Putting this deal in the classic “I’ll do this when I get a moment” realm of my life, (and, of course, not getting to it with any alacrity in the past few weeks), to my utmost dismay, I went to the website today to actually sign up for the promotion, discovered that the terms of the deal had dramatically changed – requiring up to a $399 investment, and a Faustian contract of signing up for three years of monitoring for some figure in the thousands. Crestfallen, I called LifeShield to find more details. A very kindly representative told me that, in fact, the original non-contract offer was still available, and the new contract-based offer was supposed to go live tomorrow (Monday), and she was not sure why the website displayed the frightening new deal.

I purchased right away. She had me at “bonus miles.”

Thus, the message of all this hoo-hah: Call, and sign up now! The deal, apparently, is only valid over the phone until 11.59pm, Eastern Time, Sunday, March 6, 2011. Reach ‘em at 877.574.8731. Ask for the non-contract United Airlines-deal.

The terms, as I clarified with the rep (just for anyone with questions):

-The Mileage Plus bonus miles are awarded 40 days after the date of purchase, not 40 days after the day of activation (so, I assume you may not even need to fully activate the system?)

-Mileage Plus miles will be credited automatically to your account (I gave them my MP number during purchase). A post in the FT thread read that someone from the company would call to obtain the Mileage Plus number, but from what I was told, all crediting was automatic.

-There are, really, n0 terms and restrictions, outside of keeping your subscription alive for 40 days. The rep said just to ensure that all miles posted to your account, and then, if you wish, cancel, at any point thereafter.

Sounds pretty good. Remember – 25,000 miles is a nice haul to add to any account, and enough for an economy-class roundtrip ticket in the United States.

Ah, yes. The 1K tier of United’s Mileage Plus program, that, for two years, I spent a significant portion of time, and excised a significant portion of my bank account, all to collect frequent flyer miles, clamor for those 100,000 miles, and spend time transport machines that I absolutely love, and that 95 percent of the world, I imagine, almost definitely reviles.

In the past four months, I decided that I’d rather devote the cabbage I spent (or, what rote business types call, completely unsexily, “cash outlay”), to other things – mostly, trying to attack that student loan debt, and though I miss it terribly, and though I still feverishly traipse through the forum pages of FlyerTalk’s mileage run deals with the utmost of longing, I’ve resolved to become more of an observer, because, financially, for me, right now, flying just doesn’t make too much sense. Again, it’s sad, but the right thing.

With med school apps, and the end of school, I hadn’t flown as much, anyway. There just wasn’t time.

There will still be flights to take. I’m dropping to Premier Executive, United’s mid-tier level next year, which still gives me the tantalizing perk of 100% percent bonus frequent flyer miles. And, I do love redeeming frequent flyer miles for crazy world-crossing trips. In March, I’m planning to redeem a wheelbarrow of miles for a trip to India, with some college pals. And, (think good thoughts, folks), hopefully, there will be more school-related flights to take in the New Year.

I’m hoping to post a slightly parodic, hilariously-cheesy look back at the 1K career (“We’ve had a lot of laughs over the last two years, folks”) later in the week. I’ve got some long wi-fi enabled bus trips coming up, and might be inspired.

But, for the rest o’ the week, I can return, if only for a bit, to some good ol’ fashioned in media res travel reportage – with reports of trying a new hotel brand, and my first post-merger flight on Continental, from EWR to SFO.

But – most of all – what a way to end the United 1K career – on a redeye. Nothing is more glamorous than emerging five hours later bleary-eyed, wild-haired, generally looking deranged and as if I spent last night under an overpass, where the world of the airport seems strange and psychologically scary, and everything is just a bit too real.

Well, we still don’t have an answer to that one. But – in an e-mail, this morning, United has provided a few answers about the world of Mileage Plus top-tier elite status in the post-merger world, with some benefits kicking of in just a few months, in 2011.

In the months and months of interminable speculation and questions worthy of a Greek philosophy text that have been omnipresent on FlyerTalk and, high-mileage flyers of both airlines have wondered most about how United and Continental would reconcile their own top-tier elite statuses, 1K, and Platinum, respectively, that have differing mileage levels for qualification (100,000 and 75,000 respectively). Flyers posited that the new United might create a new elite status tier, or normalize top-tier elite qualification to the 75,000 mile level, leaving many current 1K members grumbling that their extra 25,000 miles of flying was suddenly for naught.

