This isn’t meant to be another tirade against the TSA, but I just can’t help but shriek at this video of a TSA agent giving a six year old girl a full body patdown:

I’ll refrain from saying anything beyond that…

Before anyone posts “lucky, how dare you discriminate against those with a disability,” hear me out.

I was flying out of Orlando this evening and was directed towards the full body scanner at the TSA checkpoint. As usual I refused and asked for a private pat down instead. After the agent yells “male assist,” a guy comes up to me who is missing an arm. Fair enough, there’s nothing wrong with that. I figured he would get assistance, as they always do, since private screenings require two agents.

When you get a private screening you’re not allowed to touch your bags until the screening is done for obvious reasons, though he carried all of my bags over to the private screening room. He put my laptop bag over his shoulder with the limb, and then clamped the bin with my Macbook between his limb and body, while carrying my 22” carry-on in the other hand. Even those without disabilities usually take two people to carry my stuff over, though this guy had it all. Unfortunately in the process, he placed my very old shoes on my very new Macbook Air, which I really didn’t appreciate. Then again, I didn’t want to be a douche and ask him to carry them separately, given that his hand was full.

We go to a screening room and a supervisor is called over to “observe” the screening, which is always done when requesting a private screening. When you get a pat down they always use gloves, though in this case, he could only wear one glove, again, for obvious reasons. The issue was, he used his limb to pat me down as well! It’s not that I have an issue with him using his limb, but rather that it didn’t have a glove on it, which is required. And I really don’t like people working a checkpoint touching me or any of my belongings without gloves, given how much stuff they touch on a daily basis. At the same time, what could I really say? “Could you put a glove on your limb?” or “Could you please not use your limb?” The guy was incredibly nice, though it was rather awkward as he swooped his limb between my legs and up to my crotch… really caused me to have to spread my legs wide.

Look, I’m all for the TSA hiring those with disabilities and this guy was especially friendly, but couldn’t they distribute labor a bit better? This guy would be much better off working the scanner or being on the other end of the metal detector or full body scanner, as those areas aren’t as physically challenging.

Not only did he delay me by taking more time than otherwise necessary (he worked at about half the pace), but he was touching me without a glove, which I’m never comfortable with (but I didn’t want to make the situation even more awkward), be it a hand or a limb. Beyond that, while he was incredibly nice, he repeatedly complained about his disability as he got up and down on his knee, having forgotten that he has one bad knee. So clearly he wasn’t enjoying it either.

Am I off base to expect all the contact someone has with me to be via gloves, and to maybe think they can make both of our lives easier by assigning him to a more practical position that isn’t as physical, given his disability?

This is quite possibly the dumbest thing ever. Flying out of SFO on Saturday morning, I handed the ID checker at the security checkpoint my ID and boarding pass. She asked me what my last name was, in a somewhat demeaning tone, so I figured she wasn’t just curious about the pronunciation. Dumbfounded, I pointed to my ID and said “it’s right there.” She said “no, you need to tell me what your last name is.” I asked why, and she responded that it was a new policy.

It seems I’m not alone and that this isn’t an isolated event. This is a new policy at SFO to “keep us safe” (her words, not mine). Can anyone rationalize that? I guess they think they’re stopping people with fake IDs that way? Seriously, are they that dumb?

Next time I fly through there, I’m either going to refuse to say anything or give a different last name, just to see their reaction.

Idiots.

Via USA Today:

LOS ANGELES — Travelers passing through Los Angeles International Airport are finding that security officers have more than a scan or pat-down for them this holiday season. They’re offering musical entertainment, too.

The LAX TSA Choir, a group of 17 singers and musicians, all of them officers of the Transportation Security Administration, have been surprising passengers with performances of holiday music and other tunes in the midst of one of the nation’s busiest airports.

What’s next, a TSA security theater? Oh, wait…

I feel like I’ve just made a revelation. I just went through security at Boston Logan Airport, and they have the full body scanners. I ended up in the lane which has these, and when it came time to go through the checkpoint, the agent gave me the usual “you don’t have anything in your pockets and your belt is off, right? Step right over here.”

As he said that, I said, with a smile on my face, “I’ll take the massage, please.” The TSA agent clearly didn’t like that I was getting enjoyment out of the security theater process, and said “oh no you won’t, you’re going through the metal detector.”

Now, unless I’m mistaken, once you’re selected for the full body scanner, you can either take that or get the patdown (in other words, you can’t opt to go through the metal detector).

So is the key to avoiding both the full body scanner and the full body patdown to pretend like you actually enjoy the experience, and are feeling lonely this holiday season?

As you can see, the TSA is working very hard to keep us safe:

You can read the full story here.

Thanks to Ron Paul for finally bring some sense to Congress regarding the full body scanners and enhanced pat down procedure by introducing a bill:

That’s the most brilliant five minute speech I’ve heard from a government official in, well, just about forever.

On a related note, check out this picture that appeared on the front page of the Denver Post today, along with the article about the controversy surrounding the new pat downs and full body scanners:

If a picture is worth a thousand words, we have us a research paper right there!

Lastly, check out this hilarious clip from the Colbert Report a couple of nights ago, featuring Jeffrey Goldberg. Brilliant!

Check out Taiwan-based Next Media Animation’s hilarious commentary on the latest issues with the TSA:

Hilarious!

(Tip of the hat to GoAmtrak)

It’s sad how many posts I’ve dedicated to the TSA in recent weeks, though this is totally worth another post in my opinion. As many of you know, the TSA recently revised their pat down procedure to include (for men) moving their hands up your upper thigh until they reach “resistance.” Yes, I love the way they phrase that, and I’m sure I’m not alone.

Anyway, yesterday a passenger was flying out of terminal 2 at San Diego Airport, where he got selected to go through the full body scanner. He refused, and told the TSA agent patting him down that he would sue him if he “touched his junk.” The TSA agent called a supervisor, and he was given the option of either getting the pat down or not flying. He chose not to fly, so was escorted out of the secure area. He then proceeded to the American ticket counter, where he refunded his ticket.

As he got ready to leave the airport, he was approached and told he couldn’t leave. Since he had started the screening process, he was required to finish it, despite the TSA agents specifically telling him he could leave (and even escorting him out!). Further, he was informed that he would be subject to a $10,000 fine if he left.

Anyway, see here for the full story and for the audio clips. Despite how absurd the full body scanners and new pat down procedure are, the TSA agents were remarkably professional, in my opinion. The same can’t be said for the people that approached him after the fact. Anyway, the system is clearly broken…

The TSA’s revised full body pat down procedure has been in place for a couple of weeks now, so I’ve had the pleasure of “experiencing” it a few times. There’s nothing too awful about it, though this morning I felt like I owed the guy patting me down a tip. It took him seven (!!!!) minutes to perform the full body pat down. I timed it. He checked my collar six times, and told me every step of the way what he was doing.

He was an older guy and it seemed as if he had forgotten what parts of my body he patted down, so he did everything twice for good measure. I felt bad for him, because he was out of breath and perspiring by the end of it.

Based on his “narration,” though, it seemed like he’s supposed to inspect my collar six times from all angles as part of the pat down. I have a feeling that’s more his interpretation than policy, but he did check my collar six times. So that’s definitely my last time flying with a collared shirt. I guess the TSA is now waging a war against class.

Let’s hope this guy has November 24 off…