I’m pleased to say I found the video America West showed, read, forced people to watch during descent, that detailed some information about their impending merger with US Airways. The entire video seems like something that would be played at a deprogramming session of a cult initiation. The narrator is just a little to calm, does not appear to blink, and describes the new US Airways in terms just a bit too glowing – as if we are all awaiting the completion of the giant escalator that will take us to our new home the sky. In the wake of last week’s story of America West airways, and my interminable ire and hatred for the airline, let’s check out some of the highlights.

00:12: “Since our startup in 1983, when we began service from Phoenix, with just three airplanes to four cities.”

Yeah, too bad you couldn’t have kept it to four cities. That way, the debacle that was America West wouldn’t have spread to much of the US, and would’ve been contained, like a quarantined area of a level-four virus outbreak.

00:24 “But, nothing compares to the growth we’re about to experience, as we merge with US Airways.”

Our first cult indication. Spark the thought in your viewers minds that bliss, euphoria, and a veritable Elysium of an airline is within your grasp.

00:34 “The new-merged airline will be called US Airways”

What the hell is this? “New-merged?” That’s not a compound noun! Gee, US Airways, how about an adverb, like, “newly-merged?” Go ahead and form compound nouns, such as newmerged, if you’re William Faulkner, but, last time I checked, he didn’t write the script for the video.  The above is also our second cult indication: we have the name of our imminent orb of eternal bliss, to whom we must provide 75 billion years of service.

01:15 “I’d like to give you some details about the merger.”

Now, the overly calm, non-blinking narrator starts throwing around the term, “merger,” like a cult throws around the term, “leader,” “new life,” “new home planet.” I can see it now: “Once the merger is complete, we will begin life anew, indebted to service of the new US Airways, to whom we shall throw ourselves in daily sacrifice for 75 billion years, as the on who has made our life better and more plentiful. All hail the new US Airways, and the merger that brings the new US Airways.” Then, people emerge from deprogramming sessions with bugged eyes, hollow stairs, monotones, declaring their new love for the Merger, and US Airways, its Leader. See, folks? Not too far fetched, is it?

3:17 – “With full-service amenities, such as affordable first class, and assigned seats.”

Well, that’s just an outright lie. There was never anything close to full-service amenities on US Airways, before or after they rid their first class cabins of glassware. Today, with no glassware in first class, passengers enjoy their beverages out of cups no better than what you’d find at a fraternity mixer. Really classy. You also know it’s bad when you have to advertise that your airline has assigned seats. Yes, I understand that America West is trying to play the “we’re not Southwest” bit, even in the midst of the Merger of eternal bliss for US Airways the leader. Yes, the new US Airways might demand 75 billion years of hard labor service as terms of the Merger, but, at least your seat is assigned.

Then, the video switches into clips of old America West commercials, ostensibly to provide a sensory flood of pro-America West material to aid in the brainwashing process.

4:45 – Watch simply because the 80s haircuts and the mullet on the ramp worker are just priceless.

4:54 - “On big, luxurious 757s.”

Yeah, right. a 757 may be big, but luxurious it ain’t. What a freakin’ despicable lie.

05:32 – AWA employees performing a rendition of Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” in off-key voices, choreography resembling a body that’s being shocked with 25,000 amperes of current, and a frightening solo of a ticket agent who has obviously been hitting the schnapps before rehearsal. Again, the outright lie of this airline providing anyone respect is just maddening.

06:03 – Stab at Southwest is reallllllly creative. How long did it take some intern to splice that same clip together, over, and over, and over again? That smug, juvenile, “Unlike SOME airlines”?? – Good, AWA uses middle school playground tactics in its advertisements.

06:33 - The CEO of Coldstone Creamery, Doug Ducey, talking about how much he loves America West. First, this guy has all the candor and charisma of a lampshade. Secondly, I find it quite fitting that America West and Coldstone do business together. I have been to Coldstone three times, twice in Boston, once outside of San Francisco, and I have been disappointed each time. I always think that mixing your own overpriced topping into an equally overpriced cup of ice cream will be delicious, but, instead, I can only ever finish half of the cup, because the ice cream is of poor quality, overly sweet tasting, and I start to feel my pancreas shutting down, and diabetic shock coming on hard. Oh, and by the way, Doug, there aren’t infinite combinations of mixers and ice cream, as your company’s slogan states. According to my research, Coldstone features 37 types of ice cream, and 70. Using some high school math, Doug, you can solve for the maximum number of combinations and ice cream flavors, but raising 37 to the 70th power, 37^70. Push the “Equals” button on your calculator (that’s the one with the two parallel lines, Doug), and you find that there are 60,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000 combinations possible at Coldstone.Yeah, that’s quite a few, but, let’s get one thing straight, Doug, it’s not infinite.

06:58 – The commercials wrap up, and the overly calm, non-blinking woman begins to speak in voiceover, again. By this time, her dulcet tones assume that you have been brainwished by the hyperstimulus of the America West advertisements, and you’re soon ready to surrender yourself to the new, larger, better airline. But, you’re not. You’re only much angrier that America West will soon merge into one, much larger airline, and propogate its filth and depravity to more destinations than ever before. Sorry, I didn’t buy all the bit about the leader, the merger, and infinite bliss. Neither have thousands of US Airways’ frequent flyers, either.