And, again – there does not exist too much explicit information in those specific areas, but like morning mist beginning to clear on a verdant mountain terrain, United has outlined some specifics, in another major area of anxiety for flyers: upgrade procedure and priority, and specific upgrade instrument earning.

Here’s the rundown:

In 2011, fly and earn unlimited Regional Upgrades
Earn two Regional Upgrades at 75,000 EQM or 90 EQS, and two more at every 25,000 EQM/30 EQS after that – with no limit to how many you can earn throughout the year. This replaces today’s system of earning Regional Upgrades each quarter, which was capped at eight per year.

My Take: Ehhhhhhhhh . . . a trifle misleading. United already caused a bit of a kerfuffle earlier this year, upon introducing its Unlimited Domestic Upgrades, and temporarily removing confirmed regional upgrades (CR-1) as a possible upgrade instrument, which 1Ks earned with every 10,000 miles of flying, capped, as stated above at two CR-1s per quarter of the year. Now, suddenly, we’ve gone to “unlimited” with a major asterisk, and fine print akin to car advertisements, that one needs to log 75K of flying before garnering the two little precious upgrade instruments, and another 75K to grab six more, to match the eight CR-1s that United delivered for a mere 80,000 miles of flying over the year. Now, one needs to fly 150,000 miles just for the eight total upgrades – and, golly gee, with every other 25K after that, can earn two more.

But – according to the above website, it seems that anyone can earn these regional upgrades, now – not just 1Ks, for whom they had been previously reserved. Now, even a Premier member, who is working to log many miles, at least has extra incentive

Bottom line – it’s a lot of flying for regional upgrades now. It’s one of those devious/sneaky/pretty smart marketing moves – sure . . . annnnnnny elite member can earn regional upgrades, but they ain’t just handing ‘em out to elites, now – United’s going to make flyers really go for it, and fly a minimum of 75,000 miles just for the privilege. I guess it’s a true reward for loyalty. Plus, the website mentions p.s. flights, which means that p.s. isn’t going anywhere, at least, I’m guessing, for the next two years.

In 2011, changes to 1K® qualification
The number of EQS needed to qualify for 2012 1K status will be increased to 120; the number of EQM will remain at 100,000. However, you will receive your six Systemwide Upgrades as soon as you reach the 100,000 EQM or 120 EQS threshold, rather than having to wait until the beginning of the next year.

My Take: Ouch, for those who made 1K on segments, that hurts. The systemwide upgrades stay, with United giving flyers a bit more flexibility to use the upgrades earlier (and thus, get rid of them earlier, make them expire earlier, and perhaps boost some higher-fare class purchasing to use the systemwides). In the past, United has offered an early deposit option for systemwide upgrades for those who have already requalified for 1K, and want to throw their upgrades at a future trip pronto.

In 2012, a new upgrade priority
Members at 75,000 EQM or 90 EQS can look forward to upgrade priority over lower-earning members.

My Take: We advance to some point way in the future, here, where United offers its first hint of how the differing 100K/75K levels might play when the two airlines are fully operating as one. If one takes a peek at the website for more description, it becomes clear that United is referring to Premier Executive members who earned 75,000+ miles in the previous year (2011), and essentially, creating a new level of upgrade priority for mid-tier elites. Now, before 1Ks have smoke billow out their ears, United also states that 1Ks, will still retain the highest upgrade priority (pretty obvious, but when frequent flying is so attached to fragile egos, it’s good to have a reminder).

Moreover, I wonder, with the focus on this 75K level, and a new upgrade priority (which further divides Premier Executive members, who flew fewer than 75K miles with those who flew more, but fewer than 100K), means that Continental’s prior 75K level of top-tier status will soon be abolished, and United will fully focus on top-tier elite status at 100,000 miles. This 75K bonus, is, perhaps, a way of placating those who were previous Continental top-tiers, but who have not reached the United level, an attempt at less-painful integration of the prior Platinum level. Moreover, frequent flyers, too, had been worried about upgrade priority of 100K vs. 75K flyers, and in 2012, there emerges an answer. But, man, I do not look forward to the further divisiveness of Premier Executive, and those jockying for superiority because one flew 80,000 miles versus just 55,000. Just another thing about which to brag on FlyerTalk, I guess.

