This weekend, I jumped on one of the curazzzzy 145 dollar roundtrip fares from coast to coast, for some post-three-midterm-in-seven-days flying. Amazingly, I was also able to convince my old pal Brett, and my friend Ian, from my program, to join me on the craziness on a 145 dollar fare from New York to San Francisco. Brett, whom I have known since high school, always enjoys a trip back to the Bay Area, plus, we have many friends from UC Berkeley. I’m guessing Ian figured he should finally see what all the hype of the Bay Area is about, because I simply won’t shut about its merits and its complete and utter superiority to the crudtown known as New York City. Here are some notes and musings from the weekend.

-It was the first time I took advantage of United’s 24-hour refund policy, their apparent corporate trade for no longer being able to hold reservations on United.com. As all three travelers coordinated various itineraries, our trip went through a few incarnations. At first, we were booked out to the west coast on a 6am Friday flight from LaGuardia to San Francisco via Chicago. After booking, the next day, we discovered that United had opened up a number of low fare buckets for nonstops from JFK to San Francisco that left at a much more reasonable hour. The cancellation process was extremely easy, and I received a confirmation cancellation e-mail within minutes of the agent obliterating the reservation. I don’t understand, though, why United can’t alter their policy to allow refunds and changes to the reservations within the first 24 hours. When I called, I first inquired if I could simply change my outbound flight, and keep the return the same. The agent informed me that she could only cancel the reservation, and book a new one outright. I imagine this policy has nothing to do with United’s business principles (or lack thereof), but their wonderfully inept IT department simply can’t figure out how to write the code to allow changes within the first 24 hours without canceling the entire reservation.

-Yes, I flew with a bad cold, and yes, perhaps that was a bit irresponsible, I fully concede, without actually having to be at a certain destination. I contend that these flights were excessively necessary for my mental health, and for that, I chose to fly. I guarantee I felt worse than other passenger on that airplane after landing. Plus, at that point, I think I was in the non-contagious stage of a cold, simply where one’s head is packed with pressure and mucous, after the sore throat and aches subside.

-Brett was super impressed with p.s. (Premium Service) biz class, especially being seated in the famous row nine, the emergency exit row with approximately six miles of legroom. He even liked the p.s. biz omelet (there must be something wrong with him )

-An interesting observation: the flight attendant taking breakfast orders arrived at my row (row five) last, and claimed that because of taking breakfast orders by status, only the pancake option was left. Now, I rate airline omelets slightly below drinking straight Drano, and thus, was pleased to have the pancakes. My rowmate, on the other hand, claimed he wasn’t supposed to eat sugar, and was very near apoplectic that there were no more omelets available. The flight attendants said they would take peak in first class to see if there existed any of their fancy-schmancy eggs (what does United call them? Bistro eggs?) left. Now, I only smirk a bit because I hazard a guess they were not actually taking orders based on status, and simply told us as such to shut us up, because Brett is but a Premier Associate – and received the omelet. Moreover, his seatmate received eggs from first class, as did one other passenger, leaving my poor seatmate to eat the fruit plate for breakfast. Most frequent flyers cap on the fruit plate – but, I must say, it didn’t look bad at all – except for the horrendous raisins in the museli. Lose those, and I’ll order it all the time.

-Our, uh, verbose purser on the way out kept qualifying the plane and its actions with superlatives and unnecessary descriptors: “Welcome on board this p.s. 757 – wow, this is a really nice airplane;” “After that really nice take off;” “Following that really smooth landing . . . ” and so forth.

-Brett’s in-seat-power wasn’t working. And, he didn’t ask for a Skykit. Rookie mistake .

-Experienced my second simultaneous approach on the 28s into San Francisco. Our 757 was neck-and-neck with an Embraer 120, and we touched down on runways 28L and 28R, respectively, at roughly the same time. Quite a treat. The captain advised us all not to be alarmed with the other airplane in such close proximity.

-Channel 9 was on! I’ve never had a male pilot on an SFO – JFK or JFK – SFO run turn on Channel 9! Only female pilots SFO/JFK/SFO, and sometimes on LAX/JFK/LAX. I should really analyze this data for an award-winning study.

-I flew SFO – Boston on the return to visit a friend. I want to write about my connection with Boston in a longer piece, at some point, but any United SFO – Boston flight has special meaning for me – though, this flight was not so special.

-I knew that SFO – BOS is generally regarded as perhaps the most notoriously difficult domestic upgrade in the United system. I was, however, feeling somewhat optimistic, flying on a Saturday morning, and I had once cleared LAX – BOS as a Premier Executive. When I arrived at the gate, and looked at the upgrade monitor, there was one first class seat available, fifteen people on the upgrade list, and I was number five. My battle with United’s most difficult upgrade had ended quite quickly. I through out my departure management card, and prepared to take my seat in economy.

-As soon as I boarded, in a bad mood, still feeling ill, on two hours of sleep, and reeling from reliving some college memories with good friends the night before, I knew this was going to be your classic surly United crew – minus the indifference. No, one particular flight attendant was far from indifferent – instead, she badgered each passenger with the ferocity of a telemarketer, and the condescension of a preschool teacher. I boarded, frankly, not wanting to speak with anyone, and hoping just to be able to slip into slumber in my cruddy exit row seat. Instead, she immediately took issue with how I loaded my rollerboard into the exit row. Silently, I made the adjustment. Then, she demanded that I close the bin, so only my fellow passengers could use that very bin. Then, she stood at the door, alternating between making PA announcements, filled with stilted, fortressed, overly technical language about where to place each item, and barking orders at the boarding passengers directly. I’m fine with a few suggestions of where to place the smaller items – but, this FA implied that altering where one placed his or her items would be a violation of federal regulations, United regulations, and would result in your bag being checked, or punishment. Her callous, demeaning, martinet attitude soured the entire flight – and only reinforced the power hungry stereotype of some United FAs as she badgered each passenger as they boarded. She then approached those of us in the exit row and dropped some long speech about exit-row requirements. Though we said we understood the rules and regulations, she told us to pull out the safety card, and review it. It wasn’t a suggestion – it was, verbatim, “Do that at this time.” Another flight attendant who hates her job, hates passengers, and projects her disdain of the traveling public onto the paying customers. Here’s a suggestion: find a different job, and don’t take your own mental anguish of all of your lost years in a metal tube out on the people that pay you salary.

-I later saw this same FA shoveling ice into cups with her bare hands. I admit I wanted to e-mail United and report her.

-Are there no good domestic economy seats on a 757? The first exit row is horrendous, and the second, while possessing better legroom, has those terrible wall-mounted armrests on the overwing emergency exit doors that sitting an experience fit for a contortionist. I’ve sat all over that airplane, and still have never found an ideal seat.

-Oh, and the upgrade didn’t look worth it, anyway. I took a glance at the food being served – the greasy turkey sandwich, or a steak sandwich with pre-packaged ranch dressing (yeccch), served with a side of soup that looked as if it came out of a pond. It  was the first meal I had seen with United’s attempt at a gussied-up amuse-bouche/side of fruit, and the red grapes had no color, and were practically clear.

-And, finally, the trip report continues tomorrow. How do I know for sure? Because I’ve actually written about half of the next segment (a long one). It’ll definitely be up tomorrow.