longer possible for a plane to be commandeered, thanks to fortified cockpit doors and well-trained crew. It is also not supposed to be possible for a would-be terrorist or a “mentally challenged” gunman — and God knows we have plenty of both — to get through security with a firearm.

Inept, malfeasant airport security in Jamaica is not a local matter, mon. Air travel security is a global matter. In the United States, it is a matter of vital national interest. Now that the crew is safe, the authorities, and we travelers, need to hold Jamaica to account for an inexcusable lapse in Security 101.

A hijacked plane, no matter who took it over and how, was not supposed to happen again. Period.

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