Overall, some significant changes – but, I do want to know about my 4,100 miles. I just hope Continental doesn’t nationalize their mileage plan, or something, and sell my miles to Chase, only to be told their useless, and “they’re Chase’s miles, now.”

Now, United’s making checking in just a bit tastier. The airline is offering a one-time 1,000 bonus Mileage Plus miles to those who check in for flights using a mobile device. Registration is required.

Combine these miles with United’s recent agreement for bonus miles with Drugstore.com, and you’ve got 2,000 more Mileage Plus miles for practically nada.

It seems UA is really now, for the first time, trying hard to promote interfacing with the airline through its mobile site, which, uh, to be frank, is just a littttttle bit behind, oh, practically all the worlds airlines’ mobile sites, and often quite clunky, unwieldy, and actually difficult to use to do anything. I can certainly see my reservations, but I can’t actually do anything to them – select seats, make changes. Their site, while mostly functional, is akin to if UPS suddenly decided to remove their fleet of iconic brown trucks, and replace them with stage coaches. Sure – it’d work – but, man, it wouldn’t be pretty. For a contrast in mobile sites – see Continental. On a Continental flight in March, I was able to use the site to see the upgrade list, origin of the inbound airplane, and even the specific thread tensile strength of the seat cushions. With all the information that United intentionally veils from passengers, looking at Continental’s mobile site made me feel as if a dictator had just been overthrown, and censored information now returned to the populace.

This promotion hearkens to the days of yore with with United (I’m talking circa-2004) – where online check-in garnered a bonus of 500 miles

In just a few short, thrilling hours, I will check in for tomorrow’s United flight to Newark. Let’s hope the registration of my Mileage Plus number is already active.

Special thanks to Live and Let Fly.

Click here to get shoppin’ (you’ll need your Mileage Plus number).

I performed a rudimentary search, and the least expensive item I could find (that appropriately goes with the drug theme, as well) was Annie’s Homegrown Cheddar Bunny Crackers for only $3.69 (based on the title, it seems that there might be more than just cheddar in there, though, but for only $3.69, I’m not so sure).

Then, too, some might not feel so warm towards Annie – based on this excellent Salon.com article of a few years ago, and, if politics plays a role in your bonus mileage collection, hey – there are gajillions of other items for purchase.

From The San Francisco Chronicle’s national baseball writer, John Shea, on October 24, 2010, comes this tidbit upon, I surmise, his arrival into Philly for what would be the final game (!) of the Championship Series, where the Giants would win the National League Pennant:

The flight attendant on United Flight 184 wore a Giants cap. When the plane touched down, she got on the intercom, welcomed passengers to Philadelphia and cried, “Go Giants.” Which prompted a flood of Philadelphians to counter, “Go Phillies.” After some back and forth, a neutral passenger got up and hollered, “Can’t we all get along?”

There are several elements to note here:

1) Good for this United flight attendant to show some individuality, and make such a bold gesture over the PA (or, what is it you Brits call an intercom?). Such a move is a dramatic departure from the prolixed dogma usually delivered upon arrival mandated by the talking heads in the Willis Tower headquarters of, “If future plans call for air travel . . . ” and other similar agita inducing corporate drivel. Sadly, this flight attendant has probably already been fired. United, in its current form, is one of the stodgiest, most uptight airlines in existence, replete with astonishing rigidity, all in the name of preserving some cachet and formality of an era of air travel that hasn’t existed for, oh, 45 years, or so. United is like an antique store run by an uptight-never-had-kids-couple, the kind of place where, when I was young, my mom would admonish me and my siblings “Not to touch anything,” and all merchandise was classified under the ominous collective noun of “breakables.” You really want to tell them to get with the times.

Sadly, though I know no one from United reads this blog, I hope that they’re not researching the crew on that day, finding the purser, and starting firing proceedings right now.

