Text AATHEATRE to 22898 by 5PM EST today and receive a 10% off code for an American Airlines itinerary. You must book by May 28 and travel between April 28 and July 28 (July 2-5 are excluded). Seems to be pretty unrestricted otherwise.

Priority Club is offering 1,000 Priority Club Rewards bonus points for all bookings made through their new iPhone app through June 15, 2010. As far as I can tell no registration is required. I just downloaded the app and it’s quite easy to use, so I might just use it anyway.

(Tip of the hat to @WorldConcierge)

It’s time for a reader photo. Thanks to Christian for sending in this one.

Correct Answer: Berlin, Germany
Winner: Chris

If you’d like your photo featured, please email it to me at onemileatatime@hotmail.com, along with the correct answer.

This is quite a nice promotion. Delta is offering 5,000 SkyMiles per stay at any of Marriott’s brands, starting with the second stay, between May 1 and September 6, 2010. The limit is 60,000 miles per member. Registration is required and opens May 1.

(Tip of the hat to TMtravelworld)

On Saturday morning I was departing LAX terminal 7, and while waiting in line for my ID to be checked, two of the TSA’s wonderful behavior detection “officers” were making their way through the line. For those of you not familiar with the concept, here’s a description of the program from TSA blogger Bob:

Behavior analysis is based on the fear of being discovered. People who are trying to get away with something display signs of stress through involuntary physical and physiological behaviors. Whether someone’s trying to sneak through that excellent stone ground mustard they bought on vacation, a knife, or a bomb, behavior detection officers like me are trained to spot certain suspicious behaviors out of the crowd. Once we make our determination, we refer these passengers for additional screening or directly to law enforcement.

What does this really mean? Two guys who are qualified for the job simply because they don’t have a felony on their record take a half day course on spotting suspicious behavior and are thereby qualified to act as some sort of brilliant psychologist to determine when someone’s behavior is “suspicious.” In other words, as usual, our taxpayer dollars are being wasted. Instead of firing during a recession where air travel is down, the TSA instead chooses to make more work.

So what does this mean in practice? The “officer” asks the guy in front of me what the scissor symbol on his blazer represents. He asks me what my shirt means. I simply responded with “I don’t think that has anything to do with security,” and was quickly left alone. Boy, guess I got past him, since I had a bottle of water in my bag with at least four ounces in it. Who knows what I could have done with that!

So if you run into these idiots, don’t engage them. And if you feel like it, act nervous, bite your lips, and sweat profusely.

By the way, just to clarify, I wouldn’t be opposed to such a program if there were actually skilled behavior detection officers doing this, as opposed to unqualified people that have about three hours of job training.

Check out this TSA checkpoint surveillance video with commentary, which is pretty self explanatory.

I don’t have a whole lot to add, beyond Matthew’s analysis over at upgrd.com. I’ll simply say that while the passenger was an idiot for trying to physically take the cooler from the TSA agent clerk, the agents clerks aren’t exactly acting professionally and this just shows how far we’ve stooped. Oh well.

Surprisingly enough, the more flying I do, the more I have a hard time putting up with other passengers. No, not in terms of the traveling public losing all manners the second they step on a plane, but rather in terms of misinformation by other frequent flyers.

This past week I had a flight where I was talking to one of the lovely flight attendants in the business class galley of a 777. I quite enjoyed her telling me about her life in Huntington Beach, where she’s the only one without a Hummer and fake boobs (true story). A guy comes up to the flight attendant and asks for a cheese and cracker plate. Now mind you, this is a breakfast flight, and they simply don’t have that catered. The flight attendant was fantastic, so she got him something to nibble on from coach. As she was doing that, he started talking to me.

First he bragged about how much he flies. Yeah, he’s a total badass. He has done a whopping 30,000 miles this year and has hardly been home. Fair enough, that I can handle. Then he asks where I’m from, and I say Tampa. He mentioned how he’s taking a business trip next week to Tampa and can’t figure out whether he should fly United (the airline he flies 99% of the time), or Virgin, because they have a nonstop from Los Angeles to Tampa. Well, not only do they not have a nonstop, but they don’t even fly to Tampa. Now obviously he was looking for some feedback from me, and I didn’t know how to respond. Do I say “yeah, Virgin’s pretty cool, give them a go,” or do I say “sir, you have no clue what you’re talking about, they don’t fly to Tampa?” Of course I contained myself and went with the former. Then again, that wasn’t a huge issue.

He continued. “You know, United really treats me well for the most part, but I was frustrated a few days ago at Dulles in the Red Carpet Club. I had a flight a few days later and there were 30 empty seats in business class, and I just wanted them to put me in seat 8B because I really like it, and they refused.” Well, sir, how convenient — you should clear my upgrade because I have a favorite seat! Yet again, I didn’t know how to respond to that. Do I explain to him how ridiculous his statement is, or just agree and say “yeah, that’s unfortunate?”

Anyway, he went on and on, next explaining how an agent refused to check him in for a flight in three days, even though he knew the agent really could. On a case-by-case basis I can handle it, but it’s frustrating to always be stuck talking to frequent flyers that have no clue what the hell they’re talking about.

So what do you guys do? Correct them, just always agree, or excuse yourself whenever they start talking to you?

It’s time for a reader photo. Thanks to David for sending in this one.

Correct Answer: Kyoto, Japan
Winner: N766AN

If you’d like your photo featured, please email it to me at onemileatatime@hotmail.com, along with the correct answer.

I was going to title this “the story of how I touched an 88 year old man’s nuts,” but I figured I’d just be pushing my luck. Stay tuned.

Anyway, as I mentioned last night, I wasn’t all that optimistic about my flights today. They were both sold out and I was still stuck in coach, with the chances of an upgrade looking slim to none. Anyway, it turned out to be a pretty darn good day.