2) I’m surprised the person who, according to the article, stood up trying to broker a peace agreement between the two teams, was not met at the gate by law enforcement, brutally detained, and sent for humiliating and relentless interrogation for standing up.

3) Come to think of it, I’m surprised this flight attendant wasn’t arrested by some suits from United upon arrival at the gate for her independent thoughts. Jeff Smisek must be making drastic changes already.

4) Man, speaking of United’s halfhearted commitment to formality, can you imagine the reaction of some of the FlyerTalkers who totally buy/ascribe/worship United’s attempt at formality gimmick? I read so many comments on FlyerTalk about how if a United flight attendant deviates, even slightly, from some sort of preconceived rubric of service to crack a joke or chat with a passenger, or deliver a salad with a cherry tomato that possess the improper surface area (I bet these people carry calipers) that these employees are entirely “unprofessional” and a disgrace. I can almost hear the clicking of keyboards as they querulously write to United looking for an e-cert, claiming that they have been wronged, and that this alarming action is a blow to airline brand loyalty – whatever that means.

Yes, I’m being a bit histrionic, but there’s certainly a contingent of flyers that clings to what they vaguely deem “traditional” cabin service, and are offput by joke-cracking Southwest flight attendants and Virgin America’s modern approach to air travel. Come to think of it, this demographic of flyers are probably the same folks that would’ve been frightened by Elvis Presley in the 1950s, too.

Props to this flight attendant, and props to our San Francisco Giants!

Both of these themes are subjects for later posts. I’ve wanted to take time to reflect on the ramifications that New York imprinted on my brain since departing, and now, will have even more psychological fodder to consider for writing as I experience returning to a place that was my home for 1.5 years, and a place of crazy intensity in terms of school, growing up, and change. I’m super excited to return to the ol’ island. Moreover, before leaving for NYC in January, 2009 for the premed program, I visited New York in anticipation of my arrival in November, 2008. Now, almost two years, exactly, have passed since that November visit, where I didn’t really know anything about the city. Now, at least, I know where to go. In the fray of leaving, finishing med school apps, and starting a new job in recent months, I haven’t thought about leaving NYC as much as I would have liked, and now, well, maybe, it’s finally time just to sit down and do some damn writing and think about it. As well, though I miss jumping on airplanes and meandering around the country for miles, I’ve made the decision that I would, mostly, like to put money elsewhere, and use it to prepare for the future. Though mileage runs were a source of tremendous enjoyment, stress relief, and times of productivity, they do take quite a chunk of capital to support, and at this point in my life, I’m simply going to choose to hand less of my money to the UAL Corp.

Sad, yes. But, a necessary maneuver. Of course, it’s not the end of traveling for me – there are still frequent flyer miles to burn (India in March for an old college pal’s bro’s wedding), and flying for med school interviews (keep the good thoughts alive, folks).

Of course, perhaps, if I return from my NYC trip laden down with VDB vouchers, I’ll be able to travel a bit more. But – I doubt it. My routes, because of time constraints, are as direct as they can get: San Francisco – Newark on Thursday, and JFK – San Francisco on Sunday evening. The JFK – San Francisco flight is a p.s. flight – my first, in a long while, which I upgraded with my last CR-1 – probably, for a long time. That’ll be the last with no 1K status next year. And, yeah, yeah – it’s not going to be too fun with the late arrival into Newark, and the train to Penn Station, but, hey, at least I know how to get around this time.

I can’t wait to see how a return to a home feels.

According to this press release, menu option numero uno includes:

“[A] quiche entree, a fresh fruit plate, a cheese plate with dried fruit, a croissant with jam, salmon over cucumber dill salad and sparkling wine. The second includes a tomato and mozzarella sandwich entree, shrimp cocktail, a cheese plate with dried fruit, Israeli couscous salad, Ghirardelli chocolate and sparkling wine.”

Here’s the pièce de résistance: both menu options sell for the low, low, price of $24.99.

United used to offer complimentary meals in Economy on p.s. flights, in attempts to gussy up the specialized transcon economy seating. Of course, as we we all well know, United no longer offers complimentary meals in p.s. Economy, leaving the only “premium” element in the back of the airplane as a 120-volt power adapter buried under the middle seat, that’s almost completely inaccessible unless you’re a Cirque du Soleil contortionist, that you can spend the six hour JFK – SFO flight fighting with your seatmates over who gets to use it when.

But – these new menus pose a few intriguing questions and a chance for musing.

First, I, and I don’t think anyone, for that matter, would pay $24.99 for the privilege of eating a meal on a United Airlines airplane. Now, I concede that I make these judgments without any photos, taste tests, or nutritional information, but based on plenty of experience with United’s attempt at catering, I think we can make a few logical assumptions.

At this point, the two options sound more appetizing, and more healthful, than the options available in Business and First class on p.s. flights. Having traveled extensively on p.s. for the last few years, the breakfast options in First and Biz never change – the asbestos omelet made from reconstituted egg-mix, or bleached-flour pancakes dipped into a maple syrup-type sludge, fortified with high fructose corn syrup. First class receives an extra starter, of sorts, yogurt with canned peaches (unless there’s a nuclear war, we should never, ever, ever, eat canned fruit – why, why, why, would one eat fruit, full of natural sugar, that’s been swimming in a sugar syrup – why do we add more sugar? Does that sound healthful at all? But, that’s neither here nor there). Props to United for trying to add some flair to economy class food for purchase. These options sound like an attempt to add some less processed, less nitrated, and less mechanically-separated items into United’s food repertoire.

Of course, one can make a rather sad commentary on the current state of airline affairs when the meals for purchase in lo-price Economy are of better quality than first and biz, where the meals are supposedly supposed to correlate positively with the premium one pays for the higher-quality cabin (well, if anyone actually does pay, and doesn’t upgrade), but that’s a subject for another post.

But – again, knowing United’s catering, we have to think critically about what actually (probably) will end up in these fancier meal options. What are the croissants? Are they actual croissants, or are they the pieces of wall insulation stamped in the shapes of croissants that United serves in First and Biz, that taste like a reheated legal pad? Is the shrimp local and reputable, or plucked from the Bering Sea where they feed on toxic waste? Is the jam real fruit preserves, or the peel-the-foil-back individual serves of jam that can be used to grout tile?

It may sound censorious, but if I’m paying freakin’ $24.99 for a meal in Economy, I don’t want hepatitis-A-laden shrimp and Smuckers jam.

And, sparkling wine? Ha. For $24.99, I’m sure UA could throw in a glass of champagne. Like, really. Come on. Wine with gas just won’t cut it.

Still, overall, especially with New York flights, I find a brunch menu quite fitting. I had never really used the word “brunch” very much, until I came to live in New York, where brunch places with a drink-’til-you-vomit deal were as ubiquitous as a sullen hipster with compression-stocking like jeans. But, even in overpriced NYC, those all-you-can drink brunch deals went for about $24.99. But – it might, might, might just be a bad idea to have an all-you-can drink promotion on an airplane.

Plus, there are logistical issues – you have to purchase 72 hours out, which, in today’s world, is quite a bit of time. What if you are waiting for an upgrade, and it clears after the 72-hour limit, and you have already order this fancy-pants brunch? Will there be an option to eat the brunch in biz class? I think that option might be a fine idea. Upgrades, however, are less of an issue with p.s. flights, because these flights are exempt from Unlimited Domestic Upgrades, and pax must use regional upgrades, only issued to 1K elite members, to upgrade p.s. flights.

There has been no official announcement from United, yet, besides the press release, that has appeared on their website. Once the change to the website goes live, we might have some more info, and perhaps, some pictures of the actual brunch options. Until then, I’m a bit hesitant -  especially, for $24.99.

Many frequent flyers have opposed this merger. Many have speculated on its outcome. Some have invested in “Save the United Logo” campaigns. Now, we’re seeing calls to “stand together” in the name of some sort of unity, borne of, uh, two airlines merging? I just don’t understand. Some displays of solidarity are just ridiculous, in my opinion. Like – it’s an airline - I appreciate the feel good values and the call to reduce squabbling among frequent flyers of both airlines, but – perhaps we should work on applying those community values on something that can actually be changed for the better, because, there’s really not a lot anyone can do about this merger.

Because – what’s really happening today? Nothing.

Well, almost nothing.