I arrived at TPA early for my flight this afternoon, and when I used the Easy Check-In Kiosk I received a boarding pass for seat 20B, which caught me by surprise since I had selected seat 16C. The boarding pass still indicated it was an exit row seat, so that could only mean one thing — a swap to a 767. I went to speak to my service director friend and he confirmed that it indeed was a three cabin 767 swap. Unfortunately I wasn’t on the upgrade list, which seems to be because my upgrade showed as “denied.” He quickly added me to the list and said that my chances looked good.

At the gate it was complete chaos as they reassigned dozens of seats thanks to the plane change. My upgrade ended up clearing and I got seat 6B, a rear facing business class seat. It seems like they preassigned all the first class seats to those previously booked in first class. Bummer!

The flight attendants were also caught off guard by this aircraft swap and didn’t seem to know how to work the entertainment system. The purser announced that they would be playing the safety demo once we pushed back, “because the video system only works when both engines are on.” Well, we push back and both engines are on, but we’re without any video. The purser keeps trying to play with the system to make it work, and finally decides it won’t work as we’re short of the runway. We had to sit there for about three minutes so the manual safety demo could be completed before taking off.

Once airborne I headed to the lav, where I was caught off guard when I ran into a flight attendant friend of mine sitting in the jumpseat. I’ve come to know many of the United flight attendants that live in Tampa quite well, as most of them are based in Washington Dulles. This particular flight attendant is one of my favorites, but I hadn’t seen her in at least a couple of months. She’s so much fun to talk to, as nothing is out of bounds, she’s hilarious, and she loves her job. Time flew by, and only when the seatbelt sign was turned on during the final descent did we stop talking. So much for enjoying the business class seat!

I had a short 30 minute connection at Dulles to catch my flight to Los Angeles. For that flight I was confirmed in seat 10D, an Economy Plus seat, which I was expecting to be stuck in. I figured I had no shot in hell at an upgrade. First class was sold out, I was on an L fare (one of the lowest fare buckets), and it was a Thursday afternoon, one of the most elite heavy times to travel. As I got to the gate boarding began and I looked at the monitor to see what my position on the waitlist was, for entertainment more than anything else.

I was shocked to find that I was number two on the upgrade list with four seats remaining. I also noticed that number one on the list had the same initials as a friend of mine from New Zealand. As it turned out, we were both called up to the podium together and both cleared, and it was in fact him. Given how few upgrades seem to have cleared before the gate, I was shocked by the lack of 1Ks on the waitlist.

You could immediately tell the crew was top notch. They helped with stowing bags (which is a big deal, believe it or not) and were all around attentive. The door closed ten minutes early and the purser was about to close the cockpit door, as one of the flight attendants came storming up front from the back as she loudly screamed “wait, tell the captain to call the agents.” Flight attendants stormed back and forth, at which point they realized there was a passenger aboard that was really supposed to be heading to Sacramento. They asked for his boarding pass and ID and then called the gate agent to bring the jet bridge back. Not sure how the hell that happens anymore, especially after the destination check. Anyway, they bring back the jet bridge back and let the passenger off.

While the flight attendants laugh about this and the door is once again closed, the captain yells “wait, I still have his ID.” This time they bring the forward jet bridge close to the cockpit window so the captain can just hand them his ID. Lovely. Once again, laughs all around as we’re finally ready to go.

After a few minutes a flight attendant comes storming up front and says there are two passengers that are sick and need to get off. Yet again after a few minutes the door opens and the passengers are let out. Of course each of these times the flight attendants have to arm and disarm the doors, and a couple of times they got a bit confused about all of it.

Eventually we pushed back and then go to the “penalty box,” as we need a new flight plan due to some weather in the area. We sit there for about 30 minutes with the engines running all along. That sucks for a couple of reasons. First, it’s Earth Day. So much for caring about the environment! Second of all, it was clear we were already “short” on fuel due to the longer route, so wasting even more fuel isn’t helping. The captain mentioned we might have to refuel, but we didn’t end up having to.

The rest of the flight was rather uneventful, other than my seatmate. He was an 88 year old guy who didn’t look a day over 68. As the hot nuts were being served I asked the flight attendant whether there were any extras, and she said she’d look. As I turned my head back towards my tray table, I noticed that my 88 year old seatmate had placed his nuts on my tray table. I said, “are you offering me your nuts?” And he was indeed! How nice of him.

Then he proceeded to tell me what a great deal he got on this flight — “It was only $4,000 roundtrip from Halifax to Los Angeles.” My eyes grew wide and he was obviously confused, as he responded with “why, what did you pay?” I explained I paid $200, which made his eyes even wider.

It was lovely to hear his stories about how his son makes over $1,000,000 per year and how his daughter’s husband has made $8,000,000 per year for the past seven years. Don’t get me wrong, he was a nice guy, but really?

Also, I was quite relieved (he seemed to have plenty of relief as well!) by his consumption of a 20 pack of Gas-X, which he dearly needed.

Anyway, the crew on this flight did an amazing job. And that’s my travel day…

The only other thing worth noting is my hotel experience here at LAX. After landing and checking in I headed to the gym, where I was alone, until a guy walked in wearing high heels and carrying a suitcase, who headed towards the locker room. I didn’t think much of it, until 30 minutes later, when he emerged wearing a flight attendant uniform. Ehhh?

And for those of you interested, here are just a few pictures from today taken with my iPhone:

Not a bad seat out of Tampa!

IAD-LAX hot nuts and Diet Coke

IAD-LAX dinner

IAD-LAX dessert

IAD-LAX pre-landing snack

Here’s what my flights are looking like tomorrow:

With my luck as of late I have a feeling I’ll be enjoying both flights in coach with nice delays and smelly seatmates…

C’mon United, bump me!