A half-hearted letter from United’s new CEO, Jeff Smisek, ornate with corporate speak and marketing dreck, was e-mailed out this morning with the details, many of which are, nothing’s changing right now.

Basically, in the grist of the letter he said, if you fly United, deal with United, and if you’re flying Continental, deal with Continental. There are really few actual changes that will come to fruition until 12 – 18 months from now.

Yet, people insist on clanging a gong and running around screaming the end is nigh, and that we all must repent. I say we take a clamer, almost, nonchalant approach – because, honestly, is the merging of two mega-corporations really going to be a nice, pretty event? Let’s just see what happens. Because, though the merger is official today, not much changes right now. Let’s save the worry until something actually happens.

So, uh, What’s Actually Happened Today?

-The airline has a new, cement-headed slogan: “The World’s Leading Airline.” I’d love to see how they came up with that one. It’s like the worst game of Mad-Libs ever: “The World’s . . .  (adj.) Airline.” The best they could come up with was “Leading?” They could’ve had much more fun: “The World’s Coolest Airline” (preserving a pun on Continental’s IATA code with the “Co” in “Cool”); “The World’s Omnipotent Airline;” “The World’s Unscrupulous Airline;” “The World’s Apocraphyl Airline” – come on, New United – add some swagger to your stuffy and resistant image!

-Free booze in the Red Carpet Clubs – United decided, after having its fingers in its ears and yelling, “la la la la la!!!” on the issue of complimetary hooch in the RCCs, aligns more with Continental’s President’s Clubs by letting the suds and liquor flow freely. Of course, knowing United, who loves to sell “Premium” liquor and wines in its RCCs, the free stuff is going to be a handle of Popov and a 30-rack of warm Natty Lite.

-Free wifi for all in the RCC – United, in typical fashion, was lethargic in giving complimentary wifi internet access to even its own lounge members, and only parsimoniously handed out T-Mobile comped internet access vouchers to passengers using the RCC flying in First or Biz on United itself (In the erstwhile Frankfurt RCC, the situation was even worse – they scrounged up 30 minue internet vouchers with the eight euro pricetag still attached). Now, United is deciding to treat others a bit better (in terms of internet), and handing out wifi access to those able to enter the lounge with Star Alliance Gold status from another airline.

-A New Safety Video Intro: Continental had a theme in its safety videos, where its current CEO, sitting as looking as stiff and brittle as someone posing for a Civil War-era dagguerotype, would mumble a few words of adulation about the employees of the airline with the charisma of an air purifier. Now United’s got Smisek yammering along about the merger. But – perhaps I’m not too enthused because I’m not really too high on airline safety videos in general – except for Virgin America’s brilliant piece of artwork, and as about which I wrote over a year ago, I’m reallllllly not a fan of merger videos. They creep me out.

New Airplanes: Well, paintjobs. Continental has touched up a 737, and United, a 757, in the insipid new livery. Check it out here.

Overall Assessment? Not bad at all – in terms of the RCC. United is loosening up on pieces of the RCC that it held under cash register hostage, when other airlines had already begun offering booze and internet (American was the penultimate major airline to fold). The other bits – eh – corporate mishmash and formalities. Not my thang.

We’ll Have to Wait For:

Everything else. Reciprical upgrades, merged frequent flyer programs, common customer service, boarding passes, websites, uh – and, an actual, merged airline – will all come later.

My Only Questions:

-Starnet blocking: Does this ignominious practice so unabashedly sanctioned by United stay with Continental? Many have speculated, and no one has a true, convincing answer or argument – but, golly gee, I hope Starnet blocking leaves with Smisek’s reign.

-OnePass Miles – When do those fold into Mileage Plus? By golly, I’ve got 4600 OnePass miles that have been sitting around, and I would love to add ‘em to my Mileage Plus stash.

So, again – let’s not panic, folks, or wildly speculate, or drop to our knees, wailing and keening, that we’ve lost some beloved airline and part of our hearts. Because, as of right now, they’re still very much to separate airlines.

If you want them, they’re yours – send an e-mail to waapblog@gmail.com, or message me on Twitter. I’ll need your last name and United confirmation number, and I’ll apply them to your itinerary online.

Hope someone can give them a